I am trying to learn to enjoy and really feel those moments of being uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone lately... It's been tough. Without sugar and binging I have no tools to deal with feeling overwhelmed or out of control or sad of angry.... hell, even happiness is tough to handle without my trusty crutch! What continues to baffle me is that I had NO IDEA how little I really felt things before. As soon as a feeling started to bubble up I stuffed it down. And now I am learning how to feel things. How to be patient and still. How to listen to my body and notice where feelings manifest within me. More than anything I am learning that if I am patient and mindful, any negative feeling will pass.
Yesterday I had a little meltdown. I had a stupid bicker/bitch match with my partner. Nothing outrageous. We are two stubborn, strong minded women, a little bickering is just part of life! But when we were bickering I got so upset because I was completely overwhelmed with fear. I was terrified that if the fight escalated I would have no way to deal with those feelings and I would slip up and binge or turn to sugar. I couldn't even focus on her anymore because I was so scared.
I know that there is no perfect way to do this deal. I know that life is going to happen on life's terms. I know these things in my head... but I have not yet made the tools of the steps and the Big Book a part of my life. I know that now. That was a tough lesson to learn. Because I have heard speakers talk about how trans-formative the 12 steps are because they give you tools for life that we used to look for in our addiction. I am not using the tools everyday. I feel like I am free-falling. But I am working towards it.
I am struggling with the biggest tool which is reaching out. My first instinct is not to pick up a phone and reach out to my fellows when I am stressed. I am so accustomed to internalizing all of that. But this is what I need to really work on.
SO- I am making a new commitment to this blog. Maybe turning here will be a start to reaching out. Many of you have been so wonderful to me. You have been a lifeline of encouragement and support and I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated you. So this new journey is quite different... but I am giving it my all, because I truly know that this time my life depends on it.