Oh Happy Day!!!!!

Yesterday was a big day. I have been abstinent for 30 days!!!!!!!!
No cookies. No ice cream. No brownies. No cake. No overeating. No fried food. No french fries. No soda. (And because of that I have also had no caffeine!)
My abstinence is this simple- No sugar. No fried food. No over-eating. No binge eating. 
I have really been trying to have three meals a day and not snack between, but there have been a few times I have missed breakfast. 


I am feeling really good! I feel like I have accomplished something! I dont see a HUGE difference physically yet... I can tell that I am loosing some weight. Clothes feel a little bit looser but nothing major and I am ok with that right now because I FEEL better. I FEEL a major difference.

Can you hear me now? Finding MY Higher Power

After completing my 5th step I felt like a height had been lifted! I felt lighter. But since then...

(The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.)

I have been a bit stuck... I am willing to have my defects of character removed.... I am willing to give control over to my Higher Power but I am struggling a lot with FEELING connected to a Higher Power that I believe can do these things. 

For the first time since I began working this program, I hesitated. I was frozen. So I turned to AA and OA speakers for inspiration. Many of them spoke about how they felt such a deep and intense connection with God after they completed their 5th step.... So immediately my negativity kicked in. My inner critic went into overdrive.  Clearly I was doing something wrong. If I didn't feel a connection to the God that I heard those people talk about there must be something wrong with me. 

Of course my old monster kicked in.... " What does it matter anyway? Why are you stressing out so much? Just relax. Just eat those brownies you like so much. No one would know! "

Those old familiar patterns snuck back in SO EASILY.... But this time I listened to that "monster-voice" and let it bring me back to focus. 

So I picked up the Big Book of AA and dove into a Big Book study. The program comes from the Big Book so if I am hearing differing perspectives from speakers and blogs why not go to the source for some clarity. 

And clarity is exactly what I found.

My Higher Power is not out there somewhere in the darkness. Its not something out there in the Universe that I need to somehow make a connection with.

My Higher Power is within me. It's been there all along. My fears and resentments and defects of character have been blocking me from the light within me and blocking me from letting that light shine into the world. I don't have to connect with someone else's Higher Power. I don't need to connect with the God from the Churches of my childhood. I need to connect to the Higher Power/the Light within me. 

A Higher Power gives people direction. This is a concept that I can clearly visualize. 

Good, positive energy, love, kindness, truth and justice are all powers within me that I can visualize as the True North on my compass. The other 359 degrees are my fears, my resentments, my negativity and all of the paths and behaviors that have failed me. 

"Other people's God" is often described as pushing his believers in the right direction. They follow his signs and gentle nudges. I feel like My Higher Power is a set of values that are my true north pulling me in the right direction. I naturally attracted to making the right decisions like a magnet. I just need to stay in touch with that and not allow myself to be blocked by all the CRAP so that I can feel it's pull.

So there I have it. I am entirely ready to have MY Higher Power remove my defects of character and I have humbly asked HP to remove my shortcomings so that I may be able to follow the direction of good, positive energy, love, kindness, truth and justice.

Out of my comfort zone

I am trying to learn to enjoy and really feel those moments of being uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone lately... It's been tough. Without sugar and binging I have no tools to deal with feeling overwhelmed or out of control or sad of angry.... hell, even happiness is tough to handle without my trusty crutch! What continues to baffle me is that I had NO IDEA how little I really felt things before. As soon as a feeling started to bubble up I stuffed it down. And now I am learning how to feel things. How to be patient and still. How to listen to my body and notice where feelings manifest within me. More than anything I am learning that if I am patient and mindful, any negative feeling will pass. 

Yesterday I had a little meltdown. I had a stupid bicker/bitch match with my partner. Nothing outrageous. We are two stubborn, strong minded women, a little bickering is just part of life! But when we were bickering I got so upset because I was completely overwhelmed with fear. I was terrified that if the fight escalated I would have no way to deal with those feelings and I would slip up and binge or turn to sugar. I couldn't even focus on her anymore because I was so scared. 

I know that there is no perfect way to do this deal. I know that life is going to happen on life's terms. I know these things in my head... but I have not yet made the tools of the steps and the Big Book a part of my life. I know that now. That was a tough lesson to learn. Because I have heard speakers talk about how trans-formative the 12 steps are because they give you tools for life that we used to look for in our addiction. I am not using the tools everyday. I feel like I am free-falling. But I am working towards it. 

I am struggling with the biggest tool which is reaching out. My first instinct is not to pick up a phone and reach out to my fellows when I am stressed. I am so accustomed to internalizing all of that. But this is what I need to really work on. 

SO- I am making a new commitment to this blog. Maybe turning here will be a start to reaching out. Many of you have been so wonderful to me. You have been a lifeline of encouragement and support and I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated you. So this new journey is quite different... but I am giving it my all, because I truly know that this time my life depends on it.

Meeting my Monster...

In the meeting tonight there was an intense and painful discussion about the food. About the baffling, cunning, and powerful compulsion that rules us with cravings, pushes us toward out-of-control binge eating, chews away at our peace of mind and our ability to approach life on life's terms.

Someone said that their compulsion is a ravenous little monster that lives inside them and that hit me like a ton of bricks. ME TOO. 

.Rawr.

I don't remember exactly how I came to be in possession of this monster, but it's been there a very long time. I don't know why I got a food monster and other people got an alcohol monster, a gambling monster, a shopping monster, a cocaine monster etc. etc.. 

But I am realizing that how and why are not relevant questions for me anymore.

What I didn't fully comprehend in my previous years of dieting and/or suffering, is that THE MONSTER ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

In my previous attempt to lose weight, I was starving my body but feeding the monster. Even at my most stringent calorie-counting, I was feeding the compulsion with endless thoughts about food: what I had just eaten, when I would eat next, whether I could justify another bowl of cereal or an extra piece of chicken breast or cup of cocoa. I was feeding my monster with intense battles of math in my head; if I eat this pizza that just means an extra two hours at the gym. And as the wieght came off, I started believing my monster was defeated, that I had single-handedly slain the beast. I had all the answers. Wasn't I clever?

Wrong.

What OA is helping me to see is that my monster will always be there.

Being abstinent, going to meetings, listening to speakers and reading the Big Book- my monster gets a little smaller. Some days it gets downright sleepy and curls up in a little ball in the back of my mind. Those are good days, but potentially dangerous days. That monster can get so small and docile that it almost gets cute. That monster bats its eyelashes and whispers things like, "You've been so good. Normal people can eat ice cream as a special treat. So can you."

But I know that every single compulsive bite revives the compulsion and allows it to grow large and ravenous all over again. That cute little monster that seemed so harmless is once again rampaging through me, causing misery and suffering.


The thing is- if the monsters in our head didn't whisper, if they didn't bat their eyelashes and speak in that sweet, comforting voice, we would see them for what they are! My monster is never going to smack me on the head and scream- "Go eat an entire gallon of ice cream and then hate yourself!" That's why this addiction was able to control me so completely. 


I have found that my monster looks something like this...

My monster presents himself as a teddy bear. He can seem soft and cuddly. My monster uses comfort as his weapon. "You've had a hard day. You deserve a hug. Let's eat a little something first, ok?" "I am so proud of you, you did great! Let's celebrate with a hug. But let's just eat a little first." Whether I am sad, angry, happy, confused, scared or anything in between I turn to my monster to deal with the emotions, because in my life emotions have been scary and uncomfortable. But once I turn to him he isn't cute and cuddly anymore...

He wants more. And more. And more. So I give him more.

And then I am left alone. Wondering how in the hell I managed to eat all of that. Miserable. Hating myself. Feeling sick and pathetic.

But if I can listen to my monster when he is a teddy bear and let that motivate me to use my OA tools instead of silencing everything with food I take the power back from him. I am learning to listen closely for his whispers because they are an indicater that I have OA work to do. I need to be reading the Big Book or journaling or listening to a speaker. Because when my monster's voice is louder than my Higher Power's- I am not centered where I need to be.

My name is Kayla and I have a problem...

So I went to my first OA meeting on Sunday 6/17. Kaiha came with me... Thank goodness!

It was terrifying. Those women talked about their experiences and it was like they were looking inside my head. The Sunday morning meeting is focused on spirituality so a lot of what was discussed was based on God. Someone talked about how she hated God when she came to the program but has developed a relationship with him now. That's a tough thing for me. I don't hate God. I dont know him well enough to hate him. He has just been a foreign concept for me. 
So at the end of the meeting they give out chips. They ask if anyone would like to take their first chip and stop overeating. I did it. I took a silver chip.

After the meeting Kaiha and I talked to two older women about OA and recovery and addiction for about an hour and a half. I can't explain it, but hearing their stories... Listening to them talk about their struggles... I feel like someone shined a HUGE spotlight into a dark corner of me. I always thought that I was the only person who felt like I do about food. I always felt that no one could ever understand the obsessive, crazy thoughts and habits I have about food. But they do. Hell, some of what they shared was worse than what I have done!
So I left the meeting and came home feeling completely RAW. I felt like someone had peeled off all of my skin.
Jessica and I talked about the meeting. I looked through the newcomer packet they gave me at the meeting.
Then we ordered pizza. I ate my small sensible veggie pizza and Jessica ate some of hers. Then she wandered off to work on something or other and I finished her pizza. And cheesesticks. And what was left of her cinnamon sticks.
Then I spent the next two days binging. I ate and ate and ate. I would occasionally glance at the newcomer packet still sitting on the coffee table, but I didn't actually pick anything up but the food I was stuffing down.
But then last night something happened. One of the women from the meeting called me. We talked for about 15 minutes. She was very sweet. Just wanted to say hi and wanted to know how I was doing. I lied and said I was doing well, but after talking to her I just wanted to stop lying. I wanted to stop saying I was fine when I wasn't.
So I had a sensible dinner last night. With no dessert. And I started looking online at OA resources and blogs. This morning I had one serving of plain oatmeal. I am going to do something different. I used an excersize I found to identify my trigger foods. The foods that make me loose control and start binging and those will be the foods I will abstain from completely. They are refined sugars and fried foods.
Day One.
I can do this.

Sharing a little something from Jillian Michaels

Jillian Michaels

 Diet Tip: Most sugar substitutes are just as evil as sugar itself. Do you really think your body knows how to handle something that was man-made? Seriously. These chemically-adjusted products do not occur in the wild; there are no sucralose trees in warmer climates, nor are there saccharin plants on the plains of the Serengeti. In some instances, taking in sugar substitutes may actually increase your levels of hunger! Avoid anything in a blue, yellow, or pink packet. Try xylitol or a stevia product like Truvia for a low calorie sugar substitutes that’s safe. And at the end of the day if you use a packet of sugar it’s only 14 calories. With sugar, moderation is key. 

Sugar is by far my biggest demon. I cannot think of a time when I truly controlled my sugar cravings. I used to dream about hot fudge sundaes... I really believe that this is going to be the hardest beast for me to tame. I just want to feel like someday there can be cookies or brownies or ice cream in the house for more than 2 days without me obsessing over finding a way to devour them when no one is home.




Here is another gem....

Jillian Michaels

Here's a simple, silly, and yet extremely effective tip to keep you from over indulging. Sometimes when we are dieting our bodies go through periods of insatiable hunger. You know that feeling when no matter what you eat you are still hungry? It can be really frustrating. Try a fiber supplement like psyillium husk capsules. When you take these with a bunch of water the psyillium expands in your tummy helping to literally fill you up and curb appetite. Plus, it’s calorie free and helps to clear you out. Literally.

Jun 1, 2012  -  Public

Very interesting...

My life has become unmanageable...

I have been lost. completely. I have spent the last year spiraling out of control. Burying myself in work and predictably- in food.

I have gained all of the weight I lost and then some. I have numbed myself with food over and over again and I have settled into a really heavy depression. In my adult life I cannot think of a time that I have been this unhappy... but I got to a point that I just accepted that this was my life. I was just fat. That's all. But I am a rock star at work and I have a partner who loves me. So that's enough. And that excuses the fact that I am not healthy...and getting unhealthier by the day.

My partner Jessica's best friend- Kiaha came back into her life and my life as well after being in and out. She struggled with Alcohol but was getting help. We talked for hours many nights with her about how her life became unmanageable and how she went to AA and found that she was powerless. She talked about working through resentments and letting go of her failures and shortcomings. We have watched her completely change her life over the last 7 months.

Tonight we went to hear her speak to a large group and tell her story. It was the first time I had been to an AA meeting and as I don't have a problem with alcohol I was not anticipating feeling anything personal... but I was wrong. Kiaha talked about life before AA... She talked about telling herself and other people that she didn't have a problem while she was drinking everyday. She talked about the feelings of hopelessness and desperation. I was so proud of her for sharing her story...but more than that it shook me to my core. It scared the crap out of me. A lot of what I heard tonight shook me. 

We left and I broke down in the car. I was crying and talking to Jessica about how a lot of what I heard struck a cord with me. I was so embarrassed...Shame is a very big part of what has gotten me to this point... I have been sneaking food in the middle of the night for as long as I can remember. I eat when no one is around and hide the evidence. I eat when I am sad I eat when I am happy. I eat when I am bored. I eat when I am feeling something and I don't want to feel. I eat to fill a void. I eat to hide. But what has that gotten me?

So... Now it's 7am and I have been up all night reading. I downloaded the Kindle version of Overeaters Anonymous and the twelve step program. I'm thinking about going to a meeting... I am really scared. 

New motivation and a hard reality check... Starting over at the beginning again.

It has been quite a while, dear friends. If anyone is still out there, thank you for reading and being supportive! I have missed you all very much!
Well, I wish I had all good news, but.... I think we all know where this is going...
I decided to make a strategical move in August and move FAR into the suburbs with two of my (what I thought were) good friends. I figured I would have roomates, save some money and in a year be in a much better situation.
I was wrong. What I got was a nightmare! It has been hell. Emotional terrorism. I literally live in my bedroom. I sleep here, watch tv here, eat here and rarely leave.
I am also stranded too far from the city to be accessible to much of anything. Including the gym that had become my comfort zone for a year. I thought that I would find a gym here in the burbs but I didn't. I thought that I would not loose control but I did.
I let the stress and the tension and the negativity of a bad situation become an excuse to revert to my old ways of dealing with problems. I just stuffed my feelings further and further down. Stuffing myself full of fast food and junk food until I felt sick.

Then I had a change at work. In November I started a two month working interview for a job that was a major career game-changer. It was incredibly intense and stressful and long insane hours but I got it! And since then I work at least one if not two 16 hour days a week. Sitting in a chair. Not moving. Then I come home and eat and lay in bed and dont move. Then on the weekends I just lounge about watching tv or going to the movies and dont really move. I have become almost entirely sedentary. And completely depressed.
Needless to say I have gained almost all of the weight back.
Here I am a few weeks ago. A friend snapped a picture on her phone and sent it to me. I was mortified at the sight of myself. After all of that work. After all of that positive change... I just let it all slip away. For what? Ice cream? Fast food? Big Macs and Onion rings and fried chicken??
Was it really worth it? No.
So here I am.... In all my rounded face and double chin glory.

sigh

The more weight I gained the more I avoided. I avoided anyone who had been supportive of my weight loss or who I had told a lot about my journey. I avoided this blog completely. Every time I got a new comment it was a reminder of my shame and my guilt. And guess what?? It became another reason to stuff my face.
I have been avoiding my family. I have been avoiding my friends.
My best friend is getting married in November and I have been avoiding him because I am completely horrified even thinking about going to his wedding looking the way that I do.
The hard part about having been so vocal about my journey is that it is very difficult to loose all control and gain the weight back and not have people question you. Anytime someone would ask me how I was doing or how the weight loss was going I would just cringe and avoid the topic. Change the subject or just say that I was "working on it".

Last night I went out to dinner with some friends. We are chatting and eating and having a drink and they mentioned that they were going to join a gym together and be workout buddies. Before I knew what I was saying I said that I wanted to join them and we all agreed to work out together today.
I woke up this morning in a panic. I felt sick. Would I even be able to get through it? How embarrassing was this going to be?
Going to the gym for the first time in well over 6 months.
I had visions of myself just passing out on the eliptical.
But I went.
I just did cardio and we were in and out in an hour, but now I feel fantastic.
Jessica and I went out to dinner. She wanted to go to a buffet.  I went and I made good choices. A big salad with salsa and fat free ranch, green beans, roasted chicken and a baked potato. But I did have a roll with lots of butter. Still much better choices than I was making.
So Here I Am. Back at the beginning. I feel I may have a much more realistic grasp on just how serious my problem is.
I think I really do have a food addiction. I think that the way some addicts need drugs to numb the pain and deal with the stress. I think I use food in that way. But I cannot quit cold turkey.
But I wish I could. I wish I could just flip a magical switch and all the choices would be made for me. I would not have to obsess and count calories or points or measure portion sizes or look at nutrition labels.
But I have to. And that is all part of the journey this time. Being realistic. I have to make it a part of my life but not an all-consuming obsession.
I am buying a membership to the gym tomorrow.
Today is the first step of a LONG and difficult journey. But this time I have to do the hard work. This time I have to work on not just the outside but the inside too.
If only I had chosen drugs instead of food... 90 days of rehab sounds a hell of a lot easier! Intervention me, please!

It's not a question, I just think what you're doing is fantastic and wanted you to know.

Thank you!! I cannot even tell you how much it has helped to have the words of encouragement from the blog. It is a CONSTANT battle... making the right food choices. Fat is SO much easier than healthy!!!

Ask me anything

You look beautiful in that little black dress. :)

Thank you thank you thank you!!!

Ask me anything

On backsliding, junk food binging, finding what works and clawing my way back...

Well, I got a bit lost there for a while....but I am back!!!
I backslid.
I started a new job where I am completely sedentary trapped in a cubicle and on top of that I am working very odd and unpredictable hours. It has made a LOT of things a whole lot more difficult. Its harder to plan and schedule meals. It's harder to make it to the gym. It's harder to sleep. It's harder to have time with my family. It's just been a very rough adjustment period. so with all of that going on and working against me, the fat kid inside of me took hold. It all started with that freaking vending machine in the break room... I hate that vending machine. One night I was only supposed to work 6 hours and ended up staying 12. I had not planned on having to eat at work so I didn't bring anything. Kroger was already closed and so were both restaurants nearby. I was stuck there with literally nothing to eat. So I went to the vending machine and feeling like I was starving, all logic went out the window. I'm sure you know how this story is going to go... then the next day when I came in the vending machine was staring me down and I let myself have a little treat, just a little something. And on and on and on... ugh. The vending machine led to Mcdondalds which led to Chik-filet which led to Burger King and before I knew it I found myself checking out at the grocery store buying two bags of doritos and a package of Oreos... So I have gained 10 pounds in a month. DAMNIT. That sucks. Definitely not the direction I want to be headed in.
But I had made great progess until I lost control... When I went back to michigan to visit I got SO many great responses to how I looked... and more importantly, I took up much less space.  I found myself in odd situations where I was reminded that I am a smaller person. I take up less space now. I fit into a round booth at a restaurant! I slid gracefully (ish) around the bend without sucking in for my life or painfully squeezing my gut against the table edge. I ate lunch comfortably without my stomach resting on the table awkwardly. It felt amazing. When I got on the plane, I sat next to someone! I still needed an extender, but JUST BARELY. We sat next to each other and he did not have to lean waaay out in the aisle and I didn't have to hold myself awkwardly to one side, Leaning into the hole for the window to give him more room.
So now I am pushing myself back on the track. I was talking to someone at the gym about how frustrated I am that bootcamp was really working for me and now I can't go with my new schedule and finding time to get to the gym is harder and she suggested I try p90x. I laughed at her. That is for people who are already fitness nuts and want to get ripped. She said she does it on days when her husband has the car and she can't get to the gym for bootcamp. She said she just modifies or substitutes things that are too hard with the things she already has learned and can do from our bootcamp class. She offered to burn me a copy and I thought, what the heck I will give it a shot. I dont have anything to loose, I guess. So I tried it.
Let me tell you, I am in LOVE!!!
I am two weeks into Phase 1 and it is fantastic! The explosive plyometrics (ie Jumping) is just not in my realm of possibility right now, but thats ok, I just do an extra day of the cardio x or the core synergy. I'm just modifying what doesn't really work for me and substituting in the stuff that does. I'm basically getting the more hardcore intensity that I was craving from my old routine and I am getting it for me. AT HOME! So I have decided to put my gym membership on hold for a while. I'll save some money. I have something that is working. And after this I want to try Insanity. It's along the same lines as p90x and it'll give me some variety. I feel good about it. and I am sweating my ASS OFF!!! I love it.
I let the frustration of not being able to have my old schedule and habits anymore just break me down. I didn't realize just how much I relied on them until I lost them. But now I feel like I am back on track. That is SUCH a great feeling.

Here's a fun little thing....
Here is a picture of me and my best friend from October

And here is a picture of us from May

He has been loosing weight also and looks FANTASTIC!
Can't wait to see the difference in another 6 months....

some days...

Some days all the food in the world isn't enough.

Some days housework is just that.

Some days meditation is just silence.

Some days two hours of exercise feels like a drop in the ocean.

Some days feeding your body is just the beginning.

Some days just having all the tools doesn't mean you can build anything.

Today I am home. I could be working on numerous projects. I am on my second cup of tea, but feel like I need a nap. The dogs and I have been for a two mile walk. I have watched an episode of Desperate Housewives while using the stationary bike. I have done dishes.

My house is full of things used to create stuff. Cameras, paint, computers, decoupage glue, recording equipment, microphones, pots, and pans. There are days (like today) when I feel as though they are simply for decoration. I know how to use them. I've done it before. I've created my own little masterpieces. Today they suddenly seem alien to me. I don't know how they work. I have forgotten what they do, or why they do it, rather. We are all wasting space together, waiting for lightning to strike.

Some days all I do is not binge eat.

I spend all day fighting to not fill my gut or stuff myself into silence. So I gather healthy, sensible ingredients. I combine some herbs, frozen steamfresh veggies, shred some leftover lemon pepper chicken breast, organic chopped tomatoes, kashi rice pilaf, corn, lentils, black beans... They all meet in a pot. The pot gets hot. It will stay like this for some time. It will make a soup.  It will be placed next to the stuff in the fridge which is newer than the stuff in the freezer. It seems as though I am always in some transition between stocking up and pairing down.

Some days there are just tomorrows.

Some days there is only hoping that tomorrows are better than todays.

TMI Alert: The small stall...

This post might be TMI for Non-Fatty's, but for those of us who know what its like to be big sized in a small sized world- "fitting in" has a much different meaning.
Public Bathrooms...
They have a whole host of issues surrounding them for both thin and chubby people, but for me they have always been a source of frustration and embarrassment. I always, and I do mean always, use the handicap stall. Always. I need to room.
Here's the TMI part... I haven't been able to use the small stalls in years. I had to turn sideways and suck in my gut to close the door. And then I didn't have enough room to do what I had to do... Like I said, TMI.
Well, yesterday we went to see a movie and I had to use the restroom. I walked in and the Handicap stall was occupied, but I HAD to pee! So I went to the small stall on the end and just walked in and closed the door. No sucking in, no turning sideways. No problems. Then I did my business and got out.
I know its an odd moment to celebrate, but I will take any cause for celebration I can get lately.
I slipped. I stopped journaling my food. I hadn't logged into Livestrong.com in almost a month. I just started slacking and then it got away from me completely. Then not journaling led to forgetting to eat breakfast before work and then last week I got to the gym for my workout and realized that I had not eaten breakfast OR lunch. Reality check time. I have got to get back on schedule. Journaling reminds me to eat. Journaling reminds me to pay attention. I gotta get back in control.
I decided to try something new. I bought some Boost with protein for those mornings when I am just running behind. Some days I just cant get it together. Maybe that will keep me on track.

The workouts are still going well. Still love the gym. But I am craving something more. I watch a lot of the Biggest Loser and I am jealous. My favorite moments on the show are when someone hits a wall during a workout and they think they cannot go any further and Jillian gets in their face and pushes them beyond what they think they are capable of. I want that kind of intensity. I want someone to push me further than I think I can go. I want someone to yell at me. I want someone to get me out of my comfort zone. I love my bootcamp class, don't get me wrong. It kicks my butt and it works me out and it gets the job done, but it doesn't shake me. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. It doesn't push me past my limit. I don't know if I am craving adrenaline or just testing my limits...but I want to shake up my routine.
Has anyone tried kettlebells?

I've been doing some research and I found a place in ATL that has a class...but it's pricey. I am fascinated by the things I have read and heard about kettlebell training. I have heard that it is great for shaking up your body and burning some serious fat. hmm...
I'm also toying with the idea of taking another bikram yoga (hot yoga) class but at a different studio this time. I need more sweating and burning and less chanting and talking. The class I took was a lot of "find your center and look through your third eye". I am not trying to find my third eye, I am trying to find myself under all this fat!!!! lol

I'm not very new age, I'm afraid. All the granola eating, hairy armpitted, all organic, patchouli wearing, vegan yoga instructors at the studio I went to just made me feel COMPLETELY out of place and square. I dont think I am cool enough for yoga... I dont know.
I guess at this point I'm open to suggestions if anyone has any for shaking up my routine. I do a pretty intense 45 minute bootcamp class on tuesdays and thursdays after my one hour workout on my own and then I do a two hour workout on mondays, wednesdays and sometimes fridays. Its a lot, but I have been at it for 5 months now.

A major step in a girls life... My very first little black dress...

I did it. I bought a little black dress!!

I was looking through my closet two weeks ago and had a moment of clarity and grabbed a garbage bag. It was time to start letting go. I am never going to wear a size 32 again. Ever. So I threw my fat clothes away. I threw away the big comfy sweatpants that I bought a few sizes too big so I could hide even more. I threw away the shirt that I thought was so cute at the time that now just hung on me. I threw away the jeans that literaly fell off of me when I put them on. It felt so good to let those things go.
And then I looked at what I was left with.
It was time for some SERIOUS retail therapy.
poor me, right!
I was nervous at first but then I got to thinking. I have always loved stores like Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Ross but I never looked at clothes because they rarely had anything worth looking at in the big big big plus sizes. But now I am just the medium big plus size. hmmm... So I went to Ross while they were having a big sale on all their dresses and I got a little gutsy. I started looking at dresses. Let me preface this with the fact that I have NEVER worn a dress without jeans under it, thus wearing it as a top. In fact I think I have probably owned less than ten dresses in my entire life. I was just never comfortable in them. But I saw them differently this time. I saw options. I saw possibilities. I saw an opportunity to start being the kind of woman I always admired. Someone with style. Someone dressed for something other than comfort!!
Then I found it. My little black dress.

I cannot believe it... I obviously have a bit more work to be done on my midsection, but I don't look half bad. In a dress! A little Black dress!
In another note, I found another before picture... Flipping through a friends facebook I found a few candid pictures of me from last summer...yikes...

Nothing keeps you motivated like seeing a picture and going who is that round girl...oh yeah, thats me...

I have a neck!!!! Holy shit!!!

So this post is going to be short and sweet... I just had to share something....

This was me in October....

Look!!!! Its a neck!!! And only one chin!!!

It's so funny the things I get excited about now....

Also... I have ALWAYS bought my bras from Lane Bryant. I needed extra support and wide bands a wish and a prayer to hold my girls up!! lol I was a  46DD when I started all of this... Well, I threw away all of my bras this week along with two other big trash bags full of clothes. None of my real bras fit. The only thing I wear now are sports bras but I wanted to at least have one real bra that makes me feel like a girl! So I went to Lane Bryant to get fitted because thats what I always have done. Wel GUESS WHAT?!? I am a 38D. HOLY SHIT!!!! So I did not buy a LB bra, I went home and went onto the Victorias secret clearance section and bought a bra wardrobe! I am so excited. Victoria has always been a well kept secret from me...I can now buy bras ANYWHERE! Clearly I am excited today!

FINALLY a breakthrough!

Well, this past month was quite frankly, ridiculous. My knees were throwing this tantrum and I was completely in my head about it. The pounds were creeeeeeping off slowly because to be honest I was cheating a good bit. But I was still working out on my own and pushing through it.

Since my last entry I FINALLY pushed through this wall I kept hitting. I didn't climb over it or dig a hole under it, I BLASTED through it. I worked out REALLY hard and have been really on plan and I have been peddling away every time I am home watching tv on my little bike thingy.
I
feel
amazing

 AND I AM OUT OF THE 300's!!!!

huzzah!!

291

I have lost 135llbs. A HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE POUNDS. I've lost a healthy woman! Not even a skinny bitch. lol
wow
wow
wow
 I went back to bootcamp class today for the first time since my little meltdown. We were outside in the gorgeous 85 degree atlanta sunshine and it just felt GREAT! I had sweat dripping in places I dont even want to think about! lol Lunges and squats were fine. I was nervous at first, but my knees were just fine. Man that felt good.
I even got a little sunburn!
I want to take this feeling and put it into a little bottle so I can revisit this whenever I want to crumble and eat something stupid. I really feel unstoppable. I have actively been avoiding the scale for two weeks. When I weighed in today I had NO IDEA what it would say. I was prepared to have gained weight during my hiatus from class, but my workouts on my own have really picked up intensity. I am getting a focus that I have never had before. I feel like every single rep of every single exercise is one step closer to this other me that I can see in my head. She is one helluva chick, this girl in my head. She is strong, sexy, capable, confident, powerful...a force of nature. I can't wait to be her!!

I'm gettin muscles and stuff!!

I also decided it was time for another change so I went blonde. Its a big change, but I like it. Im naturally a blonde but started dying it black a few years ago. I feel like a part of me hid behind the dark hair and the makeup. Now I feel like I look younger. I look like I did in high school... kind of strange!! But also kind of nice. On an odd but related note, in 17 pounds I will weigh less than I did when I was a freshman in high school. Hows that for a mind boggle. I was 275 as a freshman. Horrifying. I have not been this small in my entire adult life and I feel like from here on out EVERYTHING will be brand new. I am a new person.  Old Kayla is gone FOREVER that much I know for sure.

Can I have new knees please!??!??! or ranting and raving...

Well It has been a long absence I know... and I am sorry. But I, frankly, have been a hot mess.
My knees have been bothering me. A lot. I bought some Glucosamine and have been taking that. Its finally starting to help now, but last week was miserable. Last tuesday I went to bootcamp class and only made it through half before I was so frustrated that I was red faced and tearing up. I was so angry that I couldn't do it. So I went back into the gym and just worked on some upper body and cardio and then went home- defeated. No, let me rephrase that, completely defeated. I felt like a failure. I was terrified that all these years of carrying that much weight had finally gotten to me. I beat myself up something terrible. Then I got an email from Kevin, my bootcamp instructor telling me that I should stay out of class for a week and stay away from squats and lunges and focus on upper body to guive my knees a rest. Then I was really upset.
So I went out Saturday. I had drinks. And more drinks. And more drinks. I made an ass out of myself because I have not had a drink in so long my tolerance was nothing. I was a mess. So then all day Sunday I felt rotten. I had to apologize to my wonderful fiance for the monster than came home. I curled up on the couch and watched season two of Ugly betty reeking of vodka and regret and I ate. I just wanted to eat it all away. I was ridiculously off plan, and I was hungover to boot. Just bad news in general.
But I got up yesterday and got back on plan, dragged my sorry butt back to the gym and I worked. Hard.
There is a silver lining in this whole mess of a week- I have a new gym buddy!! My friends husband came back from bootcamp with the Army Reserves in January and wanted to join a gym to stay in shape so we are working out together and thus far it has been great. He kicked my ass yesterday!! I never thought I would ever look at that like it is a good thing. When I left the gym yesterday my arms were JELLO.
On another note, I had kind of a break down last week... I'm just having a hard time dealing with feelings. I have always been the kind of person who likes to put on a happy face and a song and dance and pretend like everything is fine when behind the mask its a big ole mess. I just dont like to talk about it or show it. My last words will probably be "oh I'm fine!". But the way that I could hold those feelings at bay was by stuffing them down. I just ate them away. I would eat and eat and when I felt really full it was reassuring. I felt like everything was ok. It was controlled. Contained. Buried. Now I am having a hard time when I feel overwhelmed. It helps to work out. I get out some of that frustration. But the other stuff...I just need to start talking. Stop beign so worried that someone will think that I am not completely in control and just talk.
Easier said than done.

A new goal...

I am setting a new goal! But first, Let's start with a bit of backstory shall we?
I have always been fat. Not chubby, not plump, not pudgy. Fat. My entire life. I do not remember EVER being the same size as my peers. Ever. For many fat kids, girls especially, this can lead to a living hell in high school, but I was blessed to go to a high school that had much to offer in the way of extracurriculars and I found my niche with choir and theater. I was also blessed to have met someone at the very begining of my freshman year in high school who would go one to change my self and my life forever. Jordon Hudson. My best friend. We joke that we are non-sexual life partners. When I met him we were kindred spirits in both interests - choir, theater, broadway, specifically the musical RENT as well as in food and body type. He was a fellow fatty. Then he took control of his fatness and in our junior year he was put on prescription meridia and lost the weight. Since then he has kept the weight off and no one can even imigine him being overweight.... while I have gotten bigger and bigger. I have always envied his self control.
He has continued and has been very successful in theater. He is fearless and ridiculously talented. I am sometimes in complete awe of him. I am so proud of him. I on the other hand have not been able to muster the courage to even walk into an audition since high school. I am terrified of rejection, judgement, failure... I really hope I can change that someday...
Moving 3 years ago from Grand Rapids Michigan, a smaller, friendly, yet forward thinking midwestern city to Metro Atlanta with it's sprawling, bustling, congested, sometimes pretentious 5million people, I often find myself feeling a bit lost. But visiting home, and my chosen family of friends always brings me back to myself.
Well, Jordon called me this weekend with some fantastic news. He is cast in a local production of RENT, a show that is near and dear to our hearts and has been such a big part of our lives. The show runs May 6-22. I am booking my plane tickets as soon as I get paid. I have to be there.
SO I am setting a new goal. I WILL be under 250 pounds (hopefully well under.) when I go home.
I know it sounds odd but I really want to make Jordon proud. I want the work I have been doing to be obvious. I want it to be shocking. I have two months to make it happen. I cannot wait to share the new me with my Grand Rapids family. They have never seen me healthy and I can't wait to show them.
I was feeling a bit deflated last week... just not motivated. Kinda blah. But now I have a renewed purpose! I have wind in my sails and I am excited to hit the ground running tonight at the gym. It's time to get to work!! I went to the Farmers market yesterday and spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on groceries! geez... It is so much more expensive eating healthy, fresh and not pre-packaged. I just keep finding reasons why it is no suprise that I was fat! It is so much easier to eat unhealthy.
I had a moment of clarity while at the gym on Friday. I will most likely be a member of a gym for the rest of my life. I will be working out for the rest of my life. It was a thought that just popped into my head. Some people stay at a healthy weight without working out, without really paying much attention to what they eat. But that will not be me. I will always have to think. I will always have to work. I know for a fact that I could very easily slide right back into old habits. I know I could, But I also know that I will never allow myself. Never again. Those pounds are gone forever!

My inspiration...

I read a blog post about thinspiration... The blogger posted pictures of the body types she was inspired by.  I was appalled. She posted pictures of women so thin that you could see bones sticking out. I am NOT inspired or motivated by images like this

In face I am a bit repulsed. That is not a strong, capable, healthy body. That is a cry for help. Bones jutting out. No boobs.
So I set out to find images of bodies that inspire and motivate me.
Strong bodies. Healthy bodies.

 

Real Women. With curves.

These are images of bodies that I can strive for. I don't find bones sexy or attractive. I want to see muscle tone, strength and curves. I think we as women face so much pressure when it comes to our bodies. Men are celebrated for being strong and fit but the images we as women are presented with are images of women far below a healthy BMI. Our culture glorifies women who have been nipped, tucked, injected, implanted and then airbrushed. What is this teaching us? What is this teaching our younger generations??

Responding to Questions from Formspring.me

You're doing fantastic! How are you dieting? & how did you manage to lose 100lbs so fast? also how long or how often do you work out?

First of all, THANK YOU!!! I can never ever ever hear that enough!
I started out using alli, which you take with all three meals and it simply blocks 25% of the fat you eat. I did this mainly as a learning tool. It taught me that there are consequences to what I put in my mouth. And it worked. I slowly weaned myself off of it and now I only use it every few days if I know I'm being a bit indulgent. (as in lean red meat or pork not as in fried food or something really terrible!)
I stick to 1600-1800 calories on days when I work out and I stay within 1400-1500 calories on days when I dont go to the gym.
My gym routine is admittedly a bit intense. On tuesdays and thursdays I get to gym after work at about 5:30 and do cardio and light strength training until 7 when I have my bootcamp class until 7:45/8:00. Then I try to make it to the gym at least two sometimes three other days and I do 2 - 2.5 hours of cardio/weight training. On top of that I watch most of my tv on the computer and I have my little Golds gym Peddler so I try to peddle any time I am watching tv. On my off from the gym days I try to push myself and do at least 90 minutes of peddling w/out stopping along with some sort of activity that gets me moving. (I recently bought a bike and am excited to start using it!)
I forget how much I am doing now until I write it all down. It's all just part of the routine now. I just try to keep myself moving.
I think the first 100 came off so fast bc I went from literally going from the couch to work to the couch to being VERY active. Before I started this I kid you not, I probably did not walk half a mile in a whole day and I ate a whole lot of crappy food. It was sad. I was sad.

Ask me anything