Saturday, July 21, 2012

Oh Happy Day!!!!!

Yesterday was a big day. I have been abstinent for 30 days!!!!!!!!
No cookies. No ice cream. No brownies. No cake. No overeating. No fried food. No french fries. No soda. (And because of that I have also had no caffeine!)
My abstinence is this simple- No sugar. No fried food. No over-eating. No binge eating. 
I have really been trying to have three meals a day and not snack between, but there have been a few times I have missed breakfast. 

I am feeling really good! I feel like I have accomplished something! I dont see a HUGE difference physically yet... I can tell that I am loosing some weight. Clothes feel a little bit looser but nothing major and I am ok with that right now because I FEEL better. I FEEL a major difference.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Can you hear me now? Finding MY Higher Power

After completing my 5th step I felt like a height had been lifted! I felt lighter. But since then...
(The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous
  1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.)
I have been a bit stuck... I am willing to have my defects of character removed.... I am willing to give control over to my Higher Power but I am struggling a lot with FEELING connected to a Higher Power that I believe can do these things. 
For the first time since I began working this program, I hesitated. I was frozen. So I turned to AA and OA speakers for inspiration. Many of them spoke about how they felt such a deep and intense connection with God after they completed their 5th step.... So immediately my negativity kicked in. My inner critic went into overdrive.  Clearly I was doing something wrong. If I didn't feel a connection to the God that I heard those people talk about there must be something wrong with me. 
Of course my old monster kicked in.... " What does it matter anyway? Why are you stressing out so much? Just relax. Just eat those brownies you like so much. No one would know! "

Those old familiar patterns snuck back in SO EASILY.... But this time I listened to that "monster-voice" and let it bring me back to focus. 
So I picked up the Big Book of AA and dove into a Big Book study. The program comes from the Big Book so if I am hearing differing perspectives from speakers and blogs why not go to the source for some clarity. 
And clarity is exactly what I found.
My Higher Power is not out there somewhere in the darkness. Its not something out there in the Universe that I need to somehow make a connection with.
My Higher Power is within me. It's been there all along. My fears and resentments and defects of character have been blocking me from the light within me and blocking me from letting that light shine into the world. I don't have to connect with someone else's Higher Power. I don't need to connect with the God from the Churches of my childhood. I need to connect to the Higher Power/the Light within me. 

A Higher Power gives people direction. This is a concept that I can clearly visualize. 

Good, positive energy, love, kindness, truth and justice are all powers within me that I can visualize as the True North on my compass. The other 359 degrees are my fears, my resentments, my negativity and all of the paths and behaviors that have failed me. 

"Other people's God" is often described as pushing his believers in the right direction. They follow his signs and gentle nudges. I feel like My Higher Power is a set of values that are my true north pulling me in the right direction. I naturally attracted to making the right decisions like a magnet. I just need to stay in touch with that and not allow myself to be blocked by all the CRAP so that I can feel it's pull.

So there I have it. I am entirely ready to have MY Higher Power remove my defects of character and I have humbly asked HP to remove my shortcomings so that I may be able to follow the direction of good, positive energy, love, kindness, truth and justice.