Thank you!! I cannot even tell you how much it has helped to have the words of encouragement from the blog. It is a CONSTANT battle... making the right food choices. Fat is SO much easier than healthy!!!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
I started a new job where I am completely sedentary trapped in a cubicle and on top of that I am working very odd and unpredictable hours. It has made a LOT of things a whole lot more difficult. Its harder to plan and schedule meals. It's harder to make it to the gym. It's harder to sleep. It's harder to have time with my family. It's just been a very rough adjustment period. so with all of that going on and working against me, the fat kid inside of me took hold. It all started with that freaking vending machine in the break room... I hate that vending machine. One night I was only supposed to work 6 hours and ended up staying 12. I had not planned on having to eat at work so I didn't bring anything. Kroger was already closed and so were both restaurants nearby. I was stuck there with literally nothing to eat. So I went to the vending machine and feeling like I was starving, all logic went out the window. I'm sure you know how this story is going to go... then the next day when I came in the vending machine was staring me down and I let myself have a little treat, just a little something. And on and on and on... ugh. The vending machine led to Mcdondalds which led to Chik-filet which led to Burger King and before I knew it I found myself checking out at the grocery store buying two bags of doritos and a package of Oreos... So I have gained 10 pounds in a month. DAMNIT. That sucks. Definitely not the direction I want to be headed in.
But I had made great progess until I lost control... When I went back to michigan to visit I got SO many great responses to how I looked... and more importantly, I took up much less space. I found myself in odd situations where I was reminded that I am a smaller person. I take up less space now. I fit into a round booth at a restaurant! I slid gracefully (ish) around the bend without sucking in for my life or painfully squeezing my gut against the table edge. I ate lunch comfortably without my stomach resting on the table awkwardly. It felt amazing. When I got on the plane, I sat next to someone! I still needed an extender, but JUST BARELY. We sat next to each other and he did not have to lean waaay out in the aisle and I didn't have to hold myself awkwardly to one side, Leaning into the hole for the window to give him more room.
So now I am pushing myself back on the track. I was talking to someone at the gym about how frustrated I am that bootcamp was really working for me and now I can't go with my new schedule and finding time to get to the gym is harder and she suggested I try p90x. I laughed at her. That is for people who are already fitness nuts and want to get ripped. She said she does it on days when her husband has the car and she can't get to the gym for bootcamp. She said she just modifies or substitutes things that are too hard with the things she already has learned and can do from our bootcamp class. She offered to burn me a copy and I thought, what the heck I will give it a shot. I dont have anything to loose, I guess. So I tried it.
Let me tell you, I am in LOVE!!!
I am two weeks into Phase 1 and it is fantastic! The explosive plyometrics (ie Jumping) is just not in my realm of possibility right now, but thats ok, I just do an extra day of the cardio x or the core synergy. I'm just modifying what doesn't really work for me and substituting in the stuff that does. I'm basically getting the more hardcore intensity that I was craving from my old routine and I am getting it for me. AT HOME! So I have decided to put my gym membership on hold for a while. I'll save some money. I have something that is working. And after this I want to try Insanity. It's along the same lines as p90x and it'll give me some variety. I feel good about it. and I am sweating my ASS OFF!!! I love it.
I let the frustration of not being able to have my old schedule and habits anymore just break me down. I didn't realize just how much I relied on them until I lost them. But now I feel like I am back on track. That is SUCH a great feeling.
Here's a fun little thing....
Here is a picture of me and my best friend from October
Can't wait to see the difference in another 6 months....
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Some days housework is just that.
Some days meditation is just silence.
Some days two hours of exercise feels like a drop in the ocean.
Some days feeding your body is just the beginning.
Some days just having all the tools doesn't mean you can build anything.
Today I am home. I could be working on numerous projects. I am on my second cup of tea, but feel like I need a nap. The dogs and I have been for a two mile walk. I have watched an episode of Desperate Housewives while using the stationary bike. I have done dishes.
My house is full of things used to create stuff. Cameras, paint, computers, decoupage glue, recording equipment, microphones, pots, and pans. There are days (like today) when I feel as though they are simply for decoration. I know how to use them. I've done it before. I've created my own little masterpieces. Today they suddenly seem alien to me. I don't know how they work. I have forgotten what they do, or why they do it, rather. We are all wasting space together, waiting for lightning to strike.
Some days all I do is not binge eat.
I spend all day fighting to not fill my gut or stuff myself into silence. So I gather healthy, sensible ingredients. I combine some herbs, frozen steamfresh veggies, shred some leftover lemon pepper chicken breast, organic chopped tomatoes, kashi rice pilaf, corn, lentils, black beans... They all meet in a pot. The pot gets hot. It will stay like this for some time. It will make a soup. It will be placed next to the stuff in the fridge which is newer than the stuff in the freezer. It seems as though I am always in some transition between stocking up and pairing down.
Some days there are just tomorrows.
Some days there is only hoping that tomorrows are better than todays.
Monday, April 26, 2010
They have a whole host of issues surrounding them for both thin and chubby people, but for me they have always been a source of frustration and embarrassment. I always, and I do mean always, use the handicap stall. Always. I need to room.
Here's the TMI part... I haven't been able to use the small stalls in years. I had to turn sideways and suck in my gut to close the door. And then I didn't have enough room to do what I had to do... Like I said, TMI.
Well, yesterday we went to see a movie and I had to use the restroom. I walked in and the Handicap stall was occupied, but I HAD to pee! So I went to the small stall on the end and just walked in and closed the door. No sucking in, no turning sideways. No problems. Then I did my business and got out.
I know its an odd moment to celebrate, but I will take any cause for celebration I can get lately.
I slipped. I stopped journaling my food. I hadn't logged into Livestrong.com in almost a month. I just started slacking and then it got away from me completely. Then not journaling led to forgetting to eat breakfast before work and then last week I got to the gym for my workout and realized that I had not eaten breakfast OR lunch. Reality check time. I have got to get back on schedule. Journaling reminds me to eat. Journaling reminds me to pay attention. I gotta get back in control.
I decided to try something new. I bought some Boost with protein for those mornings when I am just running behind. Some days I just cant get it together. Maybe that will keep me on track.
The workouts are still going well. Still love the gym. But I am craving something more. I watch a lot of the Biggest Loser and I am jealous. My favorite moments on the show are when someone hits a wall during a workout and they think they cannot go any further and Jillian gets in their face and pushes them beyond what they think they are capable of. I want that kind of intensity. I want someone to push me further than I think I can go. I want someone to yell at me. I want someone to get me out of my comfort zone. I love my bootcamp class, don't get me wrong. It kicks my butt and it works me out and it gets the job done, but it doesn't shake me. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. It doesn't push me past my limit. I don't know if I am craving adrenaline or just testing my limits...but I want to shake up my routine.
Has anyone tried kettlebells?
I've been doing some research and I found a place in ATL that has a class...but it's pricey. I am fascinated by the things I have read and heard about kettlebell training. I have heard that it is great for shaking up your body and burning some serious fat. hmm...
I'm also toying with the idea of taking another bikram yoga (hot yoga) class but at a different studio this time. I need more sweating and burning and less chanting and talking. The class I took was a lot of "find your center and look through your third eye". I am not trying to find my third eye, I am trying to find myself under all this fat!!!! lol
I'm not very new age, I'm afraid. All the granola eating, hairy armpitted, all organic, patchouli wearing, vegan yoga instructors at the studio I went to just made me feel COMPLETELY out of place and square. I dont think I am cool enough for yoga... I dont know.
I guess at this point I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any for shaking up my routine. I do a pretty intense 45 minute bootcamp class on tuesdays and thursdays after my one hour workout on my own and then I do a two hour workout on mondays, wednesdays and sometimes fridays. Its a lot, but I have been at it for 5 months now.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I was looking through my closet two weeks ago and had a moment of clarity and grabbed a garbage bag. It was time to start letting go. I am never going to wear a size 32 again. Ever. So I threw my fat clothes away. I threw away the big comfy sweatpants that I bought a few sizes too big so I could hide even more. I threw away the shirt that I thought was so cute at the time that now just hung on me. I threw away the jeans that literaly fell off of me when I put them on. It felt so good to let those things go.
And then I looked at what I was left with.
It was time for some SERIOUS retail therapy.
poor me, right!
I was nervous at first but then I got to thinking. I have always loved stores like Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Ross but I never looked at clothes because they rarely had anything worth looking at in the big big big plus sizes. But now I am just the medium big plus size. hmmm... So I went to Ross while they were having a big sale on all their dresses and I got a little gutsy. I started looking at dresses. Let me preface this with the fact that I have NEVER worn a dress without jeans under it, thus wearing it as a top. In fact I think I have probably owned less than ten dresses in my entire life. I was just never comfortable in them. But I saw them differently this time. I saw options. I saw possibilities. I saw an opportunity to start being the kind of woman I always admired. Someone with style. Someone dressed for something other than comfort!!
Then I found it. My little black dress.
In another note, I found another before picture... Flipping through a friends facebook I found a few candid pictures of me from last summer...yikes...
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Since my last entry I FINALLY pushed through this wall I kept hitting. I didn't climb over it or dig a hole under it, I BLASTED through it. I worked out REALLY hard and have been really on plan and I have been peddling away every time I am home watching tv on my little bike thingy.
AND I AM OUT OF THE 300's!!!!huzzah!!
291I have lost 135llbs. A HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE POUNDS. I've lost a healthy woman! Not even a skinny bitch. lol
I went back to bootcamp class today for the first time since my little meltdown. We were outside in the gorgeous 85 degree atlanta sunshine and it just felt GREAT! I had sweat dripping in places I dont even want to think about! lol Lunges and squats were fine. I was nervous at first, but my knees were just fine. Man that felt good.
I even got a little sunburn!
I want to take this feeling and put it into a little bottle so I can revisit this whenever I want to crumble and eat something stupid. I really feel unstoppable. I have actively been avoiding the scale for two weeks. When I weighed in today I had NO IDEA what it would say. I was prepared to have gained weight during my hiatus from class, but my workouts on my own have really picked up intensity. I am getting a focus that I have never had before. I feel like every single rep of every single exercise is one step closer to this other me that I can see in my head. She is one helluva chick, this girl in my head. She is strong, sexy, capable, confident, powerful...a force of nature. I can't wait to be her!!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My knees have been bothering me. A lot. I bought some Glucosamine and have been taking that. Its finally starting to help now, but last week was miserable. Last tuesday I went to bootcamp class and only made it through half before I was so frustrated that I was red faced and tearing up. I was so angry that I couldn't do it. So I went back into the gym and just worked on some upper body and cardio and then went home- defeated. No, let me rephrase that, completely defeated. I felt like a failure. I was terrified that all these years of carrying that much weight had finally gotten to me. I beat myself up something terrible. Then I got an email from Kevin, my bootcamp instructor telling me that I should stay out of class for a week and stay away from squats and lunges and focus on upper body to guive my knees a rest. Then I was really upset.
So I went out Saturday. I had drinks. And more drinks. And more drinks. I made an ass out of myself because I have not had a drink in so long my tolerance was nothing. I was a mess. So then all day Sunday I felt rotten. I had to apologize to my wonderful fiance for the monster than came home. I curled up on the couch and watched season two of Ugly betty reeking of vodka and regret and I ate. I just wanted to eat it all away. I was ridiculously off plan, and I was hungover to boot. Just bad news in general.
But I got up yesterday and got back on plan, dragged my sorry butt back to the gym and I worked. Hard.
There is a silver lining in this whole mess of a week- I have a new gym buddy!! My friends husband came back from bootcamp with the Army Reserves in January and wanted to join a gym to stay in shape so we are working out together and thus far it has been great. He kicked my ass yesterday!! I never thought I would ever look at that like it is a good thing. When I left the gym yesterday my arms were JELLO.
On another note, I had kind of a break down last week... I'm just having a hard time dealing with feelings. I have always been the kind of person who likes to put on a happy face and a song and dance and pretend like everything is fine when behind the mask its a big ole mess. I just dont like to talk about it or show it. My last words will probably be "oh I'm fine!". But the way that I could hold those feelings at bay was by stuffing them down. I just ate them away. I would eat and eat and when I felt really full it was reassuring. I felt like everything was ok. It was controlled. Contained. Buried. Now I am having a hard time when I feel overwhelmed. It helps to work out. I get out some of that frustration. But the other stuff...I just need to start talking. Stop beign so worried that someone will think that I am not completely in control and just talk.
Easier said than done.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I have always been fat. Not chubby, not plump, not pudgy. Fat. My entire life. I do not remember EVER being the same size as my peers. Ever. For many fat kids, girls especially, this can lead to a living hell in high school, but I was blessed to go to a high school that had much to offer in the way of extracurriculars and I found my niche with choir and theater. I was also blessed to have met someone at the very begining of my freshman year in high school who would go one to change my self and my life forever. Jordon Hudson. My best friend. We joke that we are non-sexual life partners. When I met him we were kindred spirits in both interests - choir, theater, broadway, specifically the musical RENT as well as in food and body type. He was a fellow fatty. Then he took control of his fatness and in our junior year he was put on prescription meridia and lost the weight. Since then he has kept the weight off and no one can even imigine him being overweight.... while I have gotten bigger and bigger. I have always envied his self control.
He has continued and has been very successful in theater. He is fearless and ridiculously talented. I am sometimes in complete awe of him. I am so proud of him. I on the other hand have not been able to muster the courage to even walk into an audition since high school. I am terrified of rejection, judgement, failure... I really hope I can change that someday...
Moving 3 years ago from Grand Rapids Michigan, a smaller, friendly, yet forward thinking midwestern city to Metro Atlanta with it's sprawling, bustling, congested, sometimes pretentious 5million people, I often find myself feeling a bit lost. But visiting home, and my chosen family of friends always brings me back to myself.
Well, Jordon called me this weekend with some fantastic news. He is cast in a local production of RENT, a show that is near and dear to our hearts and has been such a big part of our lives. The show runs May 6-22. I am booking my plane tickets as soon as I get paid. I have to be there.
SO I am setting a new goal. I WILL be under 250 pounds (hopefully well under.) when I go home.
I know it sounds odd but I really want to make Jordon proud. I want the work I have been doing to be obvious. I want it to be shocking. I have two months to make it happen. I cannot wait to share the new me with my Grand Rapids family. They have never seen me healthy and I can't wait to show them.
I was feeling a bit deflated last week... just not motivated. Kinda blah. But now I have a renewed purpose! I have wind in my sails and I am excited to hit the ground running tonight at the gym. It's time to get to work!! I went to the Farmers market yesterday and spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on groceries! geez... It is so much more expensive eating healthy, fresh and not pre-packaged. I just keep finding reasons why it is no suprise that I was fat! It is so much easier to eat unhealthy.
I had a moment of clarity while at the gym on Friday. I will most likely be a member of a gym for the rest of my life. I will be working out for the rest of my life. It was a thought that just popped into my head. Some people stay at a healthy weight without working out, without really paying much attention to what they eat. But that will not be me. I will always have to think. I will always have to work. I know for a fact that I could very easily slide right back into old habits. I know I could, But I also know that I will never allow myself. Never again. Those pounds are gone forever!
Friday, March 5, 2010
So I set out to find images of bodies that inspire and motivate me.
Strong bodies. Healthy bodies.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I started out using alli, which you take with all three meals and it simply blocks 25% of the fat you eat. I did this mainly as a learning tool. It taught me that there are consequences to what I put in my mouth. And it worked. I slowly weaned myself off of it and now I only use it every few days if I know I'm being a bit indulgent. (as in lean red meat or pork not as in fried food or something really terrible!)
I stick to 1600-1800 calories on days when I work out and I stay within 1400-1500 calories on days when I dont go to the gym.
My gym routine is admittedly a bit intense. On tuesdays and thursdays I get to gym after work at about 5:30 and do cardio and light strength training until 7 when I have my bootcamp class until 7:45/8:00. Then I try to make it to the gym at least two sometimes three other days and I do 2 - 2.5 hours of cardio/weight training. On top of that I watch most of my tv on the computer and I have my little Golds gym Peddler so I try to peddle any time I am watching tv. On my off from the gym days I try to push myself and do at least 90 minutes of peddling w/out stopping along with some sort of activity that gets me moving. (I recently bought a bike and am excited to start using it!)
I forget how much I am doing now until I write it all down. It's all just part of the routine now. I just try to keep myself moving.
I think the first 100 came off so fast bc I went from literally going from the couch to work to the couch to being VERY active. Before I started this I kid you not, I probably did not walk half a mile in a whole day and I ate a whole lot of crappy food. It was sad. I was sad.
I finally have hit the plateau that I have been bracing myself for. I've lost two pounds this week... Stuck at 118 lost.... Still working, not giving up. To be honest it is kind of a relief. I've blasted through the first 100 pounds without many hiccups and I knew this was coming, at least now I can just get through it. I'm not even really that frustrated with it...
what I am frustrated with, though, is the fact that this week I just want to EAT.
I just want to EAT.I don't know what it going on in my head. I think I am seeking some sort of comfort or something because it's not like I am hungry all the time, it's my brain. My brain wants to eat and eat and eat. I ate an entire head of lettuce yesterday. WTF?! I just wanted to feel full.
Only a fat or former fat person can understand...Only a fat or former fat person can understand that. There is some bizzarre comfort that I used to find in feeling completely stuffed. Even when I was so full that my stomach hurt, there was still a strange comfort in that. I wish I could understand where that came from...
I keep thinking about how life will be different when I reach my goal weight... How I will be different. I have always touted about this "big girl" thing. It was who I was. I was a "big girl" and I was damn proud of it. If you didn't like it, screw you. I faked being confident so much for so long that even I started to believe it at times. And I did have moments when I did feel it. Even now I dont find myself completely unattractive. I do not sit around staring in the mirror and hating myself. I just focus on the good stuff. Like from the boobs up! (Thank God I have always had a nice rack...lol) But I keep thinking now who will I be if I am not the "big girl"? Who will I be if I'm not the fat funny friend? There is a safety in being the fat friend. You don't have to worry about ever being in a compromising situation. No one is ever going to force themselves on you. You wont have to fend off unwanted advances. You can watch out for your cuter, thinner, wilder friends when you go out to make sure that they dont do anything stupid. But what happens when I am not insulated/protected from the outside world by this bubble of fat...this safety net of blubber... What happens if someday I am the one who is noticed and dangerous and no longer a "safe" "big girl". What will I be then? It has always defined me. Always. "Remember Kayla? You know she is the big girl with the pretty face." I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that exact description of me. The big girl with the pretty face. Will I have to own up to my mistakes and shortcomings then? Now I have a built-in excuse. If I fail or falter it's not my fault, it's because I am fat. If I dont feel like doing something because I am just plain old lazy, It's not my fault, its cause I'm fat. Well, what happens when I'm not fat? It's all on me. This change is happening already. I am already starting to feel this one shift. I am taking the reins more and more and not letting myself make excuses. Except when it comes to food. I have a million and one excuses as to why I can eat. Why I can bend the rules. When I want something I will find a way to talk myself into it being ok. I guess I just have to go back to basics and remind myself that this is a process. I am completely re-learning how to live life. I am totally changing my habits every single day. I am re-building my relationship with food and that is not going to happen overnight.
I just keep waiting to FEEL different. I know in my head that I have lost 118 pounds and that is a big accomplishment, but I dont FEEL like it yet... I just feel like I am still at the start if this huge journey. Even when I have lost all the weight then I have to shift to maintaning it... and I've heard that is even harder than loosing it! I dunno... I figure I still have about 120 pounds to loose. Maybe after the next 100 I will feel different...I just feel very in-transition right now. I keep throwing clothes away but I am so hesitant to buy new ones because I am in between right now. I am loosing weight faster in my chest, butt and legs than my center, so clothes fit really strange... I just feel like a house currently being remodeled. You know, you live out of one room at a time bc there is stuff being worked on everywhere. I guess the good news is that I am loving the change I made to my hair. That was a big change and I love it. There again I am predictable, when I get bored or restless or frustrated, I change my hair. It livens me up.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
When I loose the weight I will...
be healthy and fit
fit in booths at restaurants
be able to ride on a roller coaster
go to the beach and not be too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit or have to wear layers to cover the rolls.
no longer dread trying on clothes
no longer make excuses to avoid activities that would make me uncomfortable because of my size
be completely self-confident and not fake it
fit comfortably in an airplane seat
be able to walk into ANY clothing store and fit in normal size clothes. Goodbye Lane Bryant! No more "plus" "womens" "extended" or "baby elephant" sizes!
wear feminine, daring, fitted clothing instead of frumpy hoodies, t-shirts and jeans all the time
wear sexy heels without wobbling... You can't balance a watermelon on two toothpicks!
look hot in lingerie
have better SEX! =)
have no more excuses for not going after my dreams...
be able to walk up steps without huffing and puffing and getting red in the face
have more stamina
be able to run a mile
feel healthy, strong, and energetic
fit in vehicles more comfortably
fit in seat-belts more comfortably. No more whipering to the airline attendant "can I have an extender please?" while everyone stares at you like you are a zoo animal.
identify as something other than a "big girl"
be an active person, have an active life.
be able to paint my toenails with more ease
have more room in the bath tub... maybe enough room for two?!?
not feel like everyone is staring at me when I'm in public
not feel embarrassed of my size
not feel like a odd or different... or less than someone who is fit
live and enjoy life to the fullest and not feel like I am just existing or faking it
like the reflection in the mirror... the whole refelection. Not just from the shoulders up.
wear sleeveless shirts
wear above-the-knee skirts
be less inhibited... in every area of my life
go on a long bike ride
not have a belly in the way... of everything
be able to cross my legs
be more flexible
not be hot when everyone else is cool
take pictures of my whole self and not just my face
not feel achey when I get out of bed in the morning
not have cankles. You know calf-ankles no seperation between the two.
know what it's like to be thin and fit
enjoy being thin and fit
not have floors creak when I walk on them
fit through turnstiles without turning sideways
have more room in the shower
not be embarrassed to go to the doctor's office
not be embarrassed by the number on the scale
have the normal sized blood pressure cuff actually fit my arm
my thighs will NO LONGER rub together when I walk
not be the fattest person everywhere I go
be able to throw away all of my "fat clothes"
go on a shopping spree and get a whole new wardrobe
not have to worry if a blouse is long enough to cover my hips, butt, and stomach
not avoid getting my picture taken because I hate how fat my face and body looks
be judged for who I am, not for how much I weigh
not be perceived as a fat, lazy slob
see my muscles and my real shape... not mounds of fat
be able to feel my bones
not feel inferior because of my weight
not have to pull and stretch my clothes out before I wear them
not have to wear a girdle, waist cincher, spanx, or a corset
not have to walk sideways down the aisle of airplanes
be able to walk through narrow aisles of department stores and specialty shops and not have to turn sideways
fit into seats at any movie or theater
not feel compelled to lie about how much I weigh
fit comfortably in any chair with or without arms
not feel compelled to cover my lap with a blanket or pillow any time I'm sitting on a couch in order to hide my fat stomach
not be embarrassed of my fat calves when wearing capris
not have to wear an extender chain on short necklaces or bracelets
not hate my body and what I have done to it
not be depressed because of my weight
be in control of my life, habits, eating, body... not the other way around
Well I woke up at 4am feeling less than ok. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. Violently. I'm not talking about a dainty little sick, I'm talking about projectile, wretching, doubled over, exorcist-style VOMIT. It was awful.
I thought ok, too much grease... thats fine. I will just take a shower and drink some water and I will be ok.
Wrong. I threw up again IN THE SHOWER! Thats when I first thought that I was in trouble. I got out of the shower and laid on the couch for a while...well, maybe an hour or so and then ran to the bathroom again...
Ugh. I felt AWFUL. Cold. Clammy. Weak. Green.
But I thought I could push through it enough to get through my workout that morning. The ride to the gym made me question myself. Every bump made my stomach lurch. I made it to the gym and Kevin noticed right away that I was not in good shape. I managed to make it through about ten minutes before I was running for the bathroom. So there I am, in the bathroom at the gym wretching again. But this time there is nothing left in my stomach but grease. I am not kidding you, I was throwing up grease and the water I drank while working out for a whopping ten minutes. Definitely not my proudest moment.
So I dragged my way through the SLOWEST pace I have ever had on the elliptical for another ten minutes and then I just packed it in.
So then I spent my whole off day that I had so been looking forward to running from the couch to the bathroom. super. I took the next day off of work and bootcamp class because I still couldn't really keep anything down.
Yesterday was my first day back to normal. I got in a good solid workout and I am looking forward to class tonight.
I talked to Kevin about what I ate and he said my body was probably just rejecting it. I did a bunch of research online and that seems to be the concensous. After not eating anything fried since November 1st and then gorging on a large deep fried mess... I felt so dumb. But I have GOT to look at the bright side. I think this is solidifying in my head that
I can NEVER go back.Even if my head would let me, my body will not. So that is something to think about. Those old habits can creep up on you... When I think about what I used to eat in a day... I can't believe it. All that grease. All that fat. All those preservatives and phosphates and nitrates and fillers in fast food. All the damage I did to my body and never thought twice about it... 100 pounds lost and a LOT of lessons learned, I know that I am changed.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The other great thing is that in bootcamp class I am making strides. I am improving in so many little ways. I am starting to get to the point when I can feel in my body when an exercise is being done correctly. I can feel when my form is right. I know that sounds like a silly thing to be excited about but when you have never played sports or been active let alone physically fit, you dont listen to your body. You dont know how things should feel.
On another note I have something that I am VERY excited about! The Walk n Tone by L.A. Gear!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Now for the even better news....
I hit 95 pounds lost when I weighed in last night!!!!!I almost cried I was so happy. Then, I don't know what possessed me, but I agreed to come in for an extra class at 7am this morning....
I woke up at 5 am and was in the gym by 6:00am. ugh. I drudged through my cardio and by the time I got started with my leg work, I was actually feeling good! Class got started at 7 and I ROCKED it. I felt really really good about the work that I did. I felt strong. Man, that is a good feeling.
I really did not think I was capable of this when I started. But now I know it. I feel it in my bones. I am going to do this. I am going to follow this through. I have changed for good. I am capable of reaching the goals that I set for myself. I can do this. For the first time in a VERY long time I am really proud of myself.
Now if I can just get my subconscious to hold on to this feeling and play this tape over and over instead of the self-doubting tape...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
If you could go only to one restaurant for the next five years, which would it be?
I think would have to say subway... Lately Subway has been a Godsend. I know its safe. I can get something that I know hasn't been doused in oil, that I know is fresh and its easy to make the right choice. Its easy to just say no thanks to the cheese and mayo.
But I also really love this mexican restaurant by my house. They have a chicken soup that is fantastic! Its broth and chicken and black beans and avocado. Very yummy.. Very fresh. Very low fat.
I was sick. Legitimately sick. So I took a few days off work and what did I do? I stayed out of the gym completely for a whole week and I layed on the couch feeling sorry for myself and I ate. I ate whatever I wanted. I slipped up. a lot. I knew I was off plan. I knew I was not doing what I needed to do, but I let myself use being sick as an excuse.
I went back to the gym Friday night and it was a tough one. I missed bootcamp class all week and all I had been doing was sleeping. I weighed myself.... I gained weight. *damnit* Three pounds. I DRAGGED myself through my workout. it was really hard. I left the gym, drenched in sweat feeling both accomplished that I went back but also really dissapointed that I let myself down. While I was working out I gave myself an extra ten minutes of cardio and an extra 15 reps of the lunges I hate and in my head, without even realizing it, I was telling myself that it was to punish me for my bad behavior. How odd. Its like there is this voice in the back of my head that is so hurtful...so mean! That voice never praises, never celebrates victory. It only tallies the failures and the disappointments so that they can be repeated back over and over again to remind myself of my shortcomings. Why is it that it is so important to me to be kind and thoughtful to other people, but never to myself? This is something I am going to focus on this month. I putting a hit out on the Negative Nancy in the back of my head. I think I have heard just about enough from her.
So now it is back to Livestrong.com for food and excersize journaling. Back to the gym tonight for bootcamp with Kevin... I am sure I will be wanting to cry by the end of it tonight!! Back to my whey protein/flaxseed/frozen strawberries/light soymilk smoothie for breakfast and kashi black beans, rice and chicken for lunch. I am excited though... I know I feel so much better when I do the right thing. I felt like crap last week. Eating crappy food and being sick and everything else. I think that is the best lesson I have learned so far is that I feel so much better when I make the right choices and when I do what is right for me.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
But, I was having some trouble really wrapping my head around it the other day. 75 pounds sounds like so much in my head, it seems like I should look so different, but when I look in the mirror I still look like me. I am still wearing the same clothes. Obviously I can feel the difference in those clothes...everything hangs on me now. All of my pants look very saggy and baggy. So I decided I needed to do a little experiment. Almost all of my shirts are stretchy. When I was at my largest I ALWAYS washed all of my clothes in cold so that they would stay stretched out. Before I put on any shirt I would always stretch it out. Everything had ripped seams at the bottom from stretching it. I dont think I have ever worn a t-shirt in my adult life that was not stretched to the max first. (sidebar: I cannot wait for the day that I can just pick up a shirt and put it on with no stretching....) Well, I have one shirt that I bought to go on an interview about a year and a half ago. It is a wrap-around shirt with NO stretch. It buttons on both sides and then ties together on the sides. When I tried to wear it to that interview there was NO way that it was going to button, so I just tied it together in the middle because it was too tight when I tried to tie it on the side. Well, I put that shirt on and I buttoned both buttons with ease and tied it tightly on the side and looked in the mirror...astounded. So then I was feeling brave and went to the back corner of my closet and pulled out a pair of jeans I have never worn. They were given to me for christmas two years ago. They are adorable size 28 Old Navy flare leg jeans. The problem was that my legs were too big to fit. I had to order the wide leg trouser jeans bc of my thighs and calves. And also, these jeans are a tall which is always a bit more snug in the waist. So there they have sat in the back of my closet for two years. I pulled them out and looked at them and mustered my bravery. I pulled them over my legs with NO PROBLEM! Then I pulled them up and zipped them with ease. No sucking it in, no laying on the bed, no holding my breath. wow. That felt GOOD. I was pouring myself into tight wide leg 32's just four months ago.
So I took some pictures! Dont mind the bad quality... and my bad hair day... and no makeup... lol!
So then I was at work on Sunday and someone made a comment about how baggy my sweatshirt has gotten. I am always running in and outside all day so I wear a lot of hooded sweatshirts. They are comfortable and they keep me warm. And lets be honest, they hide my shape. I shrugged it off and just said that yes, my sweatshirts are getting a bit baggy and didnt think too much of it. Later on I was in the bathroom upstairs that has a huge mirror and I really looked at myself. It felt good to notice. So again, I took some pictures!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Then it was core day in bootcamp. ahh. Core day is hell. I was SOAKED with sweat when I got home and was completely exhausted. But I am feeling so good!! Kevin, the trainer, told me that core day would be hell for me... my core is surrounded by a semi truck tire thick layer of fat (my words not his!) so it would be 300% harder for me. He told me that he would not blame me at all for bailing and just putting in an extra hour of cardio. I'm not gonna lie, I thought about it. But I did not bail. I did not quit. I had to modify a lot of excersizes so I could do them without really hurting my lower back, but damnit, I got through it. After class Kevin pulled me aside and congratulated me. I felt SO GOOD. I did it. It was SO hard and I was sweating and panting and I'm sure it was not a pretty sight, but I did it. That feels really good, doing something that I should not be able to do...that I would NEVER have been able to do 3 months ago! Its so surprising to me to find that I am happier, more motivated by the changes in strength and ability and fitness than I am by pounds! I get SO proud of myself when I can get through an extra set at a higher weight. I was SO pumped when I finished on the treadmill yesterday. I'm just gonna keep focusing on those small victories.
In other news, I heard today from another person who read my blog that I am inspiring them to get moving. That is such a fantastic feeling!! I felt so alone in this at the begining and hearing that the blog is reaching people is so great. I know that it is going to keep me motivated and inspired when I just dont feel like it, because I know I am not in this alone anymore.
Its funny, I keep thinking that its no wonder I got fat- Its SO EASY to find someone to go out to eat or drink with but it is SO HARD to find someone to work out or be healthy and active with!!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
What is Alli?
Alli is the reduced-strength version of orlistat, a prescription drug to treat obesity. It's approved by the FDA for over-the-counter sale to overweight adults 18 years and older. Alli is meant to be used in conjunction with a low-calorie, low-fat diet and regular exercise.
How does it work?
Alli promotes weight loss by decreasing the absorption of fat by the intestines, which reduces the number of calories you absorb. Alli is taken with fat-containing meals, up to three times a day. Because of how Alli works, it's recommended that you eat no more than 15 grams of fat with each meal. Eating higher amounts of fat can cause unwanted side effects, such as urgent bowel movements, diarrhea and gas with oily spotting.
I did not take Alli because of any grand promises. I did not take Alli to do the work for me. I needed to learn that there are consequences for my bad decisions. That's how I got this big- by not realizing that there are consequences for the food that I shoveled into my mouth or the hours I spent on the couch. I started with the Alli and with Livestrong.com website and iphone app so that I could track my calories and fat gram intake as well as the calories burned through exercise. Let me just say- I LOVE livestrong.com! That is such a fantastic way to keep track of how you are doing!
I starting making bigger changes slowly at first... I cut back to diet soda for a week, and then began to slowly cut it out completely. Once I got through the tension/caffiene/sugar addiction headaches I felt so much better! So then I cut out coffee and starbucks as well. I will occasionally let myself have a diet lemonade and sometimes I sneak in a crystal light packet or two, last week on my cheat day I had a diet coke, but for the most part I drink water. At least two of the big 1.5L bottles of smartwater a day. That has been the biggest change. Kicking the soda habit was HARD but completely worth it.
I downloaded a few workout videos and did Carmen Elektra's Stripper Aerobics. It got me moving. It didn't do much more than that, but it got me moving! I would not exactly recommend these videos. When I was officially a month in, I joined a gym. I was SO SCARED to walk through those doors... So scared of being the big girl in the gym. But I knew that if I were paying for a gym membership it would force me to be focused and be accountable. And that is exactly what it did. And more importantly- it taught me that I can push myself!
As far as diet, I started by simply looking at fat grams. I just focused on that until I could get my bearings and wrap my head around everything else. I just focused on the Alli reccomendation of 30-45 grams of fat per day. With lower fat, there are generally lower calories, so that naturally lowered my calorie intake. Now I am able to focus on the bigger picture and have calorie, fat, sodium, protein and fiber goals for each day. (Especially fiber! Thats an important one if you wanna feel fuller!!)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I just keep telling myself that every pound I sweat off is one less pound I have to carry around everyday.
I have made a few rather big revelations this past week. I've been thinking a lot.
I have realized that I have changed. I have. I can feel a difference from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I did not realize how unhappy and lazy and sad I was until I started to change and now I am NOT satisfied with sitting on the couch watching life pass me by anymore. I never will go back to that again. I want to be active. I want to move. I want to enjoy my life. I want to live my life I want to be an active participant in this life. Its the only one I have! I am becoming more and more and more aware of just how much I have changed. At first I really thought that it would just be pounds... weight, diet.... physical changes. But now it has evolved into so much more. The way I look at life has changed. I am seeing things in a whole new light. I am seeking out opportunities to grow, to challenge myself, to be ACTIVE. I enjoy it. I never thought that would be, but it IS. I am looking at the possibility of running (well, lets be honest, probably walking) a 5k. Not for any reason, not for any money or any competition, not to prove anything to anyone other than myself. I want to do it for me. I want to be better for me. I want to push harder for me.
I want MORE.Its not about food and calories and fat grams and sweat and numbers on a scale anymore. It is WAY more than that. Its about gaining a life that I never thought was possible, Its about standing up and saying that I want more. That I deserve more. And I have found this pride in myself that never existed before. I AM worth it. I AM worth more. I AM worth the fight and the effort.
I've made changes and worked hard before in my life, toward many a goal, but I am realizing now that it was almost always fueled by some outside source. School was about proving people wrong. About proving to people who doubted me that I could do it. On my own. Without them. It was stubborn pride. The foolish pride of a stupid kid. But that sense of accomplishment was empty. There was no prize won. In fact I never even finished. I couldnt even finish that. And why? Because I always quit when it gets really hard or when it stops getting me attention.
That is hard to even put into words, let alone really wrap my head around. I've done positive things but only to make other people happy. To make people proud of me. But I've never been proud of myself. I am constantly seeking that validation from other people. But I need to make MYSELF proud. and I'm getting there. I have not lost so much weight yet that people see me and it is jaw dropping. I am excited to get to that point, let me tell you what! But for now I think I am learning the important lessons. I am proving to myself every single time I make a good decision, every single time I drag my butt to the gym when I dont really feel like it, I am proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishing the goals that I have set for myself little by little by little. It is NOT going to happen overnight. It IS going to take long hours of hard work. But I can do this.
I can do this.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
So I took on a whole new level of challenge. I did my first bootcamp class tonight! I wanted to die. Not gonna lie. My thighs still hurt. A lot. We did 320 lunges by the end of the class among other things. and I still put in 40 mins on the elliptical before class! It pushed me. That is for sure. But I did it. And I kept up with the 5 other women in the class (The heaviest of which was maybe 175) I am SO proud of myself. I am SO TIRED and SWEATY! lol
Lets see how I feel in 6 weeks....