Wednesday, June 22, 2011

New motivation and a hard reality check... Starting over at the beginning again.

It has been quite a while, dear friends. If anyone is still out there, thank you for reading and being supportive! I have missed you all very much!
Well, I wish I had all good news, but.... I think we all know where this is going...
I decided to make a strategical move in August and move FAR into the suburbs with two of my (what I thought were) good friends. I figured I would have roomates, save some money and in a year be in a much better situation.
I was wrong. What I got was a nightmare! It has been hell. Emotional terrorism. I literally live in my bedroom. I sleep here, watch tv here, eat here and rarely leave.
I am also stranded too far from the city to be accessible to much of anything. Including the gym that had become my comfort zone for a year. I thought that I would find a gym here in the burbs but I didn't. I thought that I would not loose control but I did.
I let the stress and the tension and the negativity of a bad situation become an excuse to revert to my old ways of dealing with problems. I just stuffed my feelings further and further down. Stuffing myself full of fast food and junk food until I felt sick.

Then I had a change at work. In November I started a two month working interview for a job that was a major career game-changer. It was incredibly intense and stressful and long insane hours but I got it! And since then I work at least one if not two 16 hour days a week. Sitting in a chair. Not moving. Then I come home and eat and lay in bed and dont move. Then on the weekends I just lounge about watching tv or going to the movies and dont really move. I have become almost entirely sedentary. And completely depressed.
Needless to say I have gained almost all of the weight back.
Here I am a few weeks ago. A friend snapped a picture on her phone and sent it to me. I was mortified at the sight of myself. After all of that work. After all of that positive change... I just let it all slip away. For what? Ice cream? Fast food? Big Macs and Onion rings and fried chicken??
Was it really worth it? No.
So here I am.... In all my rounded face and double chin glory.

sigh

The more weight I gained the more I avoided. I avoided anyone who had been supportive of my weight loss or who I had told a lot about my journey. I avoided this blog completely. Every time I got a new comment it was a reminder of my shame and my guilt. And guess what?? It became another reason to stuff my face.
I have been avoiding my family. I have been avoiding my friends.
My best friend is getting married in November and I have been avoiding him because I am completely horrified even thinking about going to his wedding looking the way that I do.
The hard part about having been so vocal about my journey is that it is very difficult to loose all control and gain the weight back and not have people question you. Anytime someone would ask me how I was doing or how the weight loss was going I would just cringe and avoid the topic. Change the subject or just say that I was "working on it".

Last night I went out to dinner with some friends. We are chatting and eating and having a drink and they mentioned that they were going to join a gym together and be workout buddies. Before I knew what I was saying I said that I wanted to join them and we all agreed to work out together today.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I felt sick. Would I even be able to get through it? How embarrassing was this going to be?
Going to the gym for the first time in well over 6 months.
I had visions of myself just passing out on the eliptical.
But I went.
I just did cardio and we were in and out in an hour, but now I feel fantastic.
Jessica and I went out to dinner. She wanted to go to a buffet.  I went and I made good choices. A big salad with salsa and fat free ranch, green beans, roasted chicken and a baked potato. But I did have a roll with lots of butter. Still much better choices than I was making.
So Here I Am. Back at the beginning. I feel I may have a much more realistic grasp on just how serious my problem is.
I think I really do have a food addiction. I think that the way some addicts need drugs to numb the pain and deal with the stress. I think I use food in that way. But I cannot quit cold turkey.
But I wish I could. I wish I could just flip a magical switch and all the choices would be made for me. I would not have to obsess and count calories or points or measure portion sizes or look at nutrition labels.
But I have to. And that is all part of the journey this time. Being realistic. I have to make it a part of my life but not an all-consuming obsession.
I am buying a membership to the gym tomorrow.
Today is the first step of a LONG and difficult journey. But this time I have to do the hard work. This time I have to work on not just the outside but the inside too.
If only I had chosen drugs instead of food... 90 days of rehab sounds a hell of a lot easier! Intervention me, please!

42 comments:

  1. Hey! Glad to have you back, I too am restarting my journey. I've veered way off course. I think I also have an addiction to food, & in my case have been flip flopping the idea of going to the local Overeaters Anoyn meetings.. I still haven't committed to a yes or a no on that one. Either way, I'm glad to have you back, You are beautiful!! & Maybe going off course was just a part of your journey you needed to make in order to realize some things about yourself and who you are and how to make the journey stick this time through! Everything happens for a reason, try not to beat yourself up and put that energy into just working hard.

    Good luck darlin'!

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  2. Thank you so much!
    I am starting to come around to the idea that maybe this was a necessary evil.... How I lost the weight before was not the most realistic way of doing it. Normal people don't work out 6 days a week for 4 hours a day. That kind of effort could not sustained forever. So now I have to find a way to make it realistic and make it a part of my life FOREVER.
    Thank you for the support and the warm welcome back.

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  3. Congrats to being back! I am a new reading and I followed your blog in hopes that you would start writing again!!! And you are!!! I have gone back and forth between 207 down to 180 in the past couple years.....I always wind up back at the top! The important thing is that you realized you wanted to change again and have come back to your blog! I have learned I have so much support here and when I have a really bad day or I just want to eat everything I read others blogs and know I am not the only one in this situation!!! Don't look at the past and just look towards the future!! You can do this!! I hope you continue to blog! I will become a regular reader!!

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  4. Hi Kayla! welcome back to the blog world! I really missed your blog, and I am so glad that you are starting up again. Remember, as long as you try, you haven't given up. It's okay to walk down this path again (it sucks to be sure) but keep your chin up, your head high. be proud of who you are, not just what the number on the scale says. If you could get a job after a 2 month interview process, you can lose weight!

    If you are stuck in your bedroom all by yourself, I'm sure you can find some time to blog (hint hint)

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  5. I found your blog a couple of months ago, and I guess this is the first post I've seen. I'm glad you're hopping back on the train.

    You know that this weight loss thing is possible, because you've done it before. Don't be afraid of the hard work, embrace it. Don't be afraid of your awesomeness. Own it.

    And don't let your stupid roommates (if you still have them) control your life.

    I hope to read more from you!

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  6. I too am jumping back in after taking off for a while. I actually deleted my old blog and completely started over. I wish you the best of luck on your new path. We can do this! We just need to push ourselves...not too hard though, don't want to pull or break anything ;)

    I'll definitely be following.

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  7. I'm glad you're back, i had just started following you before you hiatus. I've re-started my journey too. i think as long as we can pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and go on again, we're doing great. we just have to keep at it. good luck!

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  8. Completely understand everything you are saying about using food as a comfort, a treat and a distraction from emotional turbulence. And i am sorry you have felt like this. But the good news is, you are back! I can't tell you how happy i am to see you back. I know how hard it must have been to post this and admit that things haven't been going to plan, but damn, i am proud of you for getting back on the horse. I really missed your posts and often wondered what you were up to.

    Here cheering you on!!!

    xx
    lesley

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  9. You are exactly where you need to be RIGHT NOW to make this change possible and permanent.

    You're right, exercising 4 hours a day is unrealistic. I personally think it's much easier to cut calories out of my diet (and I'm not the only one). I'm part of a weight loss community with really wonderful, supportive women if you're interested in joining. www.venusindex.com.... Call me or email me and we can talk more about it. Love you!

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  10. Welcome back! I don't remember how I found your blog, but I did! And I am glad that I am following. I know it is a long and terrible journey, but you can do it!! Sounds like you have plenty of help and support here too!

    I am in a very odd boat when it comes to this sort of thing. I am a recovering anorexic who happens to have gained 70 lbs or so while pregnant..and now I am struggling to lose weight the healthy way..without falling back into old habits. On top of it, I think I may have a love hate relationship with food. It's all a twirling vortex of crap. But it's nice to read from other people that have similiar issues.

    Good luck on your journey!

    ~ A

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  11. Anyone reading this knows that every person on this earth has struggles and successes and relapses...two steps forward, one step back. We all need help--we all need each other! So, you go, girl!

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  12. Glad to see you are back. I also took off for awhile and was away from the blogging world where I had lost 20 lbs and gained it back. Now here I am again, trying to start over! So I know how you feel. WE CAN DO IT!!Your hair looks great blond!!!!! By the way.

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  13. OMG!!!!! After ALL of the blogs I've been reading where everyone is doing great, I finally found one where there is not only the blogger, but some comments on gaining the weight back. I did the EXACT thing after losing 125 pounds, I made a move to another country (Indonesia) and put back on 100 of them. Like Kayla I'm back at the beginning and this time I'm also blogging about it.

    Hang in there we can do it!

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  14. Hellooo welcome back

    I know how hard it must be for you, i went back to weightwatchers meetings on Tuesday, i chickened out and went to a new meeting, but same leader. It was hard but i am glad i have done it.

    You have given me motivation to go back to the gym though. I used to love it, then i stopped going and hated it after that. But i know if i get myself back to it, ill be able to love it again. Tomorrow morning I am going to the gym.

    So thank you and good luck

    xxx

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  15. Welcome back!!! I have also been reassessing my own weight loss journey, after my 3-week fast food binge. But you know what? You have done it already before. And yes, the road will be difficult, but you can do it! And you have all of our support. Just keep moving and keep posting. The rest will fall into place.

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  16. Good luck on your new journey! We can do it!

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  17. You are doing an awesome job. You're taking it one day at a time and that's good! just remember all those steps add up and pretty soon you'll be done before you even know it! If you need support, we--your followers are here for you. I know how it is, it seems like everytime i try and get healthy i do it for about 2 weeks and then i quit. I'm taking it one day at a time as well, and you know what? i'm on my 4th week this week. I'm proud of myself because i stuck through it. I know you can too.

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  18. Absolutely fantastic!
    Keep it up!
    All of us are always here to support you.

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  19. This past week started blogging again, last blogged 2009!!! I too fell off the wagon and am now hoping to have my head back in the game for success. I look forward to reading your future posts, maybe we can inspire each other.
    Wish you much perseverance and patience. I say bring it on!!! Food addicts unite!

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  20. I feel like I can relate to so much of what you just said. I ate to numb the pain, stuff those feelings down, etc. etc. etc. I lost 50lbs, worked my ass off for every one of those pounds lost, but I wasn't dealing with what was going on inside and gained it all back plus 25. While sometimes I still struggle, I will say that getting myself counseling was one of the best things I could do for myself and my journey. That's not to say it's easy because it's not. So yup, here I am again starting over, at an even higher weight than I was before, and having to lose the weight once is HARD, having to lose it once is even harder because now you are struggling with the thought of "oh my gosh, I gotta lose all that AGAIN, why did I let myself gain all that weight back". BUT....let the fact that you know you can do it give you strength. Do it in a manner that you know you can stick with. Don't deny yourself the things you love, just find a way to make them healthier so you can still enjoy them! You are strong. You CAN do it. You WILL do it! One step at a time, one meal at a time, one day at a time!!! I believe in you!! Do you believe in yourself?

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  21. hello there!! I to was doing good then went down hill. :/ I followed someone to you and I am so happy I did! I have gained back all I lost and am heavier now then I was. Blah vicious cycle.

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  22. Hey girl :) Hang in there! Don't look at one misstep as an invitation to think you failed. Take note of it and just keep going!

    Ok, I just found these blogs a few weeks ago. and I am hooked. I recommend them from the bottom of my heart...

    I've been eating Primal since about January (technically March full time).. and aside from weight loss, there is a marked improvement in my depression struggles and feeling ...well, feeling GOOD.

    http://paleoparents.com/
    The parents on paleo parents lost a combined 200+ pounds.

    and http://www.beingprimal.com
    dean is my new "health/life coach".. I can't get enough of the guy. the man truly guides me to change what I think I know about dieting.

    anyway, check out those pages. I haven't been following you very long.. a few days actually. So, I don't know you very well, maybe these other blogs can help you achieve just what you need.

    ~Jill

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  23. Congratulations on starting up again! I am just starting out, so we can do it together! :) I look forward to reading your blog.

    www.hopefulbandster.blogspot.com

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  24. Hope you are doing well! Thinking of you!

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  25. What helps me sometimes is to just force myself to blog. Talk out all the bad feelings going through my head. Even just putting those feelings into words, letting my fingers type them, makes me feel better. And puts it all on the table so I'm better able to handle it. The farther you get into avoidance the harder it is to get out it.

    Writing this post is a huge step. You have a community to help you deal with this. We are all rooting for you.

    http://foxygazelle.blogspot.com

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  26. Keep blogging!!! I just found your link through Carbie Girl.

    I'm doing this weightloss challenge with 29 other bloggers. I'm the heaviest one in the challenge, beginning at a whopping 368. It's hard to be motivated sometimes by someone at 230lbs trying to get down to 180 or whatever. But I identify with you. We carry our weight similarly.

    You can do this! You can make healthy decisions. You don't have to be stuck in a rut. YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF AND INSPIRE OTHERS!!! Keep going!

    No gym? go on a walk. No support at home. We're here for you.

    You are a beautiful woman deserving of love (from self and others).

    Super sincerely, Nanette

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  27. Sorry you are having to start over. I'm just finding you, so I will be reading about your journey for the first time. I've not lost and regained, but rather I've blogged about losing weight for a couple of years whilst not quite doing it yet. And I can TOTALLY RELATE to your feelings on using food to numb feelings. I'm right there with ya- Cat

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  28. Hope you are still trying. How are you doing?

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  29. How are things?? This was a brave and honest post. That's super important -- getting honest with oneself! (p.s. You look really good with that dark hair and bangs!)

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  30. My darling Kayla... when or when will you realize that you are truly beautiful?? I ADORE YOU! In order to truly find HEALTH we must be happy within ourselves first... believe me. Do you still have my #? I have a new one and a new FB page... I'll find you and friend you. I am here for you... I love you my dear friend.

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