Wednesday, June 22, 2011

New motivation and a hard reality check... Starting over at the beginning again.

It has been quite a while, dear friends. If anyone is still out there, thank you for reading and being supportive! I have missed you all very much!
Well, I wish I had all good news, but.... I think we all know where this is going...
I decided to make a strategical move in August and move FAR into the suburbs with two of my (what I thought were) good friends. I figured I would have roomates, save some money and in a year be in a much better situation.
I was wrong. What I got was a nightmare! It has been hell. Emotional terrorism. I literally live in my bedroom. I sleep here, watch tv here, eat here and rarely leave.
I am also stranded too far from the city to be accessible to much of anything. Including the gym that had become my comfort zone for a year. I thought that I would find a gym here in the burbs but I didn't. I thought that I would not loose control but I did.
I let the stress and the tension and the negativity of a bad situation become an excuse to revert to my old ways of dealing with problems. I just stuffed my feelings further and further down. Stuffing myself full of fast food and junk food until I felt sick.

Then I had a change at work. In November I started a two month working interview for a job that was a major career game-changer. It was incredibly intense and stressful and long insane hours but I got it! And since then I work at least one if not two 16 hour days a week. Sitting in a chair. Not moving. Then I come home and eat and lay in bed and dont move. Then on the weekends I just lounge about watching tv or going to the movies and dont really move. I have become almost entirely sedentary. And completely depressed.
Needless to say I have gained almost all of the weight back.
Here I am a few weeks ago. A friend snapped a picture on her phone and sent it to me. I was mortified at the sight of myself. After all of that work. After all of that positive change... I just let it all slip away. For what? Ice cream? Fast food? Big Macs and Onion rings and fried chicken??
Was it really worth it? No.
So here I am.... In all my rounded face and double chin glory.


The more weight I gained the more I avoided. I avoided anyone who had been supportive of my weight loss or who I had told a lot about my journey. I avoided this blog completely. Every time I got a new comment it was a reminder of my shame and my guilt. And guess what?? It became another reason to stuff my face.
I have been avoiding my family. I have been avoiding my friends.
My best friend is getting married in November and I have been avoiding him because I am completely horrified even thinking about going to his wedding looking the way that I do.
The hard part about having been so vocal about my journey is that it is very difficult to loose all control and gain the weight back and not have people question you. Anytime someone would ask me how I was doing or how the weight loss was going I would just cringe and avoid the topic. Change the subject or just say that I was "working on it".

Last night I went out to dinner with some friends. We are chatting and eating and having a drink and they mentioned that they were going to join a gym together and be workout buddies. Before I knew what I was saying I said that I wanted to join them and we all agreed to work out together today.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I felt sick. Would I even be able to get through it? How embarrassing was this going to be?
Going to the gym for the first time in well over 6 months.
I had visions of myself just passing out on the eliptical.
But I went.
I just did cardio and we were in and out in an hour, but now I feel fantastic.
Jessica and I went out to dinner. She wanted to go to a buffet.  I went and I made good choices. A big salad with salsa and fat free ranch, green beans, roasted chicken and a baked potato. But I did have a roll with lots of butter. Still much better choices than I was making.
So Here I Am. Back at the beginning. I feel I may have a much more realistic grasp on just how serious my problem is.
I think I really do have a food addiction. I think that the way some addicts need drugs to numb the pain and deal with the stress. I think I use food in that way. But I cannot quit cold turkey.
But I wish I could. I wish I could just flip a magical switch and all the choices would be made for me. I would not have to obsess and count calories or points or measure portion sizes or look at nutrition labels.
But I have to. And that is all part of the journey this time. Being realistic. I have to make it a part of my life but not an all-consuming obsession.
I am buying a membership to the gym tomorrow.
Today is the first step of a LONG and difficult journey. But this time I have to do the hard work. This time I have to work on not just the outside but the inside too.
If only I had chosen drugs instead of food... 90 days of rehab sounds a hell of a lot easier! Intervention me, please!