Thursday, March 4, 2010

on finally hitting the dreaded plateau... and wanting eat anything that is not nailed down...

So let me just start by saying that I am SO predictable... I hit a wall and I want to eat.
I finally have hit the plateau that I have been bracing myself for. I've lost two pounds this week... Stuck at 118 lost.... Still working, not giving up. To be honest it is kind of a relief. I've blasted through the first 100 pounds without many hiccups and I knew this was coming, at least now I can just get through it. I'm not even really that frustrated with it...
what I am frustrated with, though, is the fact that this week I just want to EAT.
I just want to EAT.
I don't know what it going on in my head. I think I am seeking some sort of comfort or something because it's not like I am hungry all the time, it's my brain. My brain wants to eat and eat and eat. I ate an entire head of lettuce yesterday. WTF?! I just wanted to feel full.
Only a fat or former fat person can understand...
Only a fat or former fat person can understand that. There is some bizzarre comfort that I used to find in feeling completely stuffed. Even when I was so full that my stomach hurt, there was still a strange comfort in that. I wish I could understand where that came from...
I keep thinking about how life will be different when I reach my goal weight... How I will be different. I have always touted about this "big girl" thing. It was who I was. I was a "big girl" and I was damn proud of it. If you didn't like it, screw you. I faked being confident so much for so long that even I started to believe it at times. And I did have moments when I did feel it. Even now I dont find myself completely unattractive. I do not sit around staring in the mirror and hating myself. I just focus on the good stuff. Like from the boobs up! (Thank God I have always had a nice But I keep thinking now who will I be if I am not the "big girl"? Who will I be if I'm not the fat funny friend? There is a safety in being the fat friend. You don't have to worry about ever being in a compromising situation. No one is ever going to force themselves on you. You wont have to fend off unwanted advances. You can watch out for your cuter, thinner, wilder friends when you go out to make sure that they dont do anything stupid. But what happens when I am not insulated/protected from the outside world by this bubble of fat...this safety net of blubber... What happens if someday I am the one who is noticed and dangerous and no longer a "safe" "big girl". What will I be then? It has always defined me. Always. "Remember Kayla? You know she is the big girl with the pretty face." I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that exact description of me. The big girl with the pretty face. Will I have to own up to my mistakes and shortcomings then? Now I have a built-in excuse. If I fail or falter it's not my fault, it's because I am fat. If I dont feel like doing something because I am just plain old lazy, It's not my fault, its cause I'm fat. Well, what happens when I'm not fat? It's all on me. This change is happening already. I am already starting to feel this one shift. I am taking the reins more and more and not letting myself make excuses. Except when it comes to food. I have a million and one excuses as to why I can eat. Why I can bend the rules. When I want something I will find a way to talk myself into it being ok. I guess I just have to go back to basics and remind myself that this is a process. I am completely re-learning how to live life. I am totally changing my habits every single day. I am re-building my relationship with food and that is not going to happen overnight.
I just keep waiting to FEEL different. I know in my head that I have lost 118 pounds and that is a big accomplishment, but I dont FEEL like it yet... I just feel like I am still at the start if this huge journey. Even when I have lost all the weight then I have to shift to maintaning it... and I've heard that is even harder than loosing it! I dunno... I figure I still have about 120 pounds to loose. Maybe after the next 100 I will feel different...I just feel very in-transition right now. I keep throwing clothes away but I am so hesitant to buy new ones because I am in between right now. I am loosing weight faster in my chest, butt and legs than my center, so clothes fit really strange... I just feel like a house currently being remodeled. You know, you live out of one room at a time bc there is stuff being worked on everywhere. I guess the good news is that I am loving the change I made to my hair. That was a big change and I love it. There again I am predictable, when I get bored or restless or frustrated, I change my hair. It livens me up.


  1. Kayla Kayla Kayla !!
    You feel better when you eat because when we were small - me, your mom, my mom, my daughters - we were always given something to eat to "make you feel better". Some ice cream, a piece of candy, a cookie...And if you lost 2 lbs this week, that isn't a plateau, that is a healthy rate at which to lose weight. Just remember, it took 26+ years to get to where you started !! And at least you ate a head of lettuce, not a bag of chips or a gallon of ice cream :)
    I am really proud of you, and think it's a wonderful thing you are doing, and a marvelous example for the rest of us.

  2. I have to agree with your Aunt Kathy, 2 lbs is not a plateau! My friend Josie lost around a 100 lbs, and she was losing 5-8 lbs a week at first, and it slowly declined, the more weight she lost. 2 lbs a week is what's considered healthy, so you're right on track!

    Also, can't you just be our funny friend Kayla? Or how about our Awesome Funny Friend Kayla? :)

    I do understand about having that "buffer" for why you're not doing something well or succeeding. I just started realizing that by not putting 100% effort into anything, I'm protecting myself--I'm not truly failing, because I'm not truly trying, you know? Now I'm not letting myself have that excuse any more! It's a great, and really scary feeling.

    Keep at it! You are an inspiration to all of us who read your blog. :)