Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Pushing through...

Well I met my first big road block and frankly, I let it knock me down.
I was sick. Legitimately sick. So I took a few days off work and what did I do? I stayed out of the gym completely for a whole week and I layed on the couch feeling sorry for myself and I ate. I ate whatever I wanted. I slipped up. a lot. I knew I was off plan. I knew I was not doing what I needed to do, but I let myself use being sick as an excuse.
I went back to the gym Friday night and it was a tough one. I missed bootcamp class all week and all I had been doing was sleeping. I weighed myself.... I gained weight. *damnit* Three pounds. I DRAGGED myself through my workout. it was really hard. I left the gym, drenched in sweat feeling both accomplished that I went back but also really dissapointed that I let myself down. While I was working out I gave myself an extra ten minutes of cardio and an extra 15 reps of the lunges I hate and in my head, without even realizing it, I was telling myself that it was to punish me for my bad behavior. How odd. Its like there is this voice in the back of my head that is so hurtful...so mean! That voice never praises, never celebrates victory. It only tallies the failures and the disappointments so that they can be repeated back over and over again to remind myself of my shortcomings. Why is it that it is so important to me to be kind and thoughtful to other people, but never to myself? This is something I am going to focus on this month. I putting a hit out on the Negative Nancy in the back of my head. I think I have heard just about enough from her.
So now it is back to Livestrong.com for food and excersize journaling. Back to the gym tonight for bootcamp with Kevin... I am sure I will be wanting to cry by the end of it tonight!! Back to my whey protein/flaxseed/frozen strawberries/light soymilk smoothie for breakfast and kashi black beans, rice and chicken for lunch. I am excited though... I know I feel so much better when I do the right thing. I felt like crap last week. Eating crappy food and being sick and everything else. I think that is the best lesson I have learned so far is that I feel so much better when I make the right choices and when I do what is right for me.

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