Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Can I have new knees please!??!??! or ranting and raving...

Well It has been a long absence I know... and I am sorry. But I, frankly, have been a hot mess.
My knees have been bothering me. A lot. I bought some Glucosamine and have been taking that. Its finally starting to help now, but last week was miserable. Last tuesday I went to bootcamp class and only made it through half before I was so frustrated that I was red faced and tearing up. I was so angry that I couldn't do it. So I went back into the gym and just worked on some upper body and cardio and then went home- defeated. No, let me rephrase that, completely defeated. I felt like a failure. I was terrified that all these years of carrying that much weight had finally gotten to me. I beat myself up something terrible. Then I got an email from Kevin, my bootcamp instructor telling me that I should stay out of class for a week and stay away from squats and lunges and focus on upper body to guive my knees a rest. Then I was really upset.
So I went out Saturday. I had drinks. And more drinks. And more drinks. I made an ass out of myself because I have not had a drink in so long my tolerance was nothing. I was a mess. So then all day Sunday I felt rotten. I had to apologize to my wonderful fiance for the monster than came home. I curled up on the couch and watched season two of Ugly betty reeking of vodka and regret and I ate. I just wanted to eat it all away. I was ridiculously off plan, and I was hungover to boot. Just bad news in general.
But I got up yesterday and got back on plan, dragged my sorry butt back to the gym and I worked. Hard.
There is a silver lining in this whole mess of a week- I have a new gym buddy!! My friends husband came back from bootcamp with the Army Reserves in January and wanted to join a gym to stay in shape so we are working out together and thus far it has been great. He kicked my ass yesterday!! I never thought I would ever look at that like it is a good thing. When I left the gym yesterday my arms were JELLO.
On another note, I had kind of a break down last week... I'm just having a hard time dealing with feelings. I have always been the kind of person who likes to put on a happy face and a song and dance and pretend like everything is fine when behind the mask its a big ole mess. I just dont like to talk about it or show it. My last words will probably be "oh I'm fine!". But the way that I could hold those feelings at bay was by stuffing them down. I just ate them away. I would eat and eat and when I felt really full it was reassuring. I felt like everything was ok. It was controlled. Contained. Buried. Now I am having a hard time when I feel overwhelmed. It helps to work out. I get out some of that frustration. But the other stuff...I just need to start talking. Stop beign so worried that someone will think that I am not completely in control and just talk.
Easier said than done.


  1. I feel your pain, I really do! The emotional side of eating is just SO crazy - there's no rhyme or reason and it's the most difficult aspect of trying to get healthy. Your brain is a VERY powerful organ - and I've found that I have to work my brain out to develope new stronger resistance muscles. You can do it. Blogging IS talking. Keep it up!!

  2. Thank you. I have been very very pleasantly surprised at how much blogging helps. The encouragement and sharing ideas and supporting each other...It has made such a big difference.

  3. I understand how easy it is to push your feelings down and not want to talk about them, just start in a small way. Blogging is a great outlet. Also, don't be afraid to cry. A big long nose snuffling wet eye sob is sometimes so beneficial.

    Also I am there with you on the knee issues. UGH

  4. It's hard, but I am slowly learning to let my feelings out instead of using food to push them down.

    You can do it! Congrats on getting back to the gym and finding a new workout buddy.

  5. We all have melt downs like that! A month ago I ate almost an entire box of chocolate graham crackers by myself out of self pity. What is important is that when you come out of that momentary absence of sense you realize you need to move on. You so did that! You rock!

    I don't have the knee issues but my sciatic nerve (closest I can tell, I haven't ever talked to my Dr about it) KILLS ME. Today I was standing at the counter cooking and I turned to put a dish in the sink and I felt like someone stabbed me. It scares me too, like maybe I have already done too much damage, I so understand what you mean. Don't let it get you down though, I bet it gets better as you get lighter. Carry on!

  6. I have had a couple meltdowns like this recently. You aren't alone. Not with your pain or eating your emotions or any of it. I'm so there with you and I completely GET IT!! It shouldn't be this hard, right?
    Hey, I have a question for you. You used Alli in the beginning of your weightloss. How would you rate it? Would you suggest using it? Did it have any weird side effects? I'm just curious. Thanks in advance and you CAN do this. We ALL can do this. Your bad knees, my severe planters fascitis in my feet and all other ailments will NOT STOP US from losing this weight. No way, no how. You have come to far, dangit. :) And I can't wait to see how hot you look when you reach your next goal :)

  7. Hey there..
    I have been living in the ATL now for 5 yrs. Im from Canada.. Huge change coming here.. ARGGGG
    I stumbled upon your blog and it looks fantastic. Can't wait to follow your journey. you are doing great. Very inspiring I must say..
    Cheers to you..

  8. The journey is so long and hard, but definitely worth it. I think many of us have used food to silence our feelings. At least now we have to opportunity to recognise what we're doing and mend our ways.

    I need new Knees as well!!! :(

  9. Good work champ. Keep up the effort. it'll be worth it.
    B in Canada
    6' 190lbs (male)
    the fact you've lost 120lbs inspires me to lose the 10-15 i need to. I know that sounds easy but whatever it is, it needs work and effort.