Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My name is Kayla and I have a problem...

So I went to my first OA meeting on Sunday 6/17. Kaiha came with me... Thank goodness!
It was terrifying. Those women talked about their experiences and it was like they were looking inside my head. The Sunday morning meeting is focused on spirituality so a lot of what was discussed was based on God. Someone talked about how she hated God when she came to the program but has developed a relationship with him now. That's a tough thing for me. I don't hate God. I dont know him well enough to hate him. He has just been a foreign concept for me. 
So at the end of the meeting they give out chips. They ask if anyone would like to take their first chip and stop overeating. I did it. I took a silver chip.
After the meeting Kaiha and I talked to two older women about OA and recovery and addiction for about an hour and a half. I can't explain it, but hearing their stories... Listening to them talk about their struggles... I feel like someone shined a HUGE spotlight into a dark corner of me. I always thought that I was the only person who felt like I do about food. I always felt that no one could ever understand the obsessive, crazy thoughts and habits I have about food. But they do. Hell, some of what they shared was worse than what I have done!
So I left the meeting and came home feeling completely RAW. I felt like someone had peeled off all of my skin.
Jessica and I talked about the meeting. I looked through the newcomer packet they gave me at the meeting.
Then we ordered pizza. I ate my small sensible veggie pizza and Jessica ate some of hers. Then she wandered off to work on something or other and I finished her pizza. And cheesesticks. And what was left of her cinnamon sticks.
Then I spent the next two days binging. I ate and ate and ate. I would occasionally glance at the newcomer packet still sitting on the coffee table, but I didn't actually pick anything up but the food I was stuffing down.
But then last night something happened. One of the women from the meeting called me. We talked for about 15 minutes. She was very sweet. Just wanted to say hi and wanted to know how I was doing. I lied and said I was doing well, but after talking to her I just wanted to stop lying. I wanted to stop saying I was fine when I wasn't.
So I had a sensible dinner last night. With no dessert. And I started looking online at OA resources and blogs. This morning I had one serving of plain oatmeal. I am going to do something different. I used an excersize I found to identify my trigger foods. The foods that make me loose control and start binging and those will be the foods I will abstain from completely. They are refined sugars and fried foods.
Day One.
I can do this.

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