Core day is HELL! ...but I did it!

I accomplished something last night that I have been SO nervous about... I walked on the treadmill last night for the first time in my life without holding on!!! AND I stuck it out for 30 minutes! I just keep finding myself doing things that I never believed I could do! I've always been afraid of the treadmill... I am not the most coordinated person in the world... But I am getting better and better!

Then it was core day in bootcamp. ahh. Core day is hell. I was SOAKED with sweat when I got home and was completely exhausted. But I am feeling so good!! Kevin, the trainer, told me that core day would be hell for me... my core is surrounded by a semi truck tire thick layer of fat (my words not his!) so it would be 300% harder for me. He told me that he would not blame me at all for bailing and just putting in an extra hour of cardio. I'm not gonna lie, I thought about it. But I did not bail. I did not quit. I had to modify a lot of excersizes so I could do them without really hurting my lower back, but damnit, I got through it. After class Kevin pulled me aside and congratulated me. I felt SO GOOD. I did it. It was SO hard and I was sweating and panting and I'm sure it was not a pretty sight, but I did it. That feels really good, doing something that I should not be able to do...that I would NEVER have been able to do 3 months ago! Its so surprising to me to find that I am happier, more motivated by the changes in strength and ability and fitness than I am by pounds! I get SO proud of myself when I can get through an extra set at a higher weight. I was SO pumped when I finished on the treadmill yesterday. I'm just gonna keep focusing on those small victories.

In other news, I heard today from another person who read my blog that I am inspiring them to get moving. That is such a fantastic feeling!! I felt so alone in this at the begining and hearing that the blog is reaching people is so great. I know that it is going to keep me motivated and inspired when I just dont feel like it, because I know I am not in this alone anymore.

Its funny, I keep thinking that its no wonder I got fat- Its SO EASY to find someone to go out to eat or drink with but it is SO HARD to find someone to work out or be healthy and active with!!

How I got started...

Someone (a very fabulous someone I might add! Miss Monica, you know who you are!) asked me last night how I got started. It was the hardest decision to finaly make...but once it was made, every step after that seemed a little tiny bit easier than the one before. I started changing my diet/lifestyle by taking Alli.
What is Alli?
Alli is the reduced-strength version of orlistat, a prescription drug to treat obesity. It's approved by the FDA for over-the-counter sale to overweight adults 18 years and older. Alli is meant to be used in conjunction with a low-calorie, low-fat diet and regular exercise.
How does it work?
Alli promotes weight loss by decreasing the absorption of fat by the intestines, which reduces the number of calories you absorb. Alli is taken with fat-containing meals, up to three times a day. Because of how Alli works, it's recommended that you eat no more than 15 grams of fat with each meal. Eating higher amounts of fat can cause unwanted side effects, such as urgent bowel movements, diarrhea and gas with oily spotting.

I did not take Alli because of any grand promises. I did not take Alli to do the work for me. I needed to learn that there are consequences for my bad decisions. That's how I got this big- by not realizing that there are consequences for the food that I shoveled into my mouth or the hours I spent on the couch. I started with the Alli and with Livestrong.com website and iphone app so that I could track my calories and fat gram intake as well as the calories burned through exercise. Let me just say- I LOVE livestrong.com! That is such a fantastic way to keep track of how you are doing!
I starting making bigger changes slowly at first... I cut back to diet soda for a week, and then began to slowly cut it out completely. Once I got through the tension/caffiene/sugar addiction headaches I felt so much better! So then I cut out coffee and starbucks as well. I will occasionally let myself have a diet lemonade and sometimes I sneak in a crystal light packet or two, last week on my cheat day I had a diet coke, but for the most part I drink water. At least two of the big 1.5L bottles of smartwater a day. That has been the biggest change. Kicking the soda habit was HARD but completely worth it.
I downloaded a few workout videos and did Carmen Elektra's Stripper Aerobics. It got me moving. It didn't do much more than that, but it got me moving! I would not exactly recommend these videos. When I was officially a month in, I joined a gym. I was SO SCARED to walk through those doors... So scared of being the big girl in the gym. But I knew that if I were paying for a gym membership it would force me to be focused and be accountable. And that is exactly what it did. And more importantly- it taught me that I can push myself!
As far as diet, I started by simply looking at fat grams. I just focused on that until I could get my bearings and wrap my head around everything else. I just focused on the Alli reccomendation of 30-45 grams of fat per day. With lower fat, there are generally lower calories, so that naturally lowered my calorie intake. Now I am able to focus on the bigger picture and have calorie, fat, sodium, protein and fiber goals for each day. (Especially fiber! Thats an important one if you wanna feel fuller!!)

Bootcamp week two... and a few big revelations.

Holy crapoly... Kevin beat our asses last night in bootcamp class... It was way harder than last week. But I was shocked... My squats and lunges improved a LOT! And today I can definitely feel that I worked hard, but it is not like I am having trouble walking today like i was last week. Last week my thighs felt like they were going to snap. This week they feel stronger. My knees are definitely feeling it... Nothing a hot shower and some icy hot cant cure!

I just keep telling myself that every pound I sweat off is one less pound I have to carry around everyday.

I have made a few rather big revelations this past week. I've been thinking a lot.
I have realized that I have changed. I have. I can feel a difference from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I did not realize how unhappy and lazy and sad I was until I started to change and now I am NOT satisfied with sitting on the couch watching life pass me by anymore. I never will go back to that again. I want to be active. I want to move. I want to enjoy my life. I want to live my life I want to be an active participant in this life. Its the only one I have! I am becoming more and more and more aware of just how much I have changed. At first I really thought that it would just be pounds... weight, diet.... physical changes. But now it has evolved into so much more. The way I look at life has changed. I am seeing things in a whole new light. I am seeking out opportunities to grow, to challenge myself, to be ACTIVE. I enjoy it. I never thought that would be, but it IS. I am looking at the possibility of running (well, lets be honest, probably walking) a 5k. Not for any reason, not for any money or any competition, not to prove anything to anyone other than myself. I want to do it for me. I want to be better for me. I want to push harder for me.

I want MORE.

Its not about food and calories and fat grams and sweat and numbers on a scale anymore. It is WAY more than that. Its about gaining a life that I never thought was possible, Its about standing up and saying that I want more. That I deserve more. And I have found this pride in myself that never existed before. I AM worth it. I AM worth more. I AM worth the fight and the effort.
I've made changes and worked hard before in my life, toward many a goal, but I am realizing now that it was almost always fueled by some outside source. School was about proving people wrong. About proving to people who doubted me that I could do it. On my own. Without them. It was stubborn pride. The foolish pride of a stupid kid. But that sense of accomplishment was empty. There was no prize won. In fact I never even finished. I couldnt even finish that. And why? Because I always quit when it gets really hard or when it stops getting me attention.
That is hard to even put into words, let alone really wrap my head around. I've done positive things but only to make other people happy. To make people proud of me. But I've never been proud of myself.  I am constantly seeking that validation from other people. But I need to make MYSELF proud. and I'm getting there. I have not lost so much weight yet that people see me and it is jaw dropping. I am excited to get to that point, let me tell you what! But for now I think I am learning the important lessons. I am proving to myself every single time I make a good decision, every single time I drag my butt to the gym when I dont really feel like it, I am proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishing the goals that I have set for myself little by little by little. It is NOT going to happen overnight. It IS going to take long hours of hard work. But I can do this.

I can do this.