some days...

Some days all the food in the world isn't enough.

Some days housework is just that.

Some days meditation is just silence.

Some days two hours of exercise feels like a drop in the ocean.

Some days feeding your body is just the beginning.

Some days just having all the tools doesn't mean you can build anything.

Today I am home. I could be working on numerous projects. I am on my second cup of tea, but feel like I need a nap. The dogs and I have been for a two mile walk. I have watched an episode of Desperate Housewives while using the stationary bike. I have done dishes.

My house is full of things used to create stuff. Cameras, paint, computers, decoupage glue, recording equipment, microphones, pots, and pans. There are days (like today) when I feel as though they are simply for decoration. I know how to use them. I've done it before. I've created my own little masterpieces. Today they suddenly seem alien to me. I don't know how they work. I have forgotten what they do, or why they do it, rather. We are all wasting space together, waiting for lightning to strike.

Some days all I do is not binge eat.

I spend all day fighting to not fill my gut or stuff myself into silence. So I gather healthy, sensible ingredients. I combine some herbs, frozen steamfresh veggies, shred some leftover lemon pepper chicken breast, organic chopped tomatoes, kashi rice pilaf, corn, lentils, black beans... They all meet in a pot. The pot gets hot. It will stay like this for some time. It will make a soup.  It will be placed next to the stuff in the fridge which is newer than the stuff in the freezer. It seems as though I am always in some transition between stocking up and pairing down.

Some days there are just tomorrows.

Some days there is only hoping that tomorrows are better than todays.

TMI Alert: The small stall...

This post might be TMI for Non-Fatty's, but for those of us who know what its like to be big sized in a small sized world- "fitting in" has a much different meaning.
Public Bathrooms...
They have a whole host of issues surrounding them for both thin and chubby people, but for me they have always been a source of frustration and embarrassment. I always, and I do mean always, use the handicap stall. Always. I need to room.
Here's the TMI part... I haven't been able to use the small stalls in years. I had to turn sideways and suck in my gut to close the door. And then I didn't have enough room to do what I had to do... Like I said, TMI.
Well, yesterday we went to see a movie and I had to use the restroom. I walked in and the Handicap stall was occupied, but I HAD to pee! So I went to the small stall on the end and just walked in and closed the door. No sucking in, no turning sideways. No problems. Then I did my business and got out.
I know its an odd moment to celebrate, but I will take any cause for celebration I can get lately.
I slipped. I stopped journaling my food. I hadn't logged into Livestrong.com in almost a month. I just started slacking and then it got away from me completely. Then not journaling led to forgetting to eat breakfast before work and then last week I got to the gym for my workout and realized that I had not eaten breakfast OR lunch. Reality check time. I have got to get back on schedule. Journaling reminds me to eat. Journaling reminds me to pay attention. I gotta get back in control.
I decided to try something new. I bought some Boost with protein for those mornings when I am just running behind. Some days I just cant get it together. Maybe that will keep me on track.

The workouts are still going well. Still love the gym. But I am craving something more. I watch a lot of the Biggest Loser and I am jealous. My favorite moments on the show are when someone hits a wall during a workout and they think they cannot go any further and Jillian gets in their face and pushes them beyond what they think they are capable of. I want that kind of intensity. I want someone to push me further than I think I can go. I want someone to yell at me. I want someone to get me out of my comfort zone. I love my bootcamp class, don't get me wrong. It kicks my butt and it works me out and it gets the job done, but it doesn't shake me. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. It doesn't push me past my limit. I don't know if I am craving adrenaline or just testing my limits...but I want to shake up my routine.
Has anyone tried kettlebells?

I've been doing some research and I found a place in ATL that has a class...but it's pricey. I am fascinated by the things I have read and heard about kettlebell training. I have heard that it is great for shaking up your body and burning some serious fat. hmm...
I'm also toying with the idea of taking another bikram yoga (hot yoga) class but at a different studio this time. I need more sweating and burning and less chanting and talking. The class I took was a lot of "find your center and look through your third eye". I am not trying to find my third eye, I am trying to find myself under all this fat!!!! lol

I'm not very new age, I'm afraid. All the granola eating, hairy armpitted, all organic, patchouli wearing, vegan yoga instructors at the studio I went to just made me feel COMPLETELY out of place and square. I dont think I am cool enough for yoga... I dont know.
I guess at this point I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any for shaking up my routine. I do a pretty intense 45 minute bootcamp class on tuesdays and thursdays after my one hour workout on my own and then I do a two hour workout on mondays, wednesdays and sometimes fridays. Its a lot, but I have been at it for 5 months now.

A major step in a girls life... My very first little black dress...

I did it. I bought a little black dress!!

I was looking through my closet two weeks ago and had a moment of clarity and grabbed a garbage bag. It was time to start letting go. I am never going to wear a size 32 again. Ever. So I threw my fat clothes away. I threw away the big comfy sweatpants that I bought a few sizes too big so I could hide even more. I threw away the shirt that I thought was so cute at the time that now just hung on me. I threw away the jeans that literaly fell off of me when I put them on. It felt so good to let those things go.
And then I looked at what I was left with.
It was time for some SERIOUS retail therapy.
poor me, right!
I was nervous at first but then I got to thinking. I have always loved stores like Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Ross but I never looked at clothes because they rarely had anything worth looking at in the big big big plus sizes. But now I am just the medium big plus size. hmmm... So I went to Ross while they were having a big sale on all their dresses and I got a little gutsy. I started looking at dresses. Let me preface this with the fact that I have NEVER worn a dress without jeans under it, thus wearing it as a top. In fact I think I have probably owned less than ten dresses in my entire life. I was just never comfortable in them. But I saw them differently this time. I saw options. I saw possibilities. I saw an opportunity to start being the kind of woman I always admired. Someone with style. Someone dressed for something other than comfort!!
Then I found it. My little black dress.

I cannot believe it... I obviously have a bit more work to be done on my midsection, but I don't look half bad. In a dress! A little Black dress!
In another note, I found another before picture... Flipping through a friends facebook I found a few candid pictures of me from last summer...yikes...

Nothing keeps you motivated like seeing a picture and going who is that round girl...oh yeah, thats me...

I have a neck!!!! Holy shit!!!

So this post is going to be short and sweet... I just had to share something....

This was me in October....

Look!!!! Its a neck!!! And only one chin!!!

It's so funny the things I get excited about now....

Also... I have ALWAYS bought my bras from Lane Bryant. I needed extra support and wide bands a wish and a prayer to hold my girls up!! lol I was a  46DD when I started all of this... Well, I threw away all of my bras this week along with two other big trash bags full of clothes. None of my real bras fit. The only thing I wear now are sports bras but I wanted to at least have one real bra that makes me feel like a girl! So I went to Lane Bryant to get fitted because thats what I always have done. Wel GUESS WHAT?!? I am a 38D. HOLY SHIT!!!! So I did not buy a LB bra, I went home and went onto the Victorias secret clearance section and bought a bra wardrobe! I am so excited. Victoria has always been a well kept secret from me...I can now buy bras ANYWHERE! Clearly I am excited today!

FINALLY a breakthrough!

Well, this past month was quite frankly, ridiculous. My knees were throwing this tantrum and I was completely in my head about it. The pounds were creeeeeeping off slowly because to be honest I was cheating a good bit. But I was still working out on my own and pushing through it.

Since my last entry I FINALLY pushed through this wall I kept hitting. I didn't climb over it or dig a hole under it, I BLASTED through it. I worked out REALLY hard and have been really on plan and I have been peddling away every time I am home watching tv on my little bike thingy.
I
feel
amazing

 AND I AM OUT OF THE 300's!!!!

huzzah!!

291

I have lost 135llbs. A HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE POUNDS. I've lost a healthy woman! Not even a skinny bitch. lol
wow
wow
wow
 I went back to bootcamp class today for the first time since my little meltdown. We were outside in the gorgeous 85 degree atlanta sunshine and it just felt GREAT! I had sweat dripping in places I dont even want to think about! lol Lunges and squats were fine. I was nervous at first, but my knees were just fine. Man that felt good.
I even got a little sunburn!
I want to take this feeling and put it into a little bottle so I can revisit this whenever I want to crumble and eat something stupid. I really feel unstoppable. I have actively been avoiding the scale for two weeks. When I weighed in today I had NO IDEA what it would say. I was prepared to have gained weight during my hiatus from class, but my workouts on my own have really picked up intensity. I am getting a focus that I have never had before. I feel like every single rep of every single exercise is one step closer to this other me that I can see in my head. She is one helluva chick, this girl in my head. She is strong, sexy, capable, confident, powerful...a force of nature. I can't wait to be her!!

I'm gettin muscles and stuff!!

I also decided it was time for another change so I went blonde. Its a big change, but I like it. Im naturally a blonde but started dying it black a few years ago. I feel like a part of me hid behind the dark hair and the makeup. Now I feel like I look younger. I look like I did in high school... kind of strange!! But also kind of nice. On an odd but related note, in 17 pounds I will weigh less than I did when I was a freshman in high school. Hows that for a mind boggle. I was 275 as a freshman. Horrifying. I have not been this small in my entire adult life and I feel like from here on out EVERYTHING will be brand new. I am a new person.  Old Kayla is gone FOREVER that much I know for sure.

Can I have new knees please!??!??! or ranting and raving...

Well It has been a long absence I know... and I am sorry. But I, frankly, have been a hot mess.
My knees have been bothering me. A lot. I bought some Glucosamine and have been taking that. Its finally starting to help now, but last week was miserable. Last tuesday I went to bootcamp class and only made it through half before I was so frustrated that I was red faced and tearing up. I was so angry that I couldn't do it. So I went back into the gym and just worked on some upper body and cardio and then went home- defeated. No, let me rephrase that, completely defeated. I felt like a failure. I was terrified that all these years of carrying that much weight had finally gotten to me. I beat myself up something terrible. Then I got an email from Kevin, my bootcamp instructor telling me that I should stay out of class for a week and stay away from squats and lunges and focus on upper body to guive my knees a rest. Then I was really upset.
So I went out Saturday. I had drinks. And more drinks. And more drinks. I made an ass out of myself because I have not had a drink in so long my tolerance was nothing. I was a mess. So then all day Sunday I felt rotten. I had to apologize to my wonderful fiance for the monster than came home. I curled up on the couch and watched season two of Ugly betty reeking of vodka and regret and I ate. I just wanted to eat it all away. I was ridiculously off plan, and I was hungover to boot. Just bad news in general.
But I got up yesterday and got back on plan, dragged my sorry butt back to the gym and I worked. Hard.
There is a silver lining in this whole mess of a week- I have a new gym buddy!! My friends husband came back from bootcamp with the Army Reserves in January and wanted to join a gym to stay in shape so we are working out together and thus far it has been great. He kicked my ass yesterday!! I never thought I would ever look at that like it is a good thing. When I left the gym yesterday my arms were JELLO.
On another note, I had kind of a break down last week... I'm just having a hard time dealing with feelings. I have always been the kind of person who likes to put on a happy face and a song and dance and pretend like everything is fine when behind the mask its a big ole mess. I just dont like to talk about it or show it. My last words will probably be "oh I'm fine!". But the way that I could hold those feelings at bay was by stuffing them down. I just ate them away. I would eat and eat and when I felt really full it was reassuring. I felt like everything was ok. It was controlled. Contained. Buried. Now I am having a hard time when I feel overwhelmed. It helps to work out. I get out some of that frustration. But the other stuff...I just need to start talking. Stop beign so worried that someone will think that I am not completely in control and just talk.
Easier said than done.

A new goal...

I am setting a new goal! But first, Let's start with a bit of backstory shall we?
I have always been fat. Not chubby, not plump, not pudgy. Fat. My entire life. I do not remember EVER being the same size as my peers. Ever. For many fat kids, girls especially, this can lead to a living hell in high school, but I was blessed to go to a high school that had much to offer in the way of extracurriculars and I found my niche with choir and theater. I was also blessed to have met someone at the very begining of my freshman year in high school who would go one to change my self and my life forever. Jordon Hudson. My best friend. We joke that we are non-sexual life partners. When I met him we were kindred spirits in both interests - choir, theater, broadway, specifically the musical RENT as well as in food and body type. He was a fellow fatty. Then he took control of his fatness and in our junior year he was put on prescription meridia and lost the weight. Since then he has kept the weight off and no one can even imigine him being overweight.... while I have gotten bigger and bigger. I have always envied his self control.
He has continued and has been very successful in theater. He is fearless and ridiculously talented. I am sometimes in complete awe of him. I am so proud of him. I on the other hand have not been able to muster the courage to even walk into an audition since high school. I am terrified of rejection, judgement, failure... I really hope I can change that someday...
Moving 3 years ago from Grand Rapids Michigan, a smaller, friendly, yet forward thinking midwestern city to Metro Atlanta with it's sprawling, bustling, congested, sometimes pretentious 5million people, I often find myself feeling a bit lost. But visiting home, and my chosen family of friends always brings me back to myself.
Well, Jordon called me this weekend with some fantastic news. He is cast in a local production of RENT, a show that is near and dear to our hearts and has been such a big part of our lives. The show runs May 6-22. I am booking my plane tickets as soon as I get paid. I have to be there.
SO I am setting a new goal. I WILL be under 250 pounds (hopefully well under.) when I go home.
I know it sounds odd but I really want to make Jordon proud. I want the work I have been doing to be obvious. I want it to be shocking. I have two months to make it happen. I cannot wait to share the new me with my Grand Rapids family. They have never seen me healthy and I can't wait to show them.
I was feeling a bit deflated last week... just not motivated. Kinda blah. But now I have a renewed purpose! I have wind in my sails and I am excited to hit the ground running tonight at the gym. It's time to get to work!! I went to the Farmers market yesterday and spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on groceries! geez... It is so much more expensive eating healthy, fresh and not pre-packaged. I just keep finding reasons why it is no suprise that I was fat! It is so much easier to eat unhealthy.
I had a moment of clarity while at the gym on Friday. I will most likely be a member of a gym for the rest of my life. I will be working out for the rest of my life. It was a thought that just popped into my head. Some people stay at a healthy weight without working out, without really paying much attention to what they eat. But that will not be me. I will always have to think. I will always have to work. I know for a fact that I could very easily slide right back into old habits. I know I could, But I also know that I will never allow myself. Never again. Those pounds are gone forever!