(The Twelve Steps of Overeaters AnonymousI have been a bit stuck... I am willing to have my defects of character removed.... I am willing to give control over to my Higher Power but I am struggling a lot with FEELING connected to a Higher Power that I believe can do these things.
For the first time since I began working this program, I hesitated. I was frozen. So I turned to AA and OA speakers for inspiration. Many of them spoke about how they felt such a deep and intense connection with God after they completed their 5th step.... So immediately my negativity kicked in. My inner critic went into overdrive. Clearly I was doing something wrong. If I didn't feel a connection to the God that I heard those people talk about there must be something wrong with me.
Of course my old monster kicked in.... " What does it matter anyway? Why are you stressing out so much? Just relax. Just eat those brownies you like so much. No one would know! "
Those old familiar patterns snuck back in SO EASILY.... But this time I listened to that "monster-voice" and let it bring me back to focus.
So I picked up the Big Book of AA and dove into a Big Book study. The program comes from the Big Book so if I am hearing differing perspectives from speakers and blogs why not go to the source for some clarity.
And clarity is exactly what I found.
My Higher Power is not out there somewhere in the darkness. Its not something out there in the Universe that I need to somehow make a connection with.
My Higher Power is within me. It's been there all along. My fears and resentments and defects of character have been blocking me from the light within me and blocking me from letting that light shine into the world. I don't have to connect with someone else's Higher Power. I don't need to connect with the God from the Churches of my childhood. I need to connect to the Higher Power/the Light within me.
A Higher Power gives people direction. This is a concept that I can clearly visualize.
Good, positive energy, love, kindness, truth and justice are all powers within me that I can visualize as the True North on my compass. The other 359 degrees are my fears, my resentments, my negativity and all of the paths and behaviors that have failed me.
"Other people's God" is often described as pushing his believers in the right direction. They follow his signs and gentle nudges. I feel like My Higher Power is a set of values that are my true north pulling me in the right direction. I naturally attracted to making the right decisions like a magnet. I just need to stay in touch with that and not allow myself to be blocked by all the CRAP so that I can feel it's pull.
So there I have it. I am entirely ready to have MY Higher Power remove my defects of character and I have humbly asked HP to remove my shortcomings so that I may be able to follow the direction of good, positive energy, love, kindness, truth and justice.