I have gained all of the weight I lost and then some. I have numbed myself with food over and over again and I have settled into a really heavy depression. In my adult life I cannot think of a time that I have been this unhappy... but I got to a point that I just accepted that this was my life. I was just fat. That's all. But I am a rock star at work and I have a partner who loves me. So that's enough. And that excuses the fact that I am not healthy...and getting unhealthier by the day.
My partner Jessica's best friend- Kiaha came back into her life and my life as well after being in and out. She struggled with Alcohol but was getting help. We talked for hours many nights with her about how her life became unmanageable and how she went to AA and found that she was powerless. She talked about working through resentments and letting go of her failures and shortcomings. We have watched her completely change her life over the last 7 months.
Tonight we went to hear her speak to a large group and tell her story. It was the first time I had been to an AA meeting and as I don't have a problem with alcohol I was not anticipating feeling anything personal... but I was wrong. Kiaha talked about life before AA... She talked about telling herself and other people that she didn't have a problem while she was drinking everyday. She talked about the feelings of hopelessness and desperation. I was so proud of her for sharing her story...but more than that it shook me to my core. It scared the crap out of me. A lot of what I heard tonight shook me.
We left and I broke down in the car. I was crying and talking to Jessica about how a lot of what I heard struck a cord with me. I was so embarrassed...Shame is a very big part of what has gotten me to this point... I have been sneaking food in the middle of the night for as long as I can remember. I eat when no one is around and hide the evidence. I eat when I am sad I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am bored. I eat when I am feeling something and I don't want to feel. I eat to fill a void. I eat to hide. But what has that gotten me?
So... Now it's 7am and I have been up all night reading. I downloaded the Kindle version of Overeaters Anonymous and the twelve step program. I'm thinking about going to a meeting... I am really scared.