Friday, March 5, 2010

My inspiration...

I read a blog post about thinspiration... The blogger posted pictures of the body types she was inspired by.  I was appalled. She posted pictures of women so thin that you could see bones sticking out. I am NOT inspired or motivated by images like this
In face I am a bit repulsed. That is not a strong, capable, healthy body. That is a cry for help. Bones jutting out. No boobs.
So I set out to find images of bodies that inspire and motivate me.
Strong bodies. Healthy bodies.
Real Women. With curves.

These are images of bodies that I can strive for. I don't find bones sexy or attractive. I want to see muscle tone, strength and curves. I think we as women face so much pressure when it comes to our bodies. Men are celebrated for being strong and fit but the images we as women are presented with are images of women far below a healthy BMI. Our culture glorifies women who have been nipped, tucked, injected, implanted and then airbrushed. What is this teaching us? What is this teaching our younger generations??

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Responding to Questions from

You're doing fantastic! How are you dieting? & how did you manage to lose 100lbs so fast? also how long or how often do you work out?
First of all, THANK YOU!!! I can never ever ever hear that enough!
I started out using alli, which you take with all three meals and it simply blocks 25% of the fat you eat. I did this mainly as a learning tool. It taught me that there are consequences to what I put in my mouth. And it worked. I slowly weaned myself off of it and now I only use it every few days if I know I'm being a bit indulgent. (as in lean red meat or pork not as in fried food or something really terrible!)
I stick to 1600-1800 calories on days when I work out and I stay within 1400-1500 calories on days when I dont go to the gym.
My gym routine is admittedly a bit intense. On tuesdays and thursdays I get to gym after work at about 5:30 and do cardio and light strength training until 7 when I have my bootcamp class until 7:45/8:00. Then I try to make it to the gym at least two sometimes three other days and I do 2 - 2.5 hours of cardio/weight training. On top of that I watch most of my tv on the computer and I have my little Golds gym Peddler so I try to peddle any time I am watching tv. On my off from the gym days I try to push myself and do at least 90 minutes of peddling w/out stopping along with some sort of activity that gets me moving. (I recently bought a bike and am excited to start using it!)
I forget how much I am doing now until I write it all down. It's all just part of the routine now. I just try to keep myself moving.
I think the first 100 came off so fast bc I went from literally going from the couch to work to the couch to being VERY active. Before I started this I kid you not, I probably did not walk half a mile in a whole day and I ate a whole lot of crappy food. It was sad. I was sad.

on finally hitting the dreaded plateau... and wanting eat anything that is not nailed down...

So let me just start by saying that I am SO predictable... I hit a wall and I want to eat.
I finally have hit the plateau that I have been bracing myself for. I've lost two pounds this week... Stuck at 118 lost.... Still working, not giving up. To be honest it is kind of a relief. I've blasted through the first 100 pounds without many hiccups and I knew this was coming, at least now I can just get through it. I'm not even really that frustrated with it...
what I am frustrated with, though, is the fact that this week I just want to EAT.
I just want to EAT.
I don't know what it going on in my head. I think I am seeking some sort of comfort or something because it's not like I am hungry all the time, it's my brain. My brain wants to eat and eat and eat. I ate an entire head of lettuce yesterday. WTF?! I just wanted to feel full.
Only a fat or former fat person can understand...
Only a fat or former fat person can understand that. There is some bizzarre comfort that I used to find in feeling completely stuffed. Even when I was so full that my stomach hurt, there was still a strange comfort in that. I wish I could understand where that came from...
I keep thinking about how life will be different when I reach my goal weight... How I will be different. I have always touted about this "big girl" thing. It was who I was. I was a "big girl" and I was damn proud of it. If you didn't like it, screw you. I faked being confident so much for so long that even I started to believe it at times. And I did have moments when I did feel it. Even now I dont find myself completely unattractive. I do not sit around staring in the mirror and hating myself. I just focus on the good stuff. Like from the boobs up! (Thank God I have always had a nice But I keep thinking now who will I be if I am not the "big girl"? Who will I be if I'm not the fat funny friend? There is a safety in being the fat friend. You don't have to worry about ever being in a compromising situation. No one is ever going to force themselves on you. You wont have to fend off unwanted advances. You can watch out for your cuter, thinner, wilder friends when you go out to make sure that they dont do anything stupid. But what happens when I am not insulated/protected from the outside world by this bubble of fat...this safety net of blubber... What happens if someday I am the one who is noticed and dangerous and no longer a "safe" "big girl". What will I be then? It has always defined me. Always. "Remember Kayla? You know she is the big girl with the pretty face." I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that exact description of me. The big girl with the pretty face. Will I have to own up to my mistakes and shortcomings then? Now I have a built-in excuse. If I fail or falter it's not my fault, it's because I am fat. If I dont feel like doing something because I am just plain old lazy, It's not my fault, its cause I'm fat. Well, what happens when I'm not fat? It's all on me. This change is happening already. I am already starting to feel this one shift. I am taking the reins more and more and not letting myself make excuses. Except when it comes to food. I have a million and one excuses as to why I can eat. Why I can bend the rules. When I want something I will find a way to talk myself into it being ok. I guess I just have to go back to basics and remind myself that this is a process. I am completely re-learning how to live life. I am totally changing my habits every single day. I am re-building my relationship with food and that is not going to happen overnight.
I just keep waiting to FEEL different. I know in my head that I have lost 118 pounds and that is a big accomplishment, but I dont FEEL like it yet... I just feel like I am still at the start if this huge journey. Even when I have lost all the weight then I have to shift to maintaning it... and I've heard that is even harder than loosing it! I dunno... I figure I still have about 120 pounds to loose. Maybe after the next 100 I will feel different...I just feel very in-transition right now. I keep throwing clothes away but I am so hesitant to buy new ones because I am in between right now. I am loosing weight faster in my chest, butt and legs than my center, so clothes fit really strange... I just feel like a house currently being remodeled. You know, you live out of one room at a time bc there is stuff being worked on everywhere. I guess the good news is that I am loving the change I made to my hair. That was a big change and I love it. There again I am predictable, when I get bored or restless or frustrated, I change my hair. It livens me up.