I have a neck!!!! Holy shit!!!

So this post is going to be short and sweet... I just had to share something....

This was me in October....

Look!!!! Its a neck!!! And only one chin!!!

It's so funny the things I get excited about now....

Also... I have ALWAYS bought my bras from Lane Bryant. I needed extra support and wide bands a wish and a prayer to hold my girls up!! lol I was a  46DD when I started all of this... Well, I threw away all of my bras this week along with two other big trash bags full of clothes. None of my real bras fit. The only thing I wear now are sports bras but I wanted to at least have one real bra that makes me feel like a girl! So I went to Lane Bryant to get fitted because thats what I always have done. Wel GUESS WHAT?!? I am a 38D. HOLY SHIT!!!! So I did not buy a LB bra, I went home and went onto the Victorias secret clearance section and bought a bra wardrobe! I am so excited. Victoria has always been a well kept secret from me...I can now buy bras ANYWHERE! Clearly I am excited today!

FINALLY a breakthrough!

Well, this past month was quite frankly, ridiculous. My knees were throwing this tantrum and I was completely in my head about it. The pounds were creeeeeeping off slowly because to be honest I was cheating a good bit. But I was still working out on my own and pushing through it.

Since my last entry I FINALLY pushed through this wall I kept hitting. I didn't climb over it or dig a hole under it, I BLASTED through it. I worked out REALLY hard and have been really on plan and I have been peddling away every time I am home watching tv on my little bike thingy.
I
feel
amazing

 AND I AM OUT OF THE 300's!!!!

huzzah!!

291

I have lost 135llbs. A HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE POUNDS. I've lost a healthy woman! Not even a skinny bitch. lol
wow
wow
wow
 I went back to bootcamp class today for the first time since my little meltdown. We were outside in the gorgeous 85 degree atlanta sunshine and it just felt GREAT! I had sweat dripping in places I dont even want to think about! lol Lunges and squats were fine. I was nervous at first, but my knees were just fine. Man that felt good.
I even got a little sunburn!
I want to take this feeling and put it into a little bottle so I can revisit this whenever I want to crumble and eat something stupid. I really feel unstoppable. I have actively been avoiding the scale for two weeks. When I weighed in today I had NO IDEA what it would say. I was prepared to have gained weight during my hiatus from class, but my workouts on my own have really picked up intensity. I am getting a focus that I have never had before. I feel like every single rep of every single exercise is one step closer to this other me that I can see in my head. She is one helluva chick, this girl in my head. She is strong, sexy, capable, confident, powerful...a force of nature. I can't wait to be her!!

I'm gettin muscles and stuff!!

I also decided it was time for another change so I went blonde. Its a big change, but I like it. Im naturally a blonde but started dying it black a few years ago. I feel like a part of me hid behind the dark hair and the makeup. Now I feel like I look younger. I look like I did in high school... kind of strange!! But also kind of nice. On an odd but related note, in 17 pounds I will weigh less than I did when I was a freshman in high school. Hows that for a mind boggle. I was 275 as a freshman. Horrifying. I have not been this small in my entire adult life and I feel like from here on out EVERYTHING will be brand new. I am a new person.  Old Kayla is gone FOREVER that much I know for sure.

Can I have new knees please!??!??! or ranting and raving...

Well It has been a long absence I know... and I am sorry. But I, frankly, have been a hot mess.
My knees have been bothering me. A lot. I bought some Glucosamine and have been taking that. Its finally starting to help now, but last week was miserable. Last tuesday I went to bootcamp class and only made it through half before I was so frustrated that I was red faced and tearing up. I was so angry that I couldn't do it. So I went back into the gym and just worked on some upper body and cardio and then went home- defeated. No, let me rephrase that, completely defeated. I felt like a failure. I was terrified that all these years of carrying that much weight had finally gotten to me. I beat myself up something terrible. Then I got an email from Kevin, my bootcamp instructor telling me that I should stay out of class for a week and stay away from squats and lunges and focus on upper body to guive my knees a rest. Then I was really upset.
So I went out Saturday. I had drinks. And more drinks. And more drinks. I made an ass out of myself because I have not had a drink in so long my tolerance was nothing. I was a mess. So then all day Sunday I felt rotten. I had to apologize to my wonderful fiance for the monster than came home. I curled up on the couch and watched season two of Ugly betty reeking of vodka and regret and I ate. I just wanted to eat it all away. I was ridiculously off plan, and I was hungover to boot. Just bad news in general.
But I got up yesterday and got back on plan, dragged my sorry butt back to the gym and I worked. Hard.
There is a silver lining in this whole mess of a week- I have a new gym buddy!! My friends husband came back from bootcamp with the Army Reserves in January and wanted to join a gym to stay in shape so we are working out together and thus far it has been great. He kicked my ass yesterday!! I never thought I would ever look at that like it is a good thing. When I left the gym yesterday my arms were JELLO.
On another note, I had kind of a break down last week... I'm just having a hard time dealing with feelings. I have always been the kind of person who likes to put on a happy face and a song and dance and pretend like everything is fine when behind the mask its a big ole mess. I just dont like to talk about it or show it. My last words will probably be "oh I'm fine!". But the way that I could hold those feelings at bay was by stuffing them down. I just ate them away. I would eat and eat and when I felt really full it was reassuring. I felt like everything was ok. It was controlled. Contained. Buried. Now I am having a hard time when I feel overwhelmed. It helps to work out. I get out some of that frustration. But the other stuff...I just need to start talking. Stop beign so worried that someone will think that I am not completely in control and just talk.
Easier said than done.

A new goal...

I am setting a new goal! But first, Let's start with a bit of backstory shall we?
I have always been fat. Not chubby, not plump, not pudgy. Fat. My entire life. I do not remember EVER being the same size as my peers. Ever. For many fat kids, girls especially, this can lead to a living hell in high school, but I was blessed to go to a high school that had much to offer in the way of extracurriculars and I found my niche with choir and theater. I was also blessed to have met someone at the very begining of my freshman year in high school who would go one to change my self and my life forever. Jordon Hudson. My best friend. We joke that we are non-sexual life partners. When I met him we were kindred spirits in both interests - choir, theater, broadway, specifically the musical RENT as well as in food and body type. He was a fellow fatty. Then he took control of his fatness and in our junior year he was put on prescription meridia and lost the weight. Since then he has kept the weight off and no one can even imigine him being overweight.... while I have gotten bigger and bigger. I have always envied his self control.
He has continued and has been very successful in theater. He is fearless and ridiculously talented. I am sometimes in complete awe of him. I am so proud of him. I on the other hand have not been able to muster the courage to even walk into an audition since high school. I am terrified of rejection, judgement, failure... I really hope I can change that someday...
Moving 3 years ago from Grand Rapids Michigan, a smaller, friendly, yet forward thinking midwestern city to Metro Atlanta with it's sprawling, bustling, congested, sometimes pretentious 5million people, I often find myself feeling a bit lost. But visiting home, and my chosen family of friends always brings me back to myself.
Well, Jordon called me this weekend with some fantastic news. He is cast in a local production of RENT, a show that is near and dear to our hearts and has been such a big part of our lives. The show runs May 6-22. I am booking my plane tickets as soon as I get paid. I have to be there.
SO I am setting a new goal. I WILL be under 250 pounds (hopefully well under.) when I go home.
I know it sounds odd but I really want to make Jordon proud. I want the work I have been doing to be obvious. I want it to be shocking. I have two months to make it happen. I cannot wait to share the new me with my Grand Rapids family. They have never seen me healthy and I can't wait to show them.
I was feeling a bit deflated last week... just not motivated. Kinda blah. But now I have a renewed purpose! I have wind in my sails and I am excited to hit the ground running tonight at the gym. It's time to get to work!! I went to the Farmers market yesterday and spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on groceries! geez... It is so much more expensive eating healthy, fresh and not pre-packaged. I just keep finding reasons why it is no suprise that I was fat! It is so much easier to eat unhealthy.
I had a moment of clarity while at the gym on Friday. I will most likely be a member of a gym for the rest of my life. I will be working out for the rest of my life. It was a thought that just popped into my head. Some people stay at a healthy weight without working out, without really paying much attention to what they eat. But that will not be me. I will always have to think. I will always have to work. I know for a fact that I could very easily slide right back into old habits. I know I could, But I also know that I will never allow myself. Never again. Those pounds are gone forever!

My inspiration...

I read a blog post about thinspiration... The blogger posted pictures of the body types she was inspired by.  I was appalled. She posted pictures of women so thin that you could see bones sticking out. I am NOT inspired or motivated by images like this

In face I am a bit repulsed. That is not a strong, capable, healthy body. That is a cry for help. Bones jutting out. No boobs.
So I set out to find images of bodies that inspire and motivate me.
Strong bodies. Healthy bodies.

 

Real Women. With curves.

These are images of bodies that I can strive for. I don't find bones sexy or attractive. I want to see muscle tone, strength and curves. I think we as women face so much pressure when it comes to our bodies. Men are celebrated for being strong and fit but the images we as women are presented with are images of women far below a healthy BMI. Our culture glorifies women who have been nipped, tucked, injected, implanted and then airbrushed. What is this teaching us? What is this teaching our younger generations??

Responding to Questions from Formspring.me

You're doing fantastic! How are you dieting? & how did you manage to lose 100lbs so fast? also how long or how often do you work out?

First of all, THANK YOU!!! I can never ever ever hear that enough!
I started out using alli, which you take with all three meals and it simply blocks 25% of the fat you eat. I did this mainly as a learning tool. It taught me that there are consequences to what I put in my mouth. And it worked. I slowly weaned myself off of it and now I only use it every few days if I know I'm being a bit indulgent. (as in lean red meat or pork not as in fried food or something really terrible!)
I stick to 1600-1800 calories on days when I work out and I stay within 1400-1500 calories on days when I dont go to the gym.
My gym routine is admittedly a bit intense. On tuesdays and thursdays I get to gym after work at about 5:30 and do cardio and light strength training until 7 when I have my bootcamp class until 7:45/8:00. Then I try to make it to the gym at least two sometimes three other days and I do 2 - 2.5 hours of cardio/weight training. On top of that I watch most of my tv on the computer and I have my little Golds gym Peddler so I try to peddle any time I am watching tv. On my off from the gym days I try to push myself and do at least 90 minutes of peddling w/out stopping along with some sort of activity that gets me moving. (I recently bought a bike and am excited to start using it!)
I forget how much I am doing now until I write it all down. It's all just part of the routine now. I just try to keep myself moving.
I think the first 100 came off so fast bc I went from literally going from the couch to work to the couch to being VERY active. Before I started this I kid you not, I probably did not walk half a mile in a whole day and I ate a whole lot of crappy food. It was sad. I was sad.

Ask me anything

on finally hitting the dreaded plateau... and wanting eat anything that is not nailed down...

So let me just start by saying that I am SO predictable... I hit a wall and I want to eat.
I finally have hit the plateau that I have been bracing myself for. I've lost two pounds this week... Stuck at 118 lost.... Still working, not giving up. To be honest it is kind of a relief. I've blasted through the first 100 pounds without many hiccups and I knew this was coming, at least now I can just get through it. I'm not even really that frustrated with it...
what I am frustrated with, though, is the fact that this week I just want to EAT.

I just want to EAT.

I don't know what it going on in my head. I think I am seeking some sort of comfort or something because it's not like I am hungry all the time, it's my brain. My brain wants to eat and eat and eat. I ate an entire head of lettuce yesterday. WTF?! I just wanted to feel full.

Only a fat or former fat person can understand...

Only a fat or former fat person can understand that. There is some bizzarre comfort that I used to find in feeling completely stuffed. Even when I was so full that my stomach hurt, there was still a strange comfort in that. I wish I could understand where that came from...
I keep thinking about how life will be different when I reach my goal weight... How I will be different. I have always touted about this "big girl" thing. It was who I was. I was a "big girl" and I was damn proud of it. If you didn't like it, screw you. I faked being confident so much for so long that even I started to believe it at times. And I did have moments when I did feel it. Even now I dont find myself completely unattractive. I do not sit around staring in the mirror and hating myself. I just focus on the good stuff. Like from the boobs up! (Thank God I have always had a nice rack...lol) But I keep thinking now who will I be if I am not the "big girl"? Who will I be if I'm not the fat funny friend? There is a safety in being the fat friend. You don't have to worry about ever being in a compromising situation. No one is ever going to force themselves on you. You wont have to fend off unwanted advances. You can watch out for your cuter, thinner, wilder friends when you go out to make sure that they dont do anything stupid. But what happens when I am not insulated/protected from the outside world by this bubble of fat...this safety net of blubber... What happens if someday I am the one who is noticed and dangerous and no longer a "safe" "big girl". What will I be then? It has always defined me. Always. "Remember Kayla? You know she is the big girl with the pretty face." I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that exact description of me. The big girl with the pretty face. Will I have to own up to my mistakes and shortcomings then? Now I have a built-in excuse. If I fail or falter it's not my fault, it's because I am fat. If I dont feel like doing something because I am just plain old lazy, It's not my fault, its cause I'm fat. Well, what happens when I'm not fat? It's all on me. This change is happening already. I am already starting to feel this one shift. I am taking the reins more and more and not letting myself make excuses. Except when it comes to food. I have a million and one excuses as to why I can eat. Why I can bend the rules. When I want something I will find a way to talk myself into it being ok. I guess I just have to go back to basics and remind myself that this is a process. I am completely re-learning how to live life. I am totally changing my habits every single day. I am re-building my relationship with food and that is not going to happen overnight.
I just keep waiting to FEEL different. I know in my head that I have lost 118 pounds and that is a big accomplishment, but I dont FEEL like it yet... I just feel like I am still at the start if this huge journey. Even when I have lost all the weight then I have to shift to maintaning it... and I've heard that is even harder than loosing it! I dunno... I figure I still have about 120 pounds to loose. Maybe after the next 100 I will feel different...I just feel very in-transition right now. I keep throwing clothes away but I am so hesitant to buy new ones because I am in between right now. I am loosing weight faster in my chest, butt and legs than my center, so clothes fit really strange... I just feel like a house currently being remodeled. You know, you live out of one room at a time bc there is stuff being worked on everywhere. I guess the good news is that I am loving the change I made to my hair. That was a big change and I love it. There again I am predictable, when I get bored or restless or frustrated, I change my hair. It livens me up.