Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A new goal...

I am setting a new goal! But first, Let's start with a bit of backstory shall we?
I have always been fat. Not chubby, not plump, not pudgy. Fat. My entire life. I do not remember EVER being the same size as my peers. Ever. For many fat kids, girls especially, this can lead to a living hell in high school, but I was blessed to go to a high school that had much to offer in the way of extracurriculars and I found my niche with choir and theater. I was also blessed to have met someone at the very begining of my freshman year in high school who would go one to change my self and my life forever. Jordon Hudson. My best friend. We joke that we are non-sexual life partners. When I met him we were kindred spirits in both interests - choir, theater, broadway, specifically the musical RENT as well as in food and body type. He was a fellow fatty. Then he took control of his fatness and in our junior year he was put on prescription meridia and lost the weight. Since then he has kept the weight off and no one can even imigine him being overweight.... while I have gotten bigger and bigger. I have always envied his self control.
He has continued and has been very successful in theater. He is fearless and ridiculously talented. I am sometimes in complete awe of him. I am so proud of him. I on the other hand have not been able to muster the courage to even walk into an audition since high school. I am terrified of rejection, judgement, failure... I really hope I can change that someday...
Moving 3 years ago from Grand Rapids Michigan, a smaller, friendly, yet forward thinking midwestern city to Metro Atlanta with it's sprawling, bustling, congested, sometimes pretentious 5million people, I often find myself feeling a bit lost. But visiting home, and my chosen family of friends always brings me back to myself.
Well, Jordon called me this weekend with some fantastic news. He is cast in a local production of RENT, a show that is near and dear to our hearts and has been such a big part of our lives. The show runs May 6-22. I am booking my plane tickets as soon as I get paid. I have to be there.
SO I am setting a new goal. I WILL be under 250 pounds (hopefully well under.) when I go home.
I know it sounds odd but I really want to make Jordon proud. I want the work I have been doing to be obvious. I want it to be shocking. I have two months to make it happen. I cannot wait to share the new me with my Grand Rapids family. They have never seen me healthy and I can't wait to show them.
I was feeling a bit deflated last week... just not motivated. Kinda blah. But now I have a renewed purpose! I have wind in my sails and I am excited to hit the ground running tonight at the gym. It's time to get to work!! I went to the Farmers market yesterday and spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on groceries! geez... It is so much more expensive eating healthy, fresh and not pre-packaged. I just keep finding reasons why it is no suprise that I was fat! It is so much easier to eat unhealthy.
I had a moment of clarity while at the gym on Friday. I will most likely be a member of a gym for the rest of my life. I will be working out for the rest of my life. It was a thought that just popped into my head. Some people stay at a healthy weight without working out, without really paying much attention to what they eat. But that will not be me. I will always have to think. I will always have to work. I know for a fact that I could very easily slide right back into old habits. I know I could, But I also know that I will never allow myself. Never again. Those pounds are gone forever!