Well It has been a long absence I know... and I am sorry. But I, frankly, have been a hot mess.
My knees have been bothering me. A lot. I bought some Glucosamine and have been taking that. Its finally starting to help now, but last week was miserable. Last tuesday I went to bootcamp class and only made it through half before I was so frustrated that I was red faced and tearing up. I was so angry that I couldn't do it. So I went back into the gym and just worked on some upper body and cardio and then went home- defeated. No, let me rephrase that, completely defeated. I felt like a failure. I was terrified that all these years of carrying that much weight had finally gotten to me. I beat myself up something terrible. Then I got an email from Kevin, my bootcamp instructor telling me that I should stay out of class for a week and stay away from squats and lunges and focus on upper body to guive my knees a rest. Then I was really upset.
So I went out Saturday. I had drinks. And more drinks. And more drinks. I made an ass out of myself because I have not had a drink in so long my tolerance was nothing. I was a mess. So then all day Sunday I felt rotten. I had to apologize to my wonderful fiance for the monster than came home. I curled up on the couch and watched season two of Ugly betty reeking of vodka and regret and I ate. I just wanted to eat it all away. I was ridiculously off plan, and I was hungover to boot. Just bad news in general.
But I got up yesterday and got back on plan, dragged my sorry butt back to the gym and I worked. Hard.
There is a silver lining in this whole mess of a week- I have a new gym buddy!! My friends husband came back from bootcamp with the Army Reserves in January and wanted to join a gym to stay in shape so we are working out together and thus far it has been great. He kicked my ass yesterday!! I never thought I would ever look at that like it is a good thing. When I left the gym yesterday my arms were JELLO.
On another note, I had kind of a break down last week... I'm just having a hard time dealing with feelings. I have always been the kind of person who likes to put on a happy face and a song and dance and pretend like everything is fine when behind the mask its a big ole mess. I just dont like to talk about it or show it. My last words will probably be "oh I'm fine!". But the way that I could hold those feelings at bay was by stuffing them down. I just ate them away. I would eat and eat and when I felt really full it was reassuring. I felt like everything was ok. It was controlled. Contained. Buried. Now I am having a hard time when I feel overwhelmed. It helps to work out. I get out some of that frustration. But the other stuff...I just need to start talking. Stop beign so worried that someone will think that I am not completely in control and just talk.
Easier said than done.