75 down.... and the first big hurdle...

I have officially hit 75 pounds. 350. That feels huge.
But, I was having some trouble really wrapping my head around it the other day. 75 pounds sounds like so much in my head, it seems like I should look so different, but when I look in the mirror I still look like me. I am still wearing the same clothes. Obviously I can feel the difference in those clothes...everything hangs on me now. All of my pants look very saggy and baggy. So I decided I needed to do a little experiment. Almost all of my shirts are stretchy. When I was at my largest I ALWAYS washed all of my clothes in cold so that they would stay stretched out. Before I put on any shirt I would always stretch it out. Everything had ripped seams at the bottom from stretching it. I dont think I have ever worn a t-shirt in my adult life that was not stretched to the max first. (sidebar: I cannot wait for the day that I can just pick up a shirt and put it on with no stretching....) Well, I have one shirt that I bought to go on an interview about a year and a half ago. It is a wrap-around shirt with NO stretch. It buttons on both sides and then ties together on the sides. When I tried to wear it to that interview there was NO way that it was going to button, so I just tied it together in the middle because it was too tight when I tried to tie it on the side. Well, I put that shirt on and I buttoned both buttons with ease and tied it tightly on the side and looked in the mirror...astounded. So then I was feeling brave and went to the back corner of my closet and pulled out a pair of jeans I have never worn. They were given to me for christmas two years ago. They are adorable size 28 Old Navy flare leg jeans. The problem was that my legs were too big to fit. I had to order the wide leg trouser jeans bc of my thighs and calves. And also, these jeans are a tall which is always a bit more snug in the waist. So there they have sat in the back of my closet for two years. I pulled them out and looked at them and mustered my bravery. I pulled them over my legs with NO PROBLEM! Then I pulled them up and zipped them with ease. No sucking it in, no laying on the bed, no holding my breath. wow. That felt GOOD. I was pouring myself into tight wide leg 32's just four months ago.
So I took some pictures! Dont mind the bad quality...  and my bad hair day... and no makeup... lol!

 

So then I was at work on Sunday and someone made a comment about how baggy my sweatshirt has gotten. I am always running in and outside all day so I wear a lot of hooded sweatshirts. They are comfortable and they keep me warm. And lets be honest, they hide my shape. I shrugged it off and just said that yes, my sweatshirts are getting a bit baggy and didnt think too much of it. Later on I was in the bathroom upstairs that has a huge mirror and I really looked at myself. It felt good to notice. So again, I took some pictures!

So it feels good to remind myself that I am making progress!!

On another note, my fantastic fiance, Jessica is sick. She has felt like crap for a week and when I woke up yesterday I just groaned. I felt like I had been hit my a truck. I was sluggish and tired all day. I was hoping that the gym and bootcamp class would help. WRONG. I had my arms wrapped around the elliptical holding on and dragging myself through 40 minutes of cardio. Then bootcamp class was really rough. I just had no steam! I was pushing so hard and was so frustrated I had a moment when I really thought I was going to cry. It was terrible. But at the end of class Kevin told me not to beat myself up- that my lunges are getting better. I am bending both knees and getting deeper into them and my core work was much better this week. That felt good. Then I came home and curled up on the couch. This morning, again I feel wretched. I could happily go back to sleep for another 12 hours... Its gonna be a long day. But the old me would have blown off class last night bc I had an excuse. I was sick, jeez. But I didn't I stuck it out and put in good work. That feels good. But I did make a decision, I am going to take tonight off of the gym and go One day this weekend instead. I think I just need to sleep this off so I can go into class Thursday more focused and not want to cry!

One step at a time...

Core day is HELL! ...but I did it!

I accomplished something last night that I have been SO nervous about... I walked on the treadmill last night for the first time in my life without holding on!!! AND I stuck it out for 30 minutes! I just keep finding myself doing things that I never believed I could do! I've always been afraid of the treadmill... I am not the most coordinated person in the world... But I am getting better and better!

Then it was core day in bootcamp. ahh. Core day is hell. I was SOAKED with sweat when I got home and was completely exhausted. But I am feeling so good!! Kevin, the trainer, told me that core day would be hell for me... my core is surrounded by a semi truck tire thick layer of fat (my words not his!) so it would be 300% harder for me. He told me that he would not blame me at all for bailing and just putting in an extra hour of cardio. I'm not gonna lie, I thought about it. But I did not bail. I did not quit. I had to modify a lot of excersizes so I could do them without really hurting my lower back, but damnit, I got through it. After class Kevin pulled me aside and congratulated me. I felt SO GOOD. I did it. It was SO hard and I was sweating and panting and I'm sure it was not a pretty sight, but I did it. That feels really good, doing something that I should not be able to do...that I would NEVER have been able to do 3 months ago! Its so surprising to me to find that I am happier, more motivated by the changes in strength and ability and fitness than I am by pounds! I get SO proud of myself when I can get through an extra set at a higher weight. I was SO pumped when I finished on the treadmill yesterday. I'm just gonna keep focusing on those small victories.

In other news, I heard today from another person who read my blog that I am inspiring them to get moving. That is such a fantastic feeling!! I felt so alone in this at the begining and hearing that the blog is reaching people is so great. I know that it is going to keep me motivated and inspired when I just dont feel like it, because I know I am not in this alone anymore.

Its funny, I keep thinking that its no wonder I got fat- Its SO EASY to find someone to go out to eat or drink with but it is SO HARD to find someone to work out or be healthy and active with!!

How I got started...

Someone (a very fabulous someone I might add! Miss Monica, you know who you are!) asked me last night how I got started. It was the hardest decision to finaly make...but once it was made, every step after that seemed a little tiny bit easier than the one before. I started changing my diet/lifestyle by taking Alli.
What is Alli?
Alli is the reduced-strength version of orlistat, a prescription drug to treat obesity. It's approved by the FDA for over-the-counter sale to overweight adults 18 years and older. Alli is meant to be used in conjunction with a low-calorie, low-fat diet and regular exercise.
How does it work?
Alli promotes weight loss by decreasing the absorption of fat by the intestines, which reduces the number of calories you absorb. Alli is taken with fat-containing meals, up to three times a day. Because of how Alli works, it's recommended that you eat no more than 15 grams of fat with each meal. Eating higher amounts of fat can cause unwanted side effects, such as urgent bowel movements, diarrhea and gas with oily spotting.

I did not take Alli because of any grand promises. I did not take Alli to do the work for me. I needed to learn that there are consequences for my bad decisions. That's how I got this big- by not realizing that there are consequences for the food that I shoveled into my mouth or the hours I spent on the couch. I started with the Alli and with Livestrong.com website and iphone app so that I could track my calories and fat gram intake as well as the calories burned through exercise. Let me just say- I LOVE livestrong.com! That is such a fantastic way to keep track of how you are doing!
I starting making bigger changes slowly at first... I cut back to diet soda for a week, and then began to slowly cut it out completely. Once I got through the tension/caffiene/sugar addiction headaches I felt so much better! So then I cut out coffee and starbucks as well. I will occasionally let myself have a diet lemonade and sometimes I sneak in a crystal light packet or two, last week on my cheat day I had a diet coke, but for the most part I drink water. At least two of the big 1.5L bottles of smartwater a day. That has been the biggest change. Kicking the soda habit was HARD but completely worth it.
I downloaded a few workout videos and did Carmen Elektra's Stripper Aerobics. It got me moving. It didn't do much more than that, but it got me moving! I would not exactly recommend these videos. When I was officially a month in, I joined a gym. I was SO SCARED to walk through those doors... So scared of being the big girl in the gym. But I knew that if I were paying for a gym membership it would force me to be focused and be accountable. And that is exactly what it did. And more importantly- it taught me that I can push myself!
As far as diet, I started by simply looking at fat grams. I just focused on that until I could get my bearings and wrap my head around everything else. I just focused on the Alli reccomendation of 30-45 grams of fat per day. With lower fat, there are generally lower calories, so that naturally lowered my calorie intake. Now I am able to focus on the bigger picture and have calorie, fat, sodium, protein and fiber goals for each day. (Especially fiber! Thats an important one if you wanna feel fuller!!)

Bootcamp week two... and a few big revelations.

Holy crapoly... Kevin beat our asses last night in bootcamp class... It was way harder than last week. But I was shocked... My squats and lunges improved a LOT! And today I can definitely feel that I worked hard, but it is not like I am having trouble walking today like i was last week. Last week my thighs felt like they were going to snap. This week they feel stronger. My knees are definitely feeling it... Nothing a hot shower and some icy hot cant cure!

I just keep telling myself that every pound I sweat off is one less pound I have to carry around everyday.

I have made a few rather big revelations this past week. I've been thinking a lot.
I have realized that I have changed. I have. I can feel a difference from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep. I did not realize how unhappy and lazy and sad I was until I started to change and now I am NOT satisfied with sitting on the couch watching life pass me by anymore. I never will go back to that again. I want to be active. I want to move. I want to enjoy my life. I want to live my life I want to be an active participant in this life. Its the only one I have! I am becoming more and more and more aware of just how much I have changed. At first I really thought that it would just be pounds... weight, diet.... physical changes. But now it has evolved into so much more. The way I look at life has changed. I am seeing things in a whole new light. I am seeking out opportunities to grow, to challenge myself, to be ACTIVE. I enjoy it. I never thought that would be, but it IS. I am looking at the possibility of running (well, lets be honest, probably walking) a 5k. Not for any reason, not for any money or any competition, not to prove anything to anyone other than myself. I want to do it for me. I want to be better for me. I want to push harder for me.

I want MORE.

Its not about food and calories and fat grams and sweat and numbers on a scale anymore. It is WAY more than that. Its about gaining a life that I never thought was possible, Its about standing up and saying that I want more. That I deserve more. And I have found this pride in myself that never existed before. I AM worth it. I AM worth more. I AM worth the fight and the effort.
I've made changes and worked hard before in my life, toward many a goal, but I am realizing now that it was almost always fueled by some outside source. School was about proving people wrong. About proving to people who doubted me that I could do it. On my own. Without them. It was stubborn pride. The foolish pride of a stupid kid. But that sense of accomplishment was empty. There was no prize won. In fact I never even finished. I couldnt even finish that. And why? Because I always quit when it gets really hard or when it stops getting me attention.
That is hard to even put into words, let alone really wrap my head around. I've done positive things but only to make other people happy. To make people proud of me. But I've never been proud of myself.  I am constantly seeking that validation from other people. But I need to make MYSELF proud. and I'm getting there. I have not lost so much weight yet that people see me and it is jaw dropping. I am excited to get to that point, let me tell you what! But for now I think I am learning the important lessons. I am proving to myself every single time I make a good decision, every single time I drag my butt to the gym when I dont really feel like it, I am proving to myself that I am capable of accomplishing the goals that I have set for myself little by little by little. It is NOT going to happen overnight. It IS going to take long hours of hard work. But I can do this.

I can do this.

Starting to feel it!

So I got out of the shower this morning and I looked at myself - 65 pounds lighter - and I thought, "yes." I felt like I was looking at a slightly different person. Not completely different. Not transformed. Still me. But happier. lighter on my feet. I feel like there is a fit person inside of me and I am slowly uncovering her.

Bootcamp?!?!?!

Well I met with the Personal Trainer at the gym today. I just checked in to have him let me know how my form is and how I'm progressing now that it has been a month. He let me know that ab work at this point is not worth the time. Core- yes, but ab machines- not yet. He also let me know that I need to be alternating muscle groups to give them a day to recover. (I know that seems obvious, but I'm still new to this.) He also told me something that I was shocked to hear... I'm impressive! I have been putting in a LOT of HARD work. We talked about diet and calories and a meal plan and then he really shocked me... He told me that he teaches a bootcamp class on Tuesday and Thursday nights for 45 mins. He said he thought it would be really good for me. I was just shocked that he thought I could handle it.
So I took on a whole new level of challenge. I did my first bootcamp class tonight! I wanted to die. Not gonna lie. My thighs still hurt. A lot. We did 320 lunges by the end of the class among other things. and I still put in 40 mins on the elliptical before class! It pushed me. That is for sure. But I did it. And I kept up with the 5 other women in the class (The heaviest of which was maybe 175) I am SO proud of myself. I am SO TIRED and SWEATY! lol
Lets see how I feel in 6 weeks....

A moment of clarity... and motivation...

So it is the day after Christmas and I am so excited! I am walking through Wal-mart, delighting in their piles upon piles of post Christmas let-down sale items. Mom is coming to stay with me in February and we are celebrating Christmas then so I am just now going into full decorate for Christmas mode. And I'm not paying full price! Cha-ching! I'm so clever!
I have been eating well and have lost 30 pounds! huzzah! So proud of myself. I am starting to feel a big difference. The Gym is helping a lot. I feel stronger. I know I have a long way to go, but I feel as though I am starting to set a pace. Starting to feel comfortable with the changes I am making.
Anyway, while I was parousing sale items, some man walked past me, stopped and turned around. He handed me his business card and said, "I just thought I would give you this. Call me when you are ready."
I was very confused as he walked away and then I looked at the card...
He was a surgeon at a medical weight loss clinic.

Are you kidding me??

I am going to do this. Myself. The healthy way. No pills or fads or diets or magical cure alls. I am going to do this with HARD work and dedication and discipline. Something I never really thought that I had.
Its important to me to feel like I can do this. and I am more and more sure of that feeling every single time I walk through the doors of the gym.
 I refuse to believe that the only way to change my life is by being cut open! I am NOT that hopeless or helpless. I cannot believe how many medical professionals just toss gastric bypass and lapbands ou there like it will change your life. NO IT WONT! It will change your stomach. Only you can change your life. People eat the weight back on after surgery ALL THE TIME. And it is scary what that does to your body.