Thursday, February 25, 2010

The boot list. (Cause sometimes you need a swift kick to get moving)

When I loose the weight I will...

be healthy and fit

fit in booths at restaurants

be able to ride on a roller coaster

go to the beach and not be too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit or have to wear layers to cover the rolls.

feel sexy
no longer dread trying on clothes

no longer make excuses to avoid activities that would make me uncomfortable because of my size

be completely self-confident and not fake it

fit comfortably in an airplane seat

be able to walk into ANY clothing store and fit in normal size clothes. Goodbye Lane Bryant! No more "plus" "womens" "extended" or "baby elephant" sizes!

wear feminine, daring, fitted clothing instead of frumpy hoodies, t-shirts and jeans all the time

wear dresses

wear sexy heels without wobbling... You can't balance a watermelon on two toothpicks!

look hot in lingerie

have better SEX! =)

have no more excuses for not going after my dreams...

be able to walk up steps without huffing and puffing and getting red in the face

have more stamina

be able to run a mile

feel healthy, strong, and energetic

fit in vehicles more comfortably

fit in seat-belts more comfortably. No more whipering to the airline attendant "can I have an extender please?" while everyone stares at you like you are a zoo animal.

identify as something other than a "big girl"

be an active person, have an active life.

be able to paint my toenails with more ease

have more room in the bath tub... maybe enough room for two?!?

not feel like everyone is staring at me when I'm in public

not feel embarrassed of my size
not feel like a odd or different... or less than someone who is fit

live and enjoy life to the fullest and not feel like I am just existing or faking it
like the reflection in the mirror... the whole refelection. Not just from the shoulders up.

wear sleeveless shirts

wear shorts

wear above-the-knee skirts

be less inhibited... in every area of my life

go on a long bike ride

not have a belly in the way... of everything

be able to cross my legs

be more flexible

not be hot when everyone else is cool

take pictures of my whole self and not just my face

not feel achey when I get out of bed in the morning

not have cankles. You know calf-ankles no seperation between the two.

know what it's like to be thin and fit

enjoy being thin and fit

feel desirable

feel sexy

not have floors creak when I walk on them

fit through turnstiles without turning sideways

have more room in the shower

roller skate

not be embarrassed to go to the doctor's office

not be embarrassed by the number on the scale

have the normal sized blood pressure cuff actually fit my arm

my thighs will NO LONGER rub together when I walk

not be the fattest person everywhere I go

be able to throw away all of my "fat clothes"

go on a shopping spree and get a whole new wardrobe

not have to worry if a blouse is long enough to cover my hips, butt, and stomach

not avoid getting my picture taken because I hate how fat my face and body looks

be judged for who I am, not for how much I weigh

not be perceived as a fat, lazy slob

see my muscles and my real shape... not mounds of fat

be able to feel my bones

not feel inferior because of my weight

not "hide"

not have to pull and stretch my clothes out before I wear them

not have to wear a girdle, waist cincher, spanx, or a corset

not have to walk sideways down the aisle of airplanes

be able to walk through narrow aisles of department stores and specialty shops and not have to turn sideways
fit into seats at any movie or theater

not feel compelled to lie about how much I weigh

fit comfortably in any chair with or without arms

not feel compelled to cover my lap with a blanket or pillow any time I'm sitting on a couch in order to hide my fat stomach

not be embarrassed of my fat calves when wearing capris
not have to wear an extender chain on short necklaces or bracelets

not hate my body and what I have done to it

not be depressed because of my weight

be in control of my life, habits, eating, body... not the other way around

Atonement for my sins... *warning* kinda icky

 Well... I am allowed one cheat day a week to treat myself. On Sunday all I could think about was Arbys curly fries. Thats all I wanted. So it was my cheat day, I went to Arbys. Did I still make good choices? Did I keep it in a reasonable portion? Nope. I ate a LARGE curly fry and a Roast Beef and Cheddar. I wish I could tell you that I did not enjoy it while I ate it, but that would be a lie. It tasted great. Afterwards I felt tired and sluggish. I went to sleep with heartburn and plans to SERIOUSLY workout with my trainer at 8 am but didn't think much of it otherwise.
Well I woke up at 4am feeling less than ok. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. Violently. I'm not talking about a dainty little sick, I'm talking about projectile, wretching, doubled over, exorcist-style VOMIT. It was awful.
I thought ok, too much grease... thats fine. I will just take a shower and drink some water and I will be ok.
Wrong. I threw up again IN THE SHOWER! Thats when I first thought that I was in trouble. I got out of the shower and laid on the couch for a while...well, maybe an hour or so and then ran to the bathroom again...
Ugh. I felt AWFUL. Cold. Clammy. Weak. Green.
But I thought I could push through it enough to get through my workout that morning. The ride to the gym made me question myself. Every bump made my stomach lurch. I made it to the gym and Kevin noticed right away that I was not in good shape. I managed to make it through about ten minutes before I was running for the bathroom. So there I am, in the bathroom at the gym wretching again. But this time there is nothing left in my stomach but grease. I am not kidding you, I was throwing up grease and the water I drank while working out for a whopping ten minutes. Definitely not my proudest moment.
So I dragged my way through the SLOWEST pace I have ever had on the elliptical for another ten minutes and then I just packed it in.
So then I spent my whole off day that I had so been looking forward to running from the couch to the bathroom. super. I took the next day off of work and bootcamp class because I still couldn't really keep anything down.
Yesterday was my first day back to normal. I got in a good solid workout and I am looking forward to class tonight.
I talked to Kevin about what I ate and he said my body was probably just rejecting it. I did a bunch of research online and that seems to be the concensous. After not eating anything fried since November 1st and then gorging on a large deep fried mess... I felt so dumb. But I have GOT to look at the bright side. I think this is solidifying in my head that
I can NEVER go back.
 Even if my head would let me, my body will not. So that is something to think about. Those old habits can creep up on you... When I think about what I used to eat in a day... I can't believe it. All that grease. All that fat. All those preservatives and phosphates and nitrates and fillers in fast food. All the damage I did to my body and never thought twice about it... 100 pounds lost and a LOT of lessons learned, I know that I am changed.