Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Bootcamp week two... and a few big revelations.

Holy crapoly... Kevin beat our asses last night in bootcamp class... It was way harder than last week. But I was shocked... My squats and lunges improved a LOT! And today I can definitely feel that I worked hard, but it is not like I am having trouble walking today like i was last week. Last week my thighs felt like they were going to snap. This week they feel stronger. My knees are definitely feeling it... Nothing a hot shower and some icy hot cant cure!
I just keep telling myself that every pound I sweat off is one less pound I have to carry around everyday.

I have made a few rather big revelations this past week. I've been thinking a lot.
I have realized that I have changed. I have. I can feel a difference from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I did not realize how unhappy and lazy and sad I was until I started to change and now I am NOT satisfied with sitting on the couch watching life pass me by anymore. I never will go back to that again. I want to be active. I want to move. I want to enjoy my life. I want to live my life I want to be an active participant in this life. Its the only one I have! I am becoming more and more and more aware of just how much I have changed. At first I really thought that it would just be pounds... weight, diet.... physical changes. But now it has evolved into so much more. The way I look at life has changed. I am seeing things in a whole new light. I am seeking out opportunities to grow, to challenge myself, to be ACTIVE. I enjoy it. I never thought that would be, but it IS. I am looking at the possibility of running (well, lets be honest, probably walking) a 5k. Not for any reason, not for any money or any competition, not to prove anything to anyone other than myself. I want to do it for me. I want to be better for me. I want to push harder for me.
I want MORE.
Its not about food and calories and fat grams and sweat and numbers on a scale anymore. It is WAY more than that. Its about gaining a life that I never thought was possible, Its about standing up and saying that I want more. That I deserve more. And I have found this pride in myself that never existed before. I AM worth it. I AM worth more. I AM worth the fight and the effort.
I've made changes and worked hard before in my life, toward many a goal, but I am realizing now that it was almost always fueled by some outside source. School was about proving people wrong. About proving to people who doubted me that I could do it. On my own. Without them. It was stubborn pride. The foolish pride of a stupid kid. But that sense of accomplishment was empty. There was no prize won. In fact I never even finished. I couldnt even finish that. And why? Because I always quit when it gets really hard or when it stops getting me attention.
That is hard to even put into words, let alone really wrap my head around. I've done positive things but only to make other people happy. To make people proud of me. But I've never been proud of myself.  I am constantly seeking that validation from other people. But I need to make MYSELF proud. and I'm getting there. I have not lost so much weight yet that people see me and it is jaw dropping. I am excited to get to that point, let me tell you what! But for now I think I am learning the important lessons. I am proving to myself every single time I make a good decision, every single time I drag my butt to the gym when I dont really feel like it, I am proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishing the goals that I have set for myself little by little by little. It is NOT going to happen overnight. It IS going to take long hours of hard work. But I can do this.
I can do this.

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