Well It has been a long absence I know... and I am sorry. But I, frankly, have been a hot mess.
My knees have been bothering me. A lot. I bought some Glucosamine and have been taking that. Its finally starting to help now, but last week was miserable. Last tuesday I went to bootcamp class and only made it through half before I was so frustrated that I was red faced and tearing up. I was so angry that I couldn't do it. So I went back into the gym and just worked on some upper body and cardio and then went home- defeated. No, let me rephrase that, completely defeated. I felt like a failure. I was terrified that all these years of carrying that much weight had finally gotten to me. I beat myself up something terrible. Then I got an email from Kevin, my bootcamp instructor telling me that I should stay out of class for a week and stay away from squats and lunges and focus on upper body to guive my knees a rest. Then I was really upset.
So I went out Saturday. I had drinks. And more drinks. And more drinks. I made an ass out of myself because I have not had a drink in so long my tolerance was nothing. I was a mess. So then all day Sunday I felt rotten. I had to apologize to my wonderful fiance for the monster than came home. I curled up on the couch and watched season two of Ugly betty reeking of vodka and regret and I ate. I just wanted to eat it all away. I was ridiculously off plan, and I was hungover to boot. Just bad news in general.
But I got up yesterday and got back on plan, dragged my sorry butt back to the gym and I worked. Hard.
There is a silver lining in this whole mess of a week- I have a new gym buddy!! My friends husband came back from bootcamp with the Army Reserves in January and wanted to join a gym to stay in shape so we are working out together and thus far it has been great. He kicked my ass yesterday!! I never thought I would ever look at that like it is a good thing. When I left the gym yesterday my arms were JELLO.
On another note, I had kind of a break down last week... I'm just having a hard time dealing with feelings. I have always been the kind of person who likes to put on a happy face and a song and dance and pretend like everything is fine when behind the mask its a big ole mess. I just dont like to talk about it or show it. My last words will probably be "oh I'm fine!". But the way that I could hold those feelings at bay was by stuffing them down. I just ate them away. I would eat and eat and when I felt really full it was reassuring. I felt like everything was ok. It was controlled. Contained. Buried. Now I am having a hard time when I feel overwhelmed. It helps to work out. I get out some of that frustration. But the other stuff...I just need to start talking. Stop beign so worried that someone will think that I am not completely in control and just talk.
Easier said than done.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A new goal...
I am setting a new goal! But first, Let's start with a bit of backstory shall we?
I have always been fat. Not chubby, not plump, not pudgy. Fat. My entire life. I do not remember EVER being the same size as my peers. Ever. For many fat kids, girls especially, this can lead to a living hell in high school, but I was blessed to go to a high school that had much to offer in the way of extracurriculars and I found my niche with choir and theater. I was also blessed to have met someone at the very begining of my freshman year in high school who would go one to change my self and my life forever. Jordon Hudson. My best friend. We joke that we are non-sexual life partners. When I met him we were kindred spirits in both interests - choir, theater, broadway, specifically the musical RENT as well as in food and body type. He was a fellow fatty. Then he took control of his fatness and in our junior year he was put on prescription meridia and lost the weight. Since then he has kept the weight off and no one can even imigine him being overweight.... while I have gotten bigger and bigger. I have always envied his self control.
He has continued and has been very successful in theater. He is fearless and ridiculously talented. I am sometimes in complete awe of him. I am so proud of him. I on the other hand have not been able to muster the courage to even walk into an audition since high school. I am terrified of rejection, judgement, failure... I really hope I can change that someday...
Moving 3 years ago from Grand Rapids Michigan, a smaller, friendly, yet forward thinking midwestern city to Metro Atlanta with it's sprawling, bustling, congested, sometimes pretentious 5million people, I often find myself feeling a bit lost. But visiting home, and my chosen family of friends always brings me back to myself.
Well, Jordon called me this weekend with some fantastic news. He is cast in a local production of RENT, a show that is near and dear to our hearts and has been such a big part of our lives. The show runs May 6-22. I am booking my plane tickets as soon as I get paid. I have to be there.
SO I am setting a new goal. I WILL be under 250 pounds (hopefully well under.) when I go home.
I know it sounds odd but I really want to make Jordon proud. I want the work I have been doing to be obvious. I want it to be shocking. I have two months to make it happen. I cannot wait to share the new me with my Grand Rapids family. They have never seen me healthy and I can't wait to show them.
I was feeling a bit deflated last week... just not motivated. Kinda blah. But now I have a renewed purpose! I have wind in my sails and I am excited to hit the ground running tonight at the gym. It's time to get to work!! I went to the Farmers market yesterday and spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on groceries! geez... It is so much more expensive eating healthy, fresh and not pre-packaged. I just keep finding reasons why it is no suprise that I was fat! It is so much easier to eat unhealthy.
I had a moment of clarity while at the gym on Friday. I will most likely be a member of a gym for the rest of my life. I will be working out for the rest of my life. It was a thought that just popped into my head. Some people stay at a healthy weight without working out, without really paying much attention to what they eat. But that will not be me. I will always have to think. I will always have to work. I know for a fact that I could very easily slide right back into old habits. I know I could, But I also know that I will never allow myself. Never again. Those pounds are gone forever!
I have always been fat. Not chubby, not plump, not pudgy. Fat. My entire life. I do not remember EVER being the same size as my peers. Ever. For many fat kids, girls especially, this can lead to a living hell in high school, but I was blessed to go to a high school that had much to offer in the way of extracurriculars and I found my niche with choir and theater. I was also blessed to have met someone at the very begining of my freshman year in high school who would go one to change my self and my life forever. Jordon Hudson. My best friend. We joke that we are non-sexual life partners. When I met him we were kindred spirits in both interests - choir, theater, broadway, specifically the musical RENT as well as in food and body type. He was a fellow fatty. Then he took control of his fatness and in our junior year he was put on prescription meridia and lost the weight. Since then he has kept the weight off and no one can even imigine him being overweight.... while I have gotten bigger and bigger. I have always envied his self control.
He has continued and has been very successful in theater. He is fearless and ridiculously talented. I am sometimes in complete awe of him. I am so proud of him. I on the other hand have not been able to muster the courage to even walk into an audition since high school. I am terrified of rejection, judgement, failure... I really hope I can change that someday...
Moving 3 years ago from Grand Rapids Michigan, a smaller, friendly, yet forward thinking midwestern city to Metro Atlanta with it's sprawling, bustling, congested, sometimes pretentious 5million people, I often find myself feeling a bit lost. But visiting home, and my chosen family of friends always brings me back to myself.
Well, Jordon called me this weekend with some fantastic news. He is cast in a local production of RENT, a show that is near and dear to our hearts and has been such a big part of our lives. The show runs May 6-22. I am booking my plane tickets as soon as I get paid. I have to be there.
SO I am setting a new goal. I WILL be under 250 pounds (hopefully well under.) when I go home.
I know it sounds odd but I really want to make Jordon proud. I want the work I have been doing to be obvious. I want it to be shocking. I have two months to make it happen. I cannot wait to share the new me with my Grand Rapids family. They have never seen me healthy and I can't wait to show them.
I was feeling a bit deflated last week... just not motivated. Kinda blah. But now I have a renewed purpose! I have wind in my sails and I am excited to hit the ground running tonight at the gym. It's time to get to work!! I went to the Farmers market yesterday and spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on groceries! geez... It is so much more expensive eating healthy, fresh and not pre-packaged. I just keep finding reasons why it is no suprise that I was fat! It is so much easier to eat unhealthy.
I had a moment of clarity while at the gym on Friday. I will most likely be a member of a gym for the rest of my life. I will be working out for the rest of my life. It was a thought that just popped into my head. Some people stay at a healthy weight without working out, without really paying much attention to what they eat. But that will not be me. I will always have to think. I will always have to work. I know for a fact that I could very easily slide right back into old habits. I know I could, But I also know that I will never allow myself. Never again. Those pounds are gone forever!
Friday, March 5, 2010
My inspiration...
I read a blog post about thinspiration... The blogger posted pictures of the body types she was inspired by. I was appalled. She posted pictures of women so thin that you could see bones sticking out. I am NOT inspired or motivated by images like this
In face I am a bit repulsed. That is not a strong, capable, healthy body. That is a cry for help. Bones jutting out. No boobs.
So I set out to find images of bodies that inspire and motivate me.
Strong bodies. Healthy bodies.
These are images of bodies that I can strive for. I don't find bones sexy or attractive. I want to see muscle tone, strength and curves. I think we as women face so much pressure when it comes to our bodies. Men are celebrated for being strong and fit but the images we as women are presented with are images of women far below a healthy BMI. Our culture glorifies women who have been nipped, tucked, injected, implanted and then airbrushed. What is this teaching us? What is this teaching our younger generations??
So I set out to find images of bodies that inspire and motivate me.
Strong bodies. Healthy bodies.
Real Women. With curves.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Responding to Questions from Formspring.me
You're doing fantastic! How are you dieting? & how did you manage to lose 100lbs so fast? also how long or how often do you work out?
First of all, THANK YOU!!! I can never ever ever hear that enough!
I started out using alli, which you take with all three meals and it simply blocks 25% of the fat you eat. I did this mainly as a learning tool. It taught me that there are consequences to what I put in my mouth. And it worked. I slowly weaned myself off of it and now I only use it every few days if I know I'm being a bit indulgent. (as in lean red meat or pork not as in fried food or something really terrible!)
I stick to 1600-1800 calories on days when I work out and I stay within 1400-1500 calories on days when I dont go to the gym.
My gym routine is admittedly a bit intense. On tuesdays and thursdays I get to gym after work at about 5:30 and do cardio and light strength training until 7 when I have my bootcamp class until 7:45/8:00. Then I try to make it to the gym at least two sometimes three other days and I do 2 - 2.5 hours of cardio/weight training. On top of that I watch most of my tv on the computer and I have my little Golds gym Peddler so I try to peddle any time I am watching tv. On my off from the gym days I try to push myself and do at least 90 minutes of peddling w/out stopping along with some sort of activity that gets me moving. (I recently bought a bike and am excited to start using it!)
I forget how much I am doing now until I write it all down. It's all just part of the routine now. I just try to keep myself moving.
I think the first 100 came off so fast bc I went from literally going from the couch to work to the couch to being VERY active. Before I started this I kid you not, I probably did not walk half a mile in a whole day and I ate a whole lot of crappy food. It was sad. I was sad.
I started out using alli, which you take with all three meals and it simply blocks 25% of the fat you eat. I did this mainly as a learning tool. It taught me that there are consequences to what I put in my mouth. And it worked. I slowly weaned myself off of it and now I only use it every few days if I know I'm being a bit indulgent. (as in lean red meat or pork not as in fried food or something really terrible!)
I stick to 1600-1800 calories on days when I work out and I stay within 1400-1500 calories on days when I dont go to the gym.
My gym routine is admittedly a bit intense. On tuesdays and thursdays I get to gym after work at about 5:30 and do cardio and light strength training until 7 when I have my bootcamp class until 7:45/8:00. Then I try to make it to the gym at least two sometimes three other days and I do 2 - 2.5 hours of cardio/weight training. On top of that I watch most of my tv on the computer and I have my little Golds gym Peddler so I try to peddle any time I am watching tv. On my off from the gym days I try to push myself and do at least 90 minutes of peddling w/out stopping along with some sort of activity that gets me moving. (I recently bought a bike and am excited to start using it!)
I forget how much I am doing now until I write it all down. It's all just part of the routine now. I just try to keep myself moving.
I think the first 100 came off so fast bc I went from literally going from the couch to work to the couch to being VERY active. Before I started this I kid you not, I probably did not walk half a mile in a whole day and I ate a whole lot of crappy food. It was sad. I was sad.
on finally hitting the dreaded plateau... and wanting eat anything that is not nailed down...
So let me just start by saying that I am SO predictable... I hit a wall and I want to eat.
I finally have hit the plateau that I have been bracing myself for. I've lost two pounds this week... Stuck at 118 lost.... Still working, not giving up. To be honest it is kind of a relief. I've blasted through the first 100 pounds without many hiccups and I knew this was coming, at least now I can just get through it. I'm not even really that frustrated with it...
what I am frustrated with, though, is the fact that this week I just want to EAT.
I keep thinking about how life will be different when I reach my goal weight... How I will be different. I have always touted about this "big girl" thing. It was who I was. I was a "big girl" and I was damn proud of it. If you didn't like it, screw you. I faked being confident so much for so long that even I started to believe it at times. And I did have moments when I did feel it. Even now I dont find myself completely unattractive. I do not sit around staring in the mirror and hating myself. I just focus on the good stuff. Like from the boobs up! (Thank God I have always had a nice rack...lol) But I keep thinking now who will I be if I am not the "big girl"? Who will I be if I'm not the fat funny friend? There is a safety in being the fat friend. You don't have to worry about ever being in a compromising situation. No one is ever going to force themselves on you. You wont have to fend off unwanted advances. You can watch out for your cuter, thinner, wilder friends when you go out to make sure that they dont do anything stupid. But what happens when I am not insulated/protected from the outside world by this bubble of fat...this safety net of blubber... What happens if someday I am the one who is noticed and dangerous and no longer a "safe" "big girl". What will I be then? It has always defined me. Always. "Remember Kayla? You know she is the big girl with the pretty face." I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that exact description of me. The big girl with the pretty face. Will I have to own up to my mistakes and shortcomings then? Now I have a built-in excuse. If I fail or falter it's not my fault, it's because I am fat. If I dont feel like doing something because I am just plain old lazy, It's not my fault, its cause I'm fat. Well, what happens when I'm not fat? It's all on me. This change is happening already. I am already starting to feel this one shift. I am taking the reins more and more and not letting myself make excuses. Except when it comes to food. I have a million and one excuses as to why I can eat. Why I can bend the rules. When I want something I will find a way to talk myself into it being ok. I guess I just have to go back to basics and remind myself that this is a process. I am completely re-learning how to live life. I am totally changing my habits every single day. I am re-building my relationship with food and that is not going to happen overnight.
I just keep waiting to FEEL different. I know in my head that I have lost 118 pounds and that is a big accomplishment, but I dont FEEL like it yet... I just feel like I am still at the start if this huge journey. Even when I have lost all the weight then I have to shift to maintaning it... and I've heard that is even harder than loosing it! I dunno... I figure I still have about 120 pounds to loose. Maybe after the next 100 I will feel different...I just feel very in-transition right now. I keep throwing clothes away but I am so hesitant to buy new ones because I am in between right now. I am loosing weight faster in my chest, butt and legs than my center, so clothes fit really strange... I just feel like a house currently being remodeled. You know, you live out of one room at a time bc there is stuff being worked on everywhere. I guess the good news is that I am loving the change I made to my hair. That was a big change and I love it. There again I am predictable, when I get bored or restless or frustrated, I change my hair. It livens me up.
I finally have hit the plateau that I have been bracing myself for. I've lost two pounds this week... Stuck at 118 lost.... Still working, not giving up. To be honest it is kind of a relief. I've blasted through the first 100 pounds without many hiccups and I knew this was coming, at least now I can just get through it. I'm not even really that frustrated with it...
what I am frustrated with, though, is the fact that this week I just want to EAT.
I just want to EAT.I don't know what it going on in my head. I think I am seeking some sort of comfort or something because it's not like I am hungry all the time, it's my brain. My brain wants to eat and eat and eat. I ate an entire head of lettuce yesterday. WTF?! I just wanted to feel full.
Only a fat or former fat person can understand...Only a fat or former fat person can understand that. There is some bizzarre comfort that I used to find in feeling completely stuffed. Even when I was so full that my stomach hurt, there was still a strange comfort in that. I wish I could understand where that came from...
I keep thinking about how life will be different when I reach my goal weight... How I will be different. I have always touted about this "big girl" thing. It was who I was. I was a "big girl" and I was damn proud of it. If you didn't like it, screw you. I faked being confident so much for so long that even I started to believe it at times. And I did have moments when I did feel it. Even now I dont find myself completely unattractive. I do not sit around staring in the mirror and hating myself. I just focus on the good stuff. Like from the boobs up! (Thank God I have always had a nice rack...lol) But I keep thinking now who will I be if I am not the "big girl"? Who will I be if I'm not the fat funny friend? There is a safety in being the fat friend. You don't have to worry about ever being in a compromising situation. No one is ever going to force themselves on you. You wont have to fend off unwanted advances. You can watch out for your cuter, thinner, wilder friends when you go out to make sure that they dont do anything stupid. But what happens when I am not insulated/protected from the outside world by this bubble of fat...this safety net of blubber... What happens if someday I am the one who is noticed and dangerous and no longer a "safe" "big girl". What will I be then? It has always defined me. Always. "Remember Kayla? You know she is the big girl with the pretty face." I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that exact description of me. The big girl with the pretty face. Will I have to own up to my mistakes and shortcomings then? Now I have a built-in excuse. If I fail or falter it's not my fault, it's because I am fat. If I dont feel like doing something because I am just plain old lazy, It's not my fault, its cause I'm fat. Well, what happens when I'm not fat? It's all on me. This change is happening already. I am already starting to feel this one shift. I am taking the reins more and more and not letting myself make excuses. Except when it comes to food. I have a million and one excuses as to why I can eat. Why I can bend the rules. When I want something I will find a way to talk myself into it being ok. I guess I just have to go back to basics and remind myself that this is a process. I am completely re-learning how to live life. I am totally changing my habits every single day. I am re-building my relationship with food and that is not going to happen overnight.
I just keep waiting to FEEL different. I know in my head that I have lost 118 pounds and that is a big accomplishment, but I dont FEEL like it yet... I just feel like I am still at the start if this huge journey. Even when I have lost all the weight then I have to shift to maintaning it... and I've heard that is even harder than loosing it! I dunno... I figure I still have about 120 pounds to loose. Maybe after the next 100 I will feel different...I just feel very in-transition right now. I keep throwing clothes away but I am so hesitant to buy new ones because I am in between right now. I am loosing weight faster in my chest, butt and legs than my center, so clothes fit really strange... I just feel like a house currently being remodeled. You know, you live out of one room at a time bc there is stuff being worked on everywhere. I guess the good news is that I am loving the change I made to my hair. That was a big change and I love it. There again I am predictable, when I get bored or restless or frustrated, I change my hair. It livens me up.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The boot list. (Cause sometimes you need a swift kick to get moving)
When I loose the weight I will...
be healthy and fit
fit in booths at restaurants
be able to ride on a roller coaster
go to the beach and not be too embarrassed to wear a bathing suit or have to wear layers to cover the rolls.
feel sexy
no longer dread trying on clothes
no longer make excuses to avoid activities that would make me uncomfortable because of my size
be completely self-confident and not fake it
fit comfortably in an airplane seat
be able to walk into ANY clothing store and fit in normal size clothes. Goodbye Lane Bryant! No more "plus" "womens" "extended" or "baby elephant" sizes!
wear feminine, daring, fitted clothing instead of frumpy hoodies, t-shirts and jeans all the time
wear dresses
wear sexy heels without wobbling... You can't balance a watermelon on two toothpicks!
look hot in lingerie
have better SEX! =)
have no more excuses for not going after my dreams...
be able to walk up steps without huffing and puffing and getting red in the face
have more stamina
be able to run a mile
feel healthy, strong, and energetic
fit in vehicles more comfortably
fit in seat-belts more comfortably. No more whipering to the airline attendant "can I have an extender please?" while everyone stares at you like you are a zoo animal.
identify as something other than a "big girl"
be an active person, have an active life.
be able to paint my toenails with more ease
have more room in the bath tub... maybe enough room for two?!?
not feel like everyone is staring at me when I'm in public
not feel embarrassed of my size
not feel like a odd or different... or less than someone who is fit
live and enjoy life to the fullest and not feel like I am just existing or faking it
like the reflection in the mirror... the whole refelection. Not just from the shoulders up.
wear sleeveless shirts
wear shorts
wear above-the-knee skirts
be less inhibited... in every area of my life
go on a long bike ride
not have a belly in the way... of everything
be able to cross my legs
be more flexible
not be hot when everyone else is cool
take pictures of my whole self and not just my face
not feel achey when I get out of bed in the morning
not have cankles. You know calf-ankles no seperation between the two.
know what it's like to be thin and fit
enjoy being thin and fit
feel desirable
feel sexy
not have floors creak when I walk on them
fit through turnstiles without turning sideways
have more room in the shower
roller skate
not be embarrassed to go to the doctor's office
not be embarrassed by the number on the scale
have the normal sized blood pressure cuff actually fit my arm
my thighs will NO LONGER rub together when I walk
not be the fattest person everywhere I go
be able to throw away all of my "fat clothes"
go on a shopping spree and get a whole new wardrobe
not have to worry if a blouse is long enough to cover my hips, butt, and stomach
not avoid getting my picture taken because I hate how fat my face and body looks
be judged for who I am, not for how much I weigh
not be perceived as a fat, lazy slob
see my muscles and my real shape... not mounds of fat
be able to feel my bones
not feel inferior because of my weight
not "hide"
not have to pull and stretch my clothes out before I wear them
not have to wear a girdle, waist cincher, spanx, or a corset
not have to walk sideways down the aisle of airplanes
be able to walk through narrow aisles of department stores and specialty shops and not have to turn sideways
fit into seats at any movie or theater
not feel compelled to lie about how much I weigh
fit comfortably in any chair with or without arms
not feel compelled to cover my lap with a blanket or pillow any time I'm sitting on a couch in order to hide my fat stomach
not be embarrassed of my fat calves when wearing capris
not have to wear an extender chain on short necklaces or bracelets
not hate my body and what I have done to it
not be depressed because of my weight
be in control of my life, habits, eating, body... not the other way around
Atonement for my sins... *warning* kinda icky
Well... I am allowed one cheat day a week to treat myself. On Sunday all I could think about was Arbys curly fries. Thats all I wanted. So it was my cheat day, I went to Arbys. Did I still make good choices? Did I keep it in a reasonable portion? Nope. I ate a LARGE curly fry and a Roast Beef and Cheddar. I wish I could tell you that I did not enjoy it while I ate it, but that would be a lie. It tasted great. Afterwards I felt tired and sluggish. I went to sleep with heartburn and plans to SERIOUSLY workout with my trainer at 8 am but didn't think much of it otherwise.
Well I woke up at 4am feeling less than ok. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. Violently. I'm not talking about a dainty little sick, I'm talking about projectile, wretching, doubled over, exorcist-style VOMIT. It was awful.
I thought ok, too much grease... thats fine. I will just take a shower and drink some water and I will be ok.
Wrong. I threw up again IN THE SHOWER! Thats when I first thought that I was in trouble. I got out of the shower and laid on the couch for a while...well, maybe an hour or so and then ran to the bathroom again...
Ugh. I felt AWFUL. Cold. Clammy. Weak. Green.
But I thought I could push through it enough to get through my workout that morning. The ride to the gym made me question myself. Every bump made my stomach lurch. I made it to the gym and Kevin noticed right away that I was not in good shape. I managed to make it through about ten minutes before I was running for the bathroom. So there I am, in the bathroom at the gym wretching again. But this time there is nothing left in my stomach but grease. I am not kidding you, I was throwing up grease and the water I drank while working out for a whopping ten minutes. Definitely not my proudest moment.
So I dragged my way through the SLOWEST pace I have ever had on the elliptical for another ten minutes and then I just packed it in.
So then I spent my whole off day that I had so been looking forward to running from the couch to the bathroom. super. I took the next day off of work and bootcamp class because I still couldn't really keep anything down.
Yesterday was my first day back to normal. I got in a good solid workout and I am looking forward to class tonight.
I talked to Kevin about what I ate and he said my body was probably just rejecting it. I did a bunch of research online and that seems to be the concensous. After not eating anything fried since November 1st and then gorging on a large deep fried mess... I felt so dumb. But I have GOT to look at the bright side. I think this is solidifying in my head that
Well I woke up at 4am feeling less than ok. I rushed to the bathroom and threw up. Violently. I'm not talking about a dainty little sick, I'm talking about projectile, wretching, doubled over, exorcist-style VOMIT. It was awful.
I thought ok, too much grease... thats fine. I will just take a shower and drink some water and I will be ok.
Wrong. I threw up again IN THE SHOWER! Thats when I first thought that I was in trouble. I got out of the shower and laid on the couch for a while...well, maybe an hour or so and then ran to the bathroom again...
Ugh. I felt AWFUL. Cold. Clammy. Weak. Green.
But I thought I could push through it enough to get through my workout that morning. The ride to the gym made me question myself. Every bump made my stomach lurch. I made it to the gym and Kevin noticed right away that I was not in good shape. I managed to make it through about ten minutes before I was running for the bathroom. So there I am, in the bathroom at the gym wretching again. But this time there is nothing left in my stomach but grease. I am not kidding you, I was throwing up grease and the water I drank while working out for a whopping ten minutes. Definitely not my proudest moment.
So I dragged my way through the SLOWEST pace I have ever had on the elliptical for another ten minutes and then I just packed it in.
So then I spent my whole off day that I had so been looking forward to running from the couch to the bathroom. super. I took the next day off of work and bootcamp class because I still couldn't really keep anything down.
Yesterday was my first day back to normal. I got in a good solid workout and I am looking forward to class tonight.
I talked to Kevin about what I ate and he said my body was probably just rejecting it. I did a bunch of research online and that seems to be the concensous. After not eating anything fried since November 1st and then gorging on a large deep fried mess... I felt so dumb. But I have GOT to look at the bright side. I think this is solidifying in my head that
I can NEVER go back.Even if my head would let me, my body will not. So that is something to think about. Those old habits can creep up on you... When I think about what I used to eat in a day... I can't believe it. All that grease. All that fat. All those preservatives and phosphates and nitrates and fillers in fast food. All the damage I did to my body and never thought twice about it... 100 pounds lost and a LOT of lessons learned, I know that I am changed.
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