Astonished...

Bootcamp last night was brutal as expected. In the middle of it I got really light headed felt a bit like I was going to either pass out or vomit everywhere, thankfully after I took a breather and blew my nose  I did neither of those things! ... when you can only breathe through 25% of your nose it is more difficult. But the work that I have been doing to improve my squats and lunges is showing! Kevin was impressed. That felt good.
Now for the even better news....

I hit 95 pounds lost when I weighed in last night!!!!!

I almost cried I was so happy.  Then, I don't know what possessed me, but I agreed to come in for an extra class at 7am this morning....
I woke up at 5 am and was in the gym by 6:00am. ugh. I drudged through my cardio and by the time I got started with my leg work, I was actually feeling good! Class got started at 7 and I ROCKED it. I felt really really good about the work that I did. I felt strong. Man, that is a good feeling.

So this is me... 95 pounds lighter... wow. 

Seriously, wow. 

I really did not think I was capable of this when I started. But now I know it. I feel it in my bones. I am going to do this. I am going to follow this through. I have changed for good. I am capable of reaching the goals that I set for myself. I can do this. For the first time in a VERY long time I am really proud of myself.

Now if I can just get my subconscious to hold on to this feeling and play this tape over and over instead of the self-doubting tape...

formspring.me

If you could go only to one restaurant for the next five years, which would it be?

I think would have to say subway... Lately Subway has been a Godsend. I know its safe. I can get something that I know hasn't been doused in oil, that I know is fresh and its easy to make the right choice. Its easy to just say no thanks to the cheese and mayo.
But I also really love this mexican restaurant by my house. They have a chicken soup that is fantastic! Its broth and chicken and black beans and avocado. Very yummy.. Very fresh. Very low fat.

Ask me anything

Pushing through...

Well I met my first big road block and frankly, I let it knock me down.
I was sick. Legitimately sick. So I took a few days off work and what did I do? I stayed out of the gym completely for a whole week and I layed on the couch feeling sorry for myself and I ate. I ate whatever I wanted. I slipped up. a lot. I knew I was off plan. I knew I was not doing what I needed to do, but I let myself use being sick as an excuse.
sigh
I went back to the gym Friday night and it was a tough one. I missed bootcamp class all week and all I had been doing was sleeping. I weighed myself.... I gained weight. *damnit* Three pounds. I DRAGGED myself through my workout. it was really hard. I left the gym, drenched in sweat feeling both accomplished that I went back but also really dissapointed that I let myself down. While I was working out I gave myself an extra ten minutes of cardio and an extra 15 reps of the lunges I hate and in my head, without even realizing it, I was telling myself that it was to punish me for my bad behavior. How odd. Its like there is this voice in the back of my head that is so hurtful...so mean! That voice never praises, never celebrates victory. It only tallies the failures and the disappointments so that they can be repeated back over and over again to remind myself of my shortcomings. Why is it that it is so important to me to be kind and thoughtful to other people, but never to myself? This is something I am going to focus on this month. I putting a hit out on the Negative Nancy in the back of my head. I think I have heard just about enough from her.
So now it is back to Livestrong.com for food and excersize journaling. Back to the gym tonight for bootcamp with Kevin... I am sure I will be wanting to cry by the end of it tonight!! Back to my whey protein/flaxseed/frozen strawberries/light soymilk smoothie for breakfast and kashi black beans, rice and chicken for lunch. I am excited though... I know I feel so much better when I do the right thing. I felt like crap last week. Eating crappy food and being sick and everything else. I think that is the best lesson I have learned so far is that I feel so much better when I make the right choices and when I do what is right for me.

75 down.... and the first big hurdle...

I have officially hit 75 pounds. 350. That feels huge.
But, I was having some trouble really wrapping my head around it the other day. 75 pounds sounds like so much in my head, it seems like I should look so different, but when I look in the mirror I still look like me. I am still wearing the same clothes. Obviously I can feel the difference in those clothes...everything hangs on me now. All of my pants look very saggy and baggy. So I decided I needed to do a little experiment. Almost all of my shirts are stretchy. When I was at my largest I ALWAYS washed all of my clothes in cold so that they would stay stretched out. Before I put on any shirt I would always stretch it out. Everything had ripped seams at the bottom from stretching it. I dont think I have ever worn a t-shirt in my adult life that was not stretched to the max first. (sidebar: I cannot wait for the day that I can just pick up a shirt and put it on with no stretching....) Well, I have one shirt that I bought to go on an interview about a year and a half ago. It is a wrap-around shirt with NO stretch. It buttons on both sides and then ties together on the sides. When I tried to wear it to that interview there was NO way that it was going to button, so I just tied it together in the middle because it was too tight when I tried to tie it on the side. Well, I put that shirt on and I buttoned both buttons with ease and tied it tightly on the side and looked in the mirror...astounded. So then I was feeling brave and went to the back corner of my closet and pulled out a pair of jeans I have never worn. They were given to me for christmas two years ago. They are adorable size 28 Old Navy flare leg jeans. The problem was that my legs were too big to fit. I had to order the wide leg trouser jeans bc of my thighs and calves. And also, these jeans are a tall which is always a bit more snug in the waist. So there they have sat in the back of my closet for two years. I pulled them out and looked at them and mustered my bravery. I pulled them over my legs with NO PROBLEM! Then I pulled them up and zipped them with ease. No sucking it in, no laying on the bed, no holding my breath. wow. That felt GOOD. I was pouring myself into tight wide leg 32's just four months ago.
So I took some pictures! Dont mind the bad quality...  and my bad hair day... and no makeup... lol!

 

So then I was at work on Sunday and someone made a comment about how baggy my sweatshirt has gotten. I am always running in and outside all day so I wear a lot of hooded sweatshirts. They are comfortable and they keep me warm. And lets be honest, they hide my shape. I shrugged it off and just said that yes, my sweatshirts are getting a bit baggy and didnt think too much of it. Later on I was in the bathroom upstairs that has a huge mirror and I really looked at myself. It felt good to notice. So again, I took some pictures!

So it feels good to remind myself that I am making progress!!

On another note, my fantastic fiance, Jessica is sick. She has felt like crap for a week and when I woke up yesterday I just groaned. I felt like I had been hit my a truck. I was sluggish and tired all day. I was hoping that the gym and bootcamp class would help. WRONG. I had my arms wrapped around the elliptical holding on and dragging myself through 40 minutes of cardio. Then bootcamp class was really rough. I just had no steam! I was pushing so hard and was so frustrated I had a moment when I really thought I was going to cry. It was terrible. But at the end of class Kevin told me not to beat myself up- that my lunges are getting better. I am bending both knees and getting deeper into them and my core work was much better this week. That felt good. Then I came home and curled up on the couch. This morning, again I feel wretched. I could happily go back to sleep for another 12 hours... Its gonna be a long day. But the old me would have blown off class last night bc I had an excuse. I was sick, jeez. But I didn't I stuck it out and put in good work. That feels good. But I did make a decision, I am going to take tonight off of the gym and go One day this weekend instead. I think I just need to sleep this off so I can go into class Thursday more focused and not want to cry!

One step at a time...

Core day is HELL! ...but I did it!

I accomplished something last night that I have been SO nervous about... I walked on the treadmill last night for the first time in my life without holding on!!! AND I stuck it out for 30 minutes! I just keep finding myself doing things that I never believed I could do! I've always been afraid of the treadmill... I am not the most coordinated person in the world... But I am getting better and better!

Then it was core day in bootcamp. ahh. Core day is hell. I was SOAKED with sweat when I got home and was completely exhausted. But I am feeling so good!! Kevin, the trainer, told me that core day would be hell for me... my core is surrounded by a semi truck tire thick layer of fat (my words not his!) so it would be 300% harder for me. He told me that he would not blame me at all for bailing and just putting in an extra hour of cardio. I'm not gonna lie, I thought about it. But I did not bail. I did not quit. I had to modify a lot of excersizes so I could do them without really hurting my lower back, but damnit, I got through it. After class Kevin pulled me aside and congratulated me. I felt SO GOOD. I did it. It was SO hard and I was sweating and panting and I'm sure it was not a pretty sight, but I did it. That feels really good, doing something that I should not be able to do...that I would NEVER have been able to do 3 months ago! Its so surprising to me to find that I am happier, more motivated by the changes in strength and ability and fitness than I am by pounds! I get SO proud of myself when I can get through an extra set at a higher weight. I was SO pumped when I finished on the treadmill yesterday. I'm just gonna keep focusing on those small victories.

In other news, I heard today from another person who read my blog that I am inspiring them to get moving. That is such a fantastic feeling!! I felt so alone in this at the begining and hearing that the blog is reaching people is so great. I know that it is going to keep me motivated and inspired when I just dont feel like it, because I know I am not in this alone anymore.

Its funny, I keep thinking that its no wonder I got fat- Its SO EASY to find someone to go out to eat or drink with but it is SO HARD to find someone to work out or be healthy and active with!!

How I got started...

Someone (a very fabulous someone I might add! Miss Monica, you know who you are!) asked me last night how I got started. It was the hardest decision to finaly make...but once it was made, every step after that seemed a little tiny bit easier than the one before. I started changing my diet/lifestyle by taking Alli.
What is Alli?
Alli is the reduced-strength version of orlistat, a prescription drug to treat obesity. It's approved by the FDA for over-the-counter sale to overweight adults 18 years and older. Alli is meant to be used in conjunction with a low-calorie, low-fat diet and regular exercise.
How does it work?
Alli promotes weight loss by decreasing the absorption of fat by the intestines, which reduces the number of calories you absorb. Alli is taken with fat-containing meals, up to three times a day. Because of how Alli works, it's recommended that you eat no more than 15 grams of fat with each meal. Eating higher amounts of fat can cause unwanted side effects, such as urgent bowel movements, diarrhea and gas with oily spotting.

I did not take Alli because of any grand promises. I did not take Alli to do the work for me. I needed to learn that there are consequences for my bad decisions. That's how I got this big- by not realizing that there are consequences for the food that I shoveled into my mouth or the hours I spent on the couch. I started with the Alli and with Livestrong.com website and iphone app so that I could track my calories and fat gram intake as well as the calories burned through exercise. Let me just say- I LOVE livestrong.com! That is such a fantastic way to keep track of how you are doing!
I starting making bigger changes slowly at first... I cut back to diet soda for a week, and then began to slowly cut it out completely. Once I got through the tension/caffiene/sugar addiction headaches I felt so much better! So then I cut out coffee and starbucks as well. I will occasionally let myself have a diet lemonade and sometimes I sneak in a crystal light packet or two, last week on my cheat day I had a diet coke, but for the most part I drink water. At least two of the big 1.5L bottles of smartwater a day. That has been the biggest change. Kicking the soda habit was HARD but completely worth it.
I downloaded a few workout videos and did Carmen Elektra's Stripper Aerobics. It got me moving. It didn't do much more than that, but it got me moving! I would not exactly recommend these videos. When I was officially a month in, I joined a gym. I was SO SCARED to walk through those doors... So scared of being the big girl in the gym. But I knew that if I were paying for a gym membership it would force me to be focused and be accountable. And that is exactly what it did. And more importantly- it taught me that I can push myself!
As far as diet, I started by simply looking at fat grams. I just focused on that until I could get my bearings and wrap my head around everything else. I just focused on the Alli reccomendation of 30-45 grams of fat per day. With lower fat, there are generally lower calories, so that naturally lowered my calorie intake. Now I am able to focus on the bigger picture and have calorie, fat, sodium, protein and fiber goals for each day. (Especially fiber! Thats an important one if you wanna feel fuller!!)

Bootcamp week two... and a few big revelations.

Holy crapoly... Kevin beat our asses last night in bootcamp class... It was way harder than last week. But I was shocked... My squats and lunges improved a LOT! And today I can definitely feel that I worked hard, but it is not like I am having trouble walking today like i was last week. Last week my thighs felt like they were going to snap. This week they feel stronger. My knees are definitely feeling it... Nothing a hot shower and some icy hot cant cure!

I just keep telling myself that every pound I sweat off is one less pound I have to carry around everyday.

I have made a few rather big revelations this past week. I've been thinking a lot.
I have realized that I have changed. I have. I can feel a difference from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I did not realize how unhappy and lazy and sad I was until I started to change and now I am NOT satisfied with sitting on the couch watching life pass me by anymore. I never will go back to that again. I want to be active. I want to move. I want to enjoy my life. I want to live my life I want to be an active participant in this life. Its the only one I have! I am becoming more and more and more aware of just how much I have changed. At first I really thought that it would just be pounds... weight, diet.... physical changes. But now it has evolved into so much more. The way I look at life has changed. I am seeing things in a whole new light. I am seeking out opportunities to grow, to challenge myself, to be ACTIVE. I enjoy it. I never thought that would be, but it IS. I am looking at the possibility of running (well, lets be honest, probably walking) a 5k. Not for any reason, not for any money or any competition, not to prove anything to anyone other than myself. I want to do it for me. I want to be better for me. I want to push harder for me.

I want MORE.

Its not about food and calories and fat grams and sweat and numbers on a scale anymore. It is WAY more than that. Its about gaining a life that I never thought was possible, Its about standing up and saying that I want more. That I deserve more. And I have found this pride in myself that never existed before. I AM worth it. I AM worth more. I AM worth the fight and the effort.
I've made changes and worked hard before in my life, toward many a goal, but I am realizing now that it was almost always fueled by some outside source. School was about proving people wrong. About proving to people who doubted me that I could do it. On my own. Without them. It was stubborn pride. The foolish pride of a stupid kid. But that sense of accomplishment was empty. There was no prize won. In fact I never even finished. I couldnt even finish that. And why? Because I always quit when it gets really hard or when it stops getting me attention.
That is hard to even put into words, let alone really wrap my head around. I've done positive things but only to make other people happy. To make people proud of me. But I've never been proud of myself.  I am constantly seeking that validation from other people. But I need to make MYSELF proud. and I'm getting there. I have not lost so much weight yet that people see me and it is jaw dropping. I am excited to get to that point, let me tell you what! But for now I think I am learning the important lessons. I am proving to myself every single time I make a good decision, every single time I drag my butt to the gym when I dont really feel like it, I am proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishing the goals that I have set for myself little by little by little. It is NOT going to happen overnight. It IS going to take long hours of hard work. But I can do this.

I can do this.