New motivation and a hard reality check... Starting over at the beginning again.

It has been quite a while, dear friends. If anyone is still out there, thank you for reading and being supportive! I have missed you all very much!
Well, I wish I had all good news, but.... I think we all know where this is going...
I decided to make a strategical move in August and move FAR into the suburbs with two of my (what I thought were) good friends. I figured I would have roomates, save some money and in a year be in a much better situation.
I was wrong. What I got was a nightmare! It has been hell. Emotional terrorism. I literally live in my bedroom. I sleep here, watch tv here, eat here and rarely leave.
I am also stranded too far from the city to be accessible to much of anything. Including the gym that had become my comfort zone for a year. I thought that I would find a gym here in the burbs but I didn't. I thought that I would not loose control but I did.
I let the stress and the tension and the negativity of a bad situation become an excuse to revert to my old ways of dealing with problems. I just stuffed my feelings further and further down. Stuffing myself full of fast food and junk food until I felt sick.

Then I had a change at work. In November I started a two month working interview for a job that was a major career game-changer. It was incredibly intense and stressful and long insane hours but I got it! And since then I work at least one if not two 16 hour days a week. Sitting in a chair. Not moving. Then I come home and eat and lay in bed and dont move. Then on the weekends I just lounge about watching tv or going to the movies and dont really move. I have become almost entirely sedentary. And completely depressed.
Needless to say I have gained almost all of the weight back.
Here I am a few weeks ago. A friend snapped a picture on her phone and sent it to me. I was mortified at the sight of myself. After all of that work. After all of that positive change... I just let it all slip away. For what? Ice cream? Fast food? Big Macs and Onion rings and fried chicken??
Was it really worth it? No.
So here I am.... In all my rounded face and double chin glory.

sigh

The more weight I gained the more I avoided. I avoided anyone who had been supportive of my weight loss or who I had told a lot about my journey. I avoided this blog completely. Every time I got a new comment it was a reminder of my shame and my guilt. And guess what?? It became another reason to stuff my face.
I have been avoiding my family. I have been avoiding my friends.
My best friend is getting married in November and I have been avoiding him because I am completely horrified even thinking about going to his wedding looking the way that I do.
The hard part about having been so vocal about my journey is that it is very difficult to loose all control and gain the weight back and not have people question you. Anytime someone would ask me how I was doing or how the weight loss was going I would just cringe and avoid the topic. Change the subject or just say that I was "working on it".

Last night I went out to dinner with some friends. We are chatting and eating and having a drink and they mentioned that they were going to join a gym together and be workout buddies. Before I knew what I was saying I said that I wanted to join them and we all agreed to work out together today.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I felt sick. Would I even be able to get through it? How embarrassing was this going to be?
Going to the gym for the first time in well over 6 months.
I had visions of myself just passing out on the eliptical.
But I went.
I just did cardio and we were in and out in an hour, but now I feel fantastic.
Jessica and I went out to dinner. She wanted to go to a buffet.  I went and I made good choices. A big salad with salsa and fat free ranch, green beans, roasted chicken and a baked potato. But I did have a roll with lots of butter. Still much better choices than I was making.
So Here I Am. Back at the beginning. I feel I may have a much more realistic grasp on just how serious my problem is.
I think I really do have a food addiction. I think that the way some addicts need drugs to numb the pain and deal with the stress. I think I use food in that way. But I cannot quit cold turkey.
But I wish I could. I wish I could just flip a magical switch and all the choices would be made for me. I would not have to obsess and count calories or points or measure portion sizes or look at nutrition labels.
But I have to. And that is all part of the journey this time. Being realistic. I have to make it a part of my life but not an all-consuming obsession.
I am buying a membership to the gym tomorrow.
Today is the first step of a LONG and difficult journey. But this time I have to do the hard work. This time I have to work on not just the outside but the inside too.
If only I had chosen drugs instead of food... 90 days of rehab sounds a hell of a lot easier! Intervention me, please!

It's not a question, I just think what you're doing is fantastic and wanted you to know.

Thank you!! I cannot even tell you how much it has helped to have the words of encouragement from the blog. It is a CONSTANT battle... making the right food choices. Fat is SO much easier than healthy!!!

Ask me anything

You look beautiful in that little black dress. :)

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Ask me anything

On backsliding, junk food binging, finding what works and clawing my way back...

Well, I got a bit lost there for a while....but I am back!!!
I backslid.
I started a new job where I am completely sedentary trapped in a cubicle and on top of that I am working very odd and unpredictable hours. It has made a LOT of things a whole lot more difficult. Its harder to plan and schedule meals. It's harder to make it to the gym. It's harder to sleep. It's harder to have time with my family. It's just been a very rough adjustment period. so with all of that going on and working against me, the fat kid inside of me took hold. It all started with that freaking vending machine in the break room... I hate that vending machine. One night I was only supposed to work 6 hours and ended up staying 12. I had not planned on having to eat at work so I didn't bring anything. Kroger was already closed and so were both restaurants nearby. I was stuck there with literally nothing to eat. So I went to the vending machine and feeling like I was starving, all logic went out the window. I'm sure you know how this story is going to go... then the next day when I came in the vending machine was staring me down and I let myself have a little treat, just a little something. And on and on and on... ugh. The vending machine led to Mcdondalds which led to Chik-filet which led to Burger King and before I knew it I found myself checking out at the grocery store buying two bags of doritos and a package of Oreos... So I have gained 10 pounds in a month. DAMNIT. That sucks. Definitely not the direction I want to be headed in.
But I had made great progess until I lost control... When I went back to michigan to visit I got SO many great responses to how I looked... and more importantly, I took up much less space.  I found myself in odd situations where I was reminded that I am a smaller person. I take up less space now. I fit into a round booth at a restaurant! I slid gracefully (ish) around the bend without sucking in for my life or painfully squeezing my gut against the table edge. I ate lunch comfortably without my stomach resting on the table awkwardly. It felt amazing. When I got on the plane, I sat next to someone! I still needed an extender, but JUST BARELY. We sat next to each other and he did not have to lean waaay out in the aisle and I didn't have to hold myself awkwardly to one side, Leaning into the hole for the window to give him more room.
So now I am pushing myself back on the track. I was talking to someone at the gym about how frustrated I am that bootcamp was really working for me and now I can't go with my new schedule and finding time to get to the gym is harder and she suggested I try p90x. I laughed at her. That is for people who are already fitness nuts and want to get ripped. She said she does it on days when her husband has the car and she can't get to the gym for bootcamp. She said she just modifies or substitutes things that are too hard with the things she already has learned and can do from our bootcamp class. She offered to burn me a copy and I thought, what the heck I will give it a shot. I dont have anything to loose, I guess. So I tried it.
Let me tell you, I am in LOVE!!!
I am two weeks into Phase 1 and it is fantastic! The explosive plyometrics (ie Jumping) is just not in my realm of possibility right now, but thats ok, I just do an extra day of the cardio x or the core synergy. I'm just modifying what doesn't really work for me and substituting in the stuff that does. I'm basically getting the more hardcore intensity that I was craving from my old routine and I am getting it for me. AT HOME! So I have decided to put my gym membership on hold for a while. I'll save some money. I have something that is working. And after this I want to try Insanity. It's along the same lines as p90x and it'll give me some variety. I feel good about it. and I am sweating my ASS OFF!!! I love it.
I let the frustration of not being able to have my old schedule and habits anymore just break me down. I didn't realize just how much I relied on them until I lost them. But now I feel like I am back on track. That is SUCH a great feeling.

Here's a fun little thing....
Here is a picture of me and my best friend from October

And here is a picture of us from May

He has been loosing weight also and looks FANTASTIC!
Can't wait to see the difference in another 6 months....

some days...

Some days all the food in the world isn't enough.

Some days housework is just that.

Some days meditation is just silence.

Some days two hours of exercise feels like a drop in the ocean.

Some days feeding your body is just the beginning.

Some days just having all the tools doesn't mean you can build anything.

Today I am home. I could be working on numerous projects. I am on my second cup of tea, but feel like I need a nap. The dogs and I have been for a two mile walk. I have watched an episode of Desperate Housewives while using the stationary bike. I have done dishes.

My house is full of things used to create stuff. Cameras, paint, computers, decoupage glue, recording equipment, microphones, pots, and pans. There are days (like today) when I feel as though they are simply for decoration. I know how to use them. I've done it before. I've created my own little masterpieces. Today they suddenly seem alien to me. I don't know how they work. I have forgotten what they do, or why they do it, rather. We are all wasting space together, waiting for lightning to strike.

Some days all I do is not binge eat.

I spend all day fighting to not fill my gut or stuff myself into silence. So I gather healthy, sensible ingredients. I combine some herbs, frozen steamfresh veggies, shred some leftover lemon pepper chicken breast, organic chopped tomatoes, kashi rice pilaf, corn, lentils, black beans... They all meet in a pot. The pot gets hot. It will stay like this for some time. It will make a soup.  It will be placed next to the stuff in the fridge which is newer than the stuff in the freezer. It seems as though I am always in some transition between stocking up and pairing down.

Some days there are just tomorrows.

Some days there is only hoping that tomorrows are better than todays.

TMI Alert: The small stall...

This post might be TMI for Non-Fatty's, but for those of us who know what its like to be big sized in a small sized world- "fitting in" has a much different meaning.
Public Bathrooms...
They have a whole host of issues surrounding them for both thin and chubby people, but for me they have always been a source of frustration and embarrassment. I always, and I do mean always, use the handicap stall. Always. I need to room.
Here's the TMI part... I haven't been able to use the small stalls in years. I had to turn sideways and suck in my gut to close the door. And then I didn't have enough room to do what I had to do... Like I said, TMI.
Well, yesterday we went to see a movie and I had to use the restroom. I walked in and the Handicap stall was occupied, but I HAD to pee! So I went to the small stall on the end and just walked in and closed the door. No sucking in, no turning sideways. No problems. Then I did my business and got out.
I know its an odd moment to celebrate, but I will take any cause for celebration I can get lately.
I slipped. I stopped journaling my food. I hadn't logged into Livestrong.com in almost a month. I just started slacking and then it got away from me completely. Then not journaling led to forgetting to eat breakfast before work and then last week I got to the gym for my workout and realized that I had not eaten breakfast OR lunch. Reality check time. I have got to get back on schedule. Journaling reminds me to eat. Journaling reminds me to pay attention. I gotta get back in control.
I decided to try something new. I bought some Boost with protein for those mornings when I am just running behind. Some days I just cant get it together. Maybe that will keep me on track.

The workouts are still going well. Still love the gym. But I am craving something more. I watch a lot of the Biggest Loser and I am jealous. My favorite moments on the show are when someone hits a wall during a workout and they think they cannot go any further and Jillian gets in their face and pushes them beyond what they think they are capable of. I want that kind of intensity. I want someone to push me further than I think I can go. I want someone to yell at me. I want someone to get me out of my comfort zone. I love my bootcamp class, don't get me wrong. It kicks my butt and it works me out and it gets the job done, but it doesn't shake me. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. It doesn't push me past my limit. I don't know if I am craving adrenaline or just testing my limits...but I want to shake up my routine.
Has anyone tried kettlebells?

I've been doing some research and I found a place in ATL that has a class...but it's pricey. I am fascinated by the things I have read and heard about kettlebell training. I have heard that it is great for shaking up your body and burning some serious fat. hmm...
I'm also toying with the idea of taking another bikram yoga (hot yoga) class but at a different studio this time. I need more sweating and burning and less chanting and talking. The class I took was a lot of "find your center and look through your third eye". I am not trying to find my third eye, I am trying to find myself under all this fat!!!! lol

I'm not very new age, I'm afraid. All the granola eating, hairy armpitted, all organic, patchouli wearing, vegan yoga instructors at the studio I went to just made me feel COMPLETELY out of place and square. I dont think I am cool enough for yoga... I dont know.
I guess at this point I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any for shaking up my routine. I do a pretty intense 45 minute bootcamp class on tuesdays and thursdays after my one hour workout on my own and then I do a two hour workout on mondays, wednesdays and sometimes fridays. Its a lot, but I have been at it for 5 months now.

A major step in a girls life... My very first little black dress...

I did it. I bought a little black dress!!

I was looking through my closet two weeks ago and had a moment of clarity and grabbed a garbage bag. It was time to start letting go. I am never going to wear a size 32 again. Ever. So I threw my fat clothes away. I threw away the big comfy sweatpants that I bought a few sizes too big so I could hide even more. I threw away the shirt that I thought was so cute at the time that now just hung on me. I threw away the jeans that literaly fell off of me when I put them on. It felt so good to let those things go.
And then I looked at what I was left with.
It was time for some SERIOUS retail therapy.
poor me, right!
I was nervous at first but then I got to thinking. I have always loved stores like Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Ross but I never looked at clothes because they rarely had anything worth looking at in the big big big plus sizes. But now I am just the medium big plus size. hmmm... So I went to Ross while they were having a big sale on all their dresses and I got a little gutsy. I started looking at dresses. Let me preface this with the fact that I have NEVER worn a dress without jeans under it, thus wearing it as a top. In fact I think I have probably owned less than ten dresses in my entire life. I was just never comfortable in them. But I saw them differently this time. I saw options. I saw possibilities. I saw an opportunity to start being the kind of woman I always admired. Someone with style. Someone dressed for something other than comfort!!
Then I found it. My little black dress.

I cannot believe it... I obviously have a bit more work to be done on my midsection, but I don't look half bad. In a dress! A little Black dress!
In another note, I found another before picture... Flipping through a friends facebook I found a few candid pictures of me from last summer...yikes...

Nothing keeps you motivated like seeing a picture and going who is that round girl...oh yeah, thats me...