The boot list. (Cause sometimes you need a swift kick to get moving)

When I loose the weight I will...

be healthy and fit


fit in booths at restaurants

be able to ride on a roller coaster

go to the beach and not be too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit or have to wear layers to cover the rolls.

feel sexy
no longer dread trying on clothes

no longer make excuses to avoid activities that would make me uncomfortable because of my size

be completely self-confident and not fake it

fit comfortably in an airplane seat

be able to walk into ANY clothing store and fit in normal size clothes. Goodbye Lane Bryant! No more "plus" "womens" "extended" or "baby elephant" sizes!

wear feminine, daring, fitted clothing instead of frumpy hoodies, t-shirts and jeans all the time

wear dresses

wear sexy heels without wobbling... You can't balance a watermelon on two toothpicks!

look hot in lingerie

have better SEX! =)

have no more excuses for not going after my dreams...

be able to walk up steps without huffing and puffing and getting red in the face

have more stamina

be able to run a mile

feel healthy, strong, and energetic

fit in vehicles more comfortably

fit in seat-belts more comfortably. No more whipering to the airline attendant "can I have an extender please?" while everyone stares at you like you are a zoo animal.

identify as something other than a "big girl"

be an active person, have an active life.

be able to paint my toenails with more ease

have more room in the bath tub... maybe enough room for two?!?

not feel like everyone is staring at me when I'm in public

not feel embarrassed of my size
not feel like a odd or different... or less than someone who is fit

live and enjoy life to the fullest and not feel like I am just existing or faking it
like the reflection in the mirror... the whole refelection. Not just from the shoulders up.

wear sleeveless shirts

wear shorts

wear above-the-knee skirts

be less inhibited... in every area of my life

go on a long bike ride

not have a belly in the way... of everything

be able to cross my legs

be more flexible

not be hot when everyone else is cool

take pictures of my whole self and not just my face

not feel achey when I get out of bed in the morning

not have cankles. You know calf-ankles no seperation between the two.

know what it's like to be thin and fit

enjoy being thin and fit

feel desirable

feel sexy

not have floors creak when I walk on them

fit through turnstiles without turning sideways

have more room in the shower

roller skate

not be embarrassed to go to the doctor's office

not be embarrassed by the number on the scale

have the normal sized blood pressure cuff actually fit my arm

my thighs will NO LONGER rub together when I walk

not be the fattest person everywhere I go

be able to throw away all of my "fat clothes"

go on a shopping spree and get a whole new wardrobe

not have to worry if a blouse is long enough to cover my hips, butt, and stomach

not avoid getting my picture taken because I hate how fat my face and body looks

be judged for who I am, not for how much I weigh

not be perceived as a fat, lazy slob

see my muscles and my real shape... not mounds of fat

be able to feel my bones

not feel inferior because of my weight

not "hide"

not have to pull and stretch my clothes out before I wear them

not have to wear a girdle, waist cincher, spanx, or a corset

not have to walk sideways down the aisle of airplanes

be able to walk through narrow aisles of department stores and specialty shops and not have to turn sideways
fit into seats at any movie or theater

not feel compelled to lie about how much I weigh

fit comfortably in any chair with or without arms

not feel compelled to cover my lap with a blanket or pillow any time I'm sitting on a couch in order to hide my fat stomach

not be embarrassed of my fat calves when wearing capris
not have to wear an extender chain on short necklaces or bracelets

not hate my body and what I have done to it

not be depressed because of my weight

be in control of my life, habits, eating, body... not the other way around

Atonement for my sins... *warning* kinda icky

 Well... I am allowed one cheat day a week to treat myself. On Sunday all I could think about was Arbys curly fries. Thats all I wanted. So it was my cheat day, I went to Arbys. Did I still make good choices? Did I keep it in a reasonable portion? Nope. I ate a LARGE curly fry and a Roast Beef and Cheddar. I wish I could tell you that I did not enjoy it while I ate it, but that would be a lie. It tasted great. Afterwards I felt tired and sluggish. I went to sleep with heartburn and plans to SERIOUSLY workout with my trainer at 8 am but didn't think much of it otherwise.
Well I woke up at 4am feeling less than ok. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. Violently. I'm not talking about a dainty little sick, I'm talking about projectile, wretching, doubled over, exorcist-style VOMIT. It was awful.
I thought ok, too much grease... thats fine. I will just take a shower and drink some water and I will be ok.
Wrong. I threw up again IN THE SHOWER! Thats when I first thought that I was in trouble. I got out of the shower and laid on the couch for a while...well, maybe an hour or so and then ran to the bathroom again...
Ugh. I felt AWFUL. Cold. Clammy. Weak. Green.
But I thought I could push through it enough to get through my workout that morning. The ride to the gym made me question myself. Every bump made my stomach lurch. I made it to the gym and Kevin noticed right away that I was not in good shape. I managed to make it through about ten minutes before I was running for the bathroom. So there I am, in the bathroom at the gym wretching again. But this time there is nothing left in my stomach but grease. I am not kidding you, I was throwing up grease and the water I drank while working out for a whopping ten minutes. Definitely not my proudest moment.
So I dragged my way through the SLOWEST pace I have ever had on the elliptical for another ten minutes and then I just packed it in.
So then I spent my whole off day that I had so been looking forward to running from the couch to the bathroom. super. I took the next day off of work and bootcamp class because I still couldn't really keep anything down.
Yesterday was my first day back to normal. I got in a good solid workout and I am looking forward to class tonight.
I talked to Kevin about what I ate and he said my body was probably just rejecting it. I did a bunch of research online and that seems to be the concensous. After not eating anything fried since November 1st and then gorging on a large deep fried mess... I felt so dumb. But I have GOT to look at the bright side. I think this is solidifying in my head that

I can NEVER go back.

 Even if my head would let me, my body will not. So that is something to think about. Those old habits can creep up on you... When I think about what I used to eat in a day... I can't believe it. All that grease. All that fat. All those preservatives and phosphates and nitrates and fillers in fast food. All the damage I did to my body and never thought twice about it... 100 pounds lost and a LOT of lessons learned, I know that I am changed.

Loves it-- Golds Gym Upper and Lower Body Cycle

So I have been using my fantastic little peddler for about a month now in addition to my gym work and I LOVE IT!! I catch up on a lot of tv shows online bc I dont have DVR or TIVO or whatever, so I end up spending a lot of time at the computer instead of on the couch. This got me thinking, I have seen these under the desk bikes and I wondered if I would like it. Well I found this at walmart for $24 and I am SO glad I gave it a try!

I watch Biggest Loser or The Deep End or Greys Anatomy or Celebrity Fit Club or Ruby and I just Peddle Peddle Peddle. It has helped a lot with strengthening my legs. I have seen a big improvement in my squats and lunges. When I really want to multitask I also grab my 8 pound medicine ball and work my upper body! I'm sure I look like a dork doing it, but it is a nice way to get in a light workout while I catch up on some tv!! I want to try bringing this to work with me and using it under my desk...but I feel like that would be a bit odd... I dunno. I dont really have a close the door/hide away kind of work environment.

Loves it-- Smartfood!

110 Calories, 1 gram of fat and FIVE grams of fiber to keep me feeling full! AND its delicious!?!? Heck yes!!! This is my new favorite snack. SO delightful!

I'm also a big fan of jello sugar free pudding in Boston Creme Pie. That is pretty yummo. Guilt free treats make it worthwhile. Especially when you just need to shut up your taste buds! Everytime I watch the biggest loser and they recommend to the contestents to chew a stick of gum to get rid of sugar cravings I just wanna smack them in the face!!! Chewing a stick of gum isn't going to do anything when I am craving a big bowl of ice cream or a bag of caramel corn or chocolate. I just need to find healthy ways to satisfy those cravings. If I work with them I dont slip up as often... It's when I deny them for too long that I just have a day when I fall off the wagon completely!

A picture is worth a thousand lunges!

So while my mom was here she took a picture of me while I wasn't paying attention and when I was uploading them today I was a bit shocked... 

I can REALLY see a difference now! Sometimes a picture shows you what you just can't grasp in a mirror... 

 

This was 102 pounds and four months ago.... wow....

All I can say is AWESOME! All those squats and lunges in bootcamp class are SOOO worth it. Fantastic.

One goal acheived... Moving on to the next one!!!

I have not seen my mother in 14 months. Being an only child and coming from a single parent household, my mom has always been both mom dad and best friend. My goal for the last few months has been to have lost 100 pounds by the time she got here to visit me Feb. 10-14. After being sick and out of the gym I just didn't think it was going to happen. I had just accepted that I would have to be satisfied with coming close but not quite there... Well, I weighed in on Thursday and I DIT IT. I weighed in at 324 which means I lost 102 pounds!!!!! Oh man did that feel good. I seriously wanted to cry. I did it. Even when I made that goal, I didn't really think it was possible. It gave me something to push towards even if I knew it was out of reach. But I did it. I still can't really wrap my head around it, but I am SO excited to be setting a new goal. The new goal is weighing in at 250/176 pounds lost. I think 250 will be a big hurdle for me. Just being in the 200's is going to be a big deal, truth be told.
The other great thing is that in bootcamp class I am making strides. I am improving in so many little ways. I am starting to get to the point when I can feel in my body when an exercise is being done correctly. I can feel when my form is right. I know that sounds like a silly thing to be excited about but when you have never played sports or been active let alone physically fit, you dont listen to your body. You dont know how things should feel.
On another note I have something that I am VERY excited about! The Walk n Tone by L.A. Gear!

I was very interested in trying out some of these new shoes on the market. Either the Reebok easytone or the Sketchers Shape Ups. I did quite a bit of research online and then tried on both and was really not sure of how I felt... While my mom was here we went by kohls and found these little gems. First off- they are cheaper(Hooray!!) Then I tried them on and LOVED them! The thing I liked about the reeboks is that they made me light on my feet. They have two balls that force you to balance which is that works your muscles and tones you up.

But the LA Gear Walk n fit has three balls that do throw you off balance but they distribute the weight more evenly and they dont allow you to put your weight on the outside edge of your shoe/foot.

I have always walked with my weight on the outside edges. Always. So my hips are never square and I have problems with both my feet and my lower back. Less now that I am 100 pounds lighter, but still uncomfortable. Well, I walked two miles total on Sunday in my new shoes and my stride was VASTLY improved! My hips were squared, I carried myself on the balls and heels of my feet. I cannot really attest to the toning aspect but for the simple fact that my walk is improved I am VERY excited about my new shoes!

Astonished...

Bootcamp last night was brutal as expected. In the middle of it I got really light headed felt a bit like I was going to either pass out or vomit everywhere, thankfully after I took a breather and blew my nose  I did neither of those things! ... when you can only breathe through 25% of your nose it is more difficult. But the work that I have been doing to improve my squats and lunges is showing! Kevin was impressed. That felt good.
Now for the even better news....

I hit 95 pounds lost when I weighed in last night!!!!!

I almost cried I was so happy.  Then, I don't know what possessed me, but I agreed to come in for an extra class at 7am this morning....
I woke up at 5 am and was in the gym by 6:00am. ugh. I drudged through my cardio and by the time I got started with my leg work, I was actually feeling good! Class got started at 7 and I ROCKED it. I felt really really good about the work that I did. I felt strong. Man, that is a good feeling.

So this is me... 95 pounds lighter... wow. 

Seriously, wow. 

I really did not think I was capable of this when I started. But now I know it. I feel it in my bones. I am going to do this. I am going to follow this through. I have changed for good. I am capable of reaching the goals that I set for myself. I can do this. For the first time in a VERY long time I am really proud of myself.

Now if I can just get my subconscious to hold on to this feeling and play this tape over and over instead of the self-doubting tape...